Games (pt. 2)

The Internet Games

Internet versions of Backgammon, Checkers, Hearts, Reversi and Spades appear on Windows XP. Scanning the list of games I quickly realized that I am a simple man and Checkers is the only game on the list that I knew how to play. I quickly "logged on" and awaited the fun that was about to arrive. Here's what happened.

I waited for a moment and they assigned me an opponent. A Hungarian opponent. I was looking forward to playing someone from another land and kicking their ass!

My first disappointment from the game was that the chat was regulated so that you couldn't type in exactly what you wanted to say to your opponent. You had to select a list of comments from a menu like "King Me!" and "I didn't see that before you did it... now I do and I feel stupid!" He ended up saying one thing to me the whole game... "Oops!" I ended up saying nothing to him the whole game. I assume that this makes for easy translation since he probably selected the Hungarian version of "Oops!" The other reason, I'm sure, is so that no one types in the word "Fuck" or anything of the sort. This is so that Microsoft can keep up its wholesome American image like Walmart Does. wholesome Americans don't say "Shit" or "Pussy" they just use loopholes in the system to drive their competition out of business.

The game of Checkers started innocently enough. You can see here that I lulled him into a false sense of security.

I quickly got the advantage and it looked like it was curtains for our Hungarian friend.

I knew I had him when a message appeared on the screen.

Ha! Did this guy think I was a fool? I wasn't about to draw to save him the humility of defeat! I was in it to win it and I wasn't prepared to stop until I tasted the the sweet nectar of victory! Then this message popped up.

Now I see how the game is played! It's quite obvious that this whole online gaming thing was a bad idea. What happens is that you end up playing against someone you can't see. If you can't see someone you can't call them a "pussy" if they want to quit when they're getting beaten. And if you can't do that then what's to stop them from just pulling the plug out of their modem jack when things aren't going their way? Certainly not Windows XP.

Internet Chess

Internet Chess doesn't exist. It should. I hate Chess and I would never ever play it but a lot of people would. I can't even beat a first-grader at Chess. My main thought while playing Chess is: "STOP PLAYING CHESS!" I usually just sacrifice as many men as quickly as possible to get it over with. I am to understand that a lot of people enjoy playing it and those that do are really serious about it. Surely the technology exists and it would have been really simple to make a chess game.

Internet Solitaire

They should have internet Solitaire where one person plays and the other one types in their advice like "Put the red two on the black five! Move the black Queen over the bishop!" That would be cool.

Next time I start examine the three games that come with the Windows XP Plus! expansion package. It's like $50.00 of misery for just $49.95!