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Windows XP


I could spend four articles on the Windows XP games alone. That's almost two articles per game! Windows XP puts up a rather poor showing as far as gaming is concerned. Had you asked me a year ago if gaming in an operating system was important I would have answered with a quick "No! Get those silly games out of Windows... who needs 'em!" This is because I was brought up under the assumption that "games" meant Solitaire, Minesweeper, Free Cell and Hearts. When Paul and I finally installed Linux we found something out. Games can be fun! Linux Redhat 7.1 comes with 36 games already installed. What's more is that 90% of them are fun. One of them is FreeCiv. If a game like FreeCiv came out for Windows it would probably cost in the neighborhood of $50.00. But it's free! Not only is there FreeCiv but also versions of Tetris, Minesweeper, Mahjongg, classic board games, Yahtzee, etc. Linux also has Solitaire. Unlike Windows 98, ME, 2000 and XP, Linux Solitaire has a scroll down menu to choose 33 freaking different versions! Windows feels that the classic Klondike Solitare is the only one worth playing. Sure Linux games have their problems. Well actually only one problem: They can't name anything by its actual name. They feel that the name "Solitaire" is a bit played out and have elected to call it "Aisle Riot." Normally the name changes aren't that extreme and only involve inserting the word "Gnome" somewhere (i.e. Gnome Mines). Sometimes they just put a G before a word (i.e. Glines, Gnibbles, Glines). But once you figure out how to decipher their retarded computer geek language it's smooth sailing! To put it into Perspective here are a list of the games included in some different operating systems.

Dos 6.22
Windows 98
Windows XP
Windows XP
Mac OS X
Red Hat 7.1
Red Hat Linux 7.1

Free Cell

Free Cell
Internet Backgammon
Internet Checkers
Internet Hearts
Internet Reversi
Internet Spades
Spider Solitaire
Jigsaw Puzzle
Aisle Riot (solitaire) (33)
Atomic Entertainment
Foul Eggs
Lieutenant Skat
Potato Guy
Snake Race
Same Gnome
Xpuzzles (11)

So if you're an idiot like me who thinks that the more games an operating system comes with the better it is, then this list speaks for itself!


First of all there is the all time classic I've-got-nothing-better-to-do timewaster, Solitaire! By playing Solitaire you are basically admitting that you can't think of a DAMNED thing to do. This is why it's big in offices and in lobotamy wards.

I guess there was sort of an obligation to include this in Windows XP. The only thing they really did was change the look of the card decks making them look slightly worse.

Windows 98Robot


They got rid of the classic 50's style Robot! That is definitely a minus for Windows XP. I always imagined this robot sounding like the voice synthesis module for Intellivision that used to say: "Matel Electronic Presents: Space Spartans!" But instead he would be offering crappy advice in the same voice such as: "My Nanoprocessors say that you should put the red ace on the blue three!"

Windows XPA Fish


Thanks. This is just what I need to cure me of having something cool on my cards. Do you know how desperately I looked around for an actual deck of cards that had a robot on it? Not easy to find, my friend. My dad worked at an Industrian Machine Shop and once, when I was little, he gave me a deck of cards that had all these yellow machine parts on it. It said something like "Mendelsson Super Conductor" on the cards. Those were COOL!

Windows 98Castle


This castle is terrible! In 1989 Paul and I drew a picture of a Castle in Splash! that looks about this good. This castle looks like it would have blown my mind in 1984 if I was playing some game by Roberta Williams but in 1998 it took a little more to impress me.

Windows XPAstronaut


Astronauts are cool, right? Sure they are. Remember when you were young and you liked dinosaurs, fruit roll-ups and cabbage patch kids? You like astronauts then didn't you? Don't get me wrong, astronauts are cool but the classic motionless astronaut hovering in space has lost its impact a bit since the space program went completely down the tubes. Maybe in China--where they just announced to land a man on the moon by 2005!--this is a little cooler but here in the States it looses a little of its impact. Maybe if it was an astronaut fighting Lara Croft people would take more notice.

Splash! Card

Proposed New Card

This is a card I made out of the graphic that Paul and I made in a file dated July 19, 1989. As you can see it's along the same lines as the Windows 98 Castle and I think we should petition Microsoft to include this card in the next version of Windows.

Windows 98The Worst Hand

The Worst Hand

This may be the worst graphic I've ever seen. Cut scenes in the original Oregon Trail look like they were crafted by Dream Works after seeing this hand. Look at it! There are no visible fingers! That's a trick I use because I can't draw! The hand's only holding three cards! Is it even a hand? It could just be a foot or a neck with cards growing out of it. Who's to tell?

Windows XPRacecar

Race Car

XP elected to go with 3 20's style racecars in a row instead. The graphics are marginally better. I imagine them waiting on the starting line and one of them having a curly villain-style moustache. He would be cackling while the other dark haired gentlemen revved their engines.

Windows 98The Worst Card

Lame Card

Windows 98's worst card would have to be this really crappy card. There are three other really crappy patterned backgrounds but this is the one that strikes me as the most boredom. Why would you select this card back? Why not just deliver a worlwide broadcast admitting that you are the most boring person in the world?

Windows XPThe Worst Card

Lame Card

This card is better than the 98's worst but not by much. What the hell is it supposed to be? Here is a short one act play of how I think it may have been developed.

Bill Gates: I like blue.
Stephen Jobs: I like squares.
Amadeus: (out of breath after a quick jog from his home made time machine) I Like Solitaire!
Bill Gates: He so craaazy!
Stephen Jobs: I wanna have his baaaby!

Windows 98Worth mentioning

Fishie 1Fishie 2

What is it with Windows' unholy fascination with fish! We only get 12 choices of card backs! Do two have to be almost identical cards with fish on them? Why not branch out a little boys? It may be a moot point now that Windows 98 is defunct, but couldn't they have thought of anything else? A Windows logo would have sufficed... I'm sure they had one lying around SOMEWHERE!

Windows XPWorth mentioning

Baby Poop

This looks like what a baby's diaper would look like if it pooped crayons.

Next time I start examining Windows XP's Internet games!

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