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Windows XP


When I think of Microsoft Windows I think of a barren alien landscape with harsh cosmic winds and an icy surface as hard and cold as coal. I think of suffering, panic and mayhem. I think of Bill Gates eating a suckling piglet marinated in sweet apple cider, taking a bite out of a giant turkey leg and spitting the half chewed meat at one of the many trophy human heads displayed on the end of a spear in his decadent palace. I can't help it that's just the first thing that comes to my mind!

Also why does Bill Gates want to charge so much for Windows XP... doesn't he have enough money? Bill Gates is very similar to Adolph Hitler. The Blue Screen of Death! Blah! Blah! Etc!

Now that all of that obligatory ranting and raving about the evil corporation and the instability of Windows is out of the way I can get on with the straight poop.

Windows XP is not a great operating system. It is leaps and bounds more advanced and less buggy than Windows 98 (my previous operating system) and for that I am grateful. Unfortunately a lot of Linux nerds try to convince me that "you can lead a completely Windows free existence. Microsoft only wants you to believe that it's impossible." This is a lie. I would love to use Linux exclusively. Nothing would bring me more joy. If the day ever comes that I can play Warcraft II on Linux then maybe this will be possible.

But this is years away so I must live in the now: the present world that is dominated by Microsoft based software. As a web designer and maintainer I also can't ignore the fact that 90% of the people looking at what I'm writing right now are doing it through Microsoft Windows and most likely Internet Explorer. Windows machines are a necessary evil and I must embrace that, even if I have to cringe and hold my breath while doing so.

So when Windows XP was released I was convinced that I should get rid of Windows 98 and move into the new millennium. After using it for about a week I have made my decision. It is an improvement. It doesn't crash (as much) and it seems to run at a comparable if not slightly quicker speed on my same machine. However the actual changes that effect the user (besides the stability) aren't all that dramatic. There are a lot of nice little convenient changes that make a lot more sense but I'm not going to spend any time talking about them. It's much more fun to bitch about the things I hate. Enjoy.

User Icons
Windows XP IconsWhen you first sign on to Windows XP it assigns you a cute little icon. When I signed on for the first time (on Paul's computer) it made me into a little froggy. Paul was a bass guitar. Now Paul plays the bass guitar and that was a little disturbing that they would be able to figure this out. I'm sure that the Windows XP Telepathy Wizard must have been enabled upon installation. What made me even angrier is the fact that they made me into a picture of a Frog just because I'm of French ancestry. Not cool, Microsoft! Not cool!

The Wide Selection
When first installing the operating system there is a time period of about one hour where you have to start going through all the settings to make it not suck. The display properties gave me the option of changing the color of my windows. I could have...

Windows XP Blue Window


Windows XP Olive Green Window


Windows XP Olive Green Window

or olive green!

That was it. In Windows 98 I remember being given the choice of not only blue but about 30 other color schemes ranging from brick red to eggplant. I personally don't care because blue is just fine with me, but come on... three options? And if they're going to go with olive green as one of the options they might as well have orange and brown be the other two as well as a corduroy texture skin.

The Search Doggie

Search DoggieSearch DoggieSearch DoggieSearch Doggie

I hate the search doggie. If there's anything that could piss me off more than an actual doggie it's a search doggie. This makes you long for the old Microsoft paper clip from Word 97 as if it were a long lost friend. The doggie begins sniffing around for files, finds bones and casually reads through a book while he looks for files. I spent all my time wishing that a car would speed by and run him over.

Windows Plus!Plus! sucks. It costs like $50.00 and it makes Windows even more horrible. The most notable thing it does it give you a few extra screen savers. There's one that makes your computer screen look like a real life aquarium! Is it cool at first? With much shame I have to admit that it really is. However no matter how cool a screen saver is there is nothing of that ilk that will not thoroughly annoy you after a matter of a week. I still prefer the old standy 3D text that says something like "Whippersnapper" or Laura's Log-in which says something nasty about Rory.

Next time I start examining Windows XP's games!

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