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    3000 Miles to Graceland
    or
    Up an Ocean Without a Paddle

    Recently, I viewed a film that put everything into perspective for me. And that film was 3000 Miles to Graceland. In my opinion, this film is Kevin Costnerís best and/or worst film ever. Kurt Russell delivers brilliantly adequate entertainment. But what the &$%#!

    Perhaps I should just get right to the point of my dispute: At no point in the freakiní movie was it at all 3000 miles to Graceland!

    Now I myself am a geographical buffoon. But, with my wondrous resources at hand, I conducted a circular check 3,000 miles all around Memphis, TN (ie. Graceland), and the results were startling. 3000 miles north of Graceland lies the Arctic Ocean. 3000 miles south of Graceland lies the South Pacific Ocean. 3000 miles east of Graceland lies the North Atlantic Ocean. 3000 miles west of Graceland lies the North Pacific Ocean.

    6000 x pi miles around graceland

    Could it be that these screenwriters/producers/directors... thoughtfully devised the working title X# of Miles to Graceland through some massively productive brainstorming session and were merely too exhausted to consult a real map in their haste, yet delicate meticulousness, to create a brilliant work of art?

    Now, this lays the groundwork for a startling conspiracy theory of mine. That this movie that simply masquerades as the film 3000 Miles to Graceland, is in fact far, far more. It is in fact Waterworld, repackaged with a snazzy new title! Seeing as so few of us in the movie viewing public have actually seen Waterworld is then quite unlikely that we are in any position to dispute this claim and believe anything other than what we are fed: that this is in fact a new movie.

    And for those of you who have indeed seen Waterworld (Ed, Bob, and Paul), watch out. If the movie industry has taught me anything about conspiracies, itís that youíre each going to die one by one before detective McIznee gets too close to the truth.

    Now perhaps this movie could more accurately and sensibly have been called 2000 miles to 3000 miles to Graceland. Why, for the love of God, wasnít it?

    Would they have us believe Graceland is 3000 miles away from anything?* I have one word for them... and us: morons...



    * Apologies to Alaska and Brazil.

    *

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