• Advice for TV Episode Summary Copy Writers
  • Top Seven Annoying Retail Songs of 2004
    more..
  • The Romancing of Inbal - Part The Sixth
  • The Girl Who Does the News, Part 2
    more..
  • The Search for Something (Chapter 6)
  • Why it Would Kick Arse to be Freddy Krueger
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • The Misbegotten Oregon Trail Journal Site
  • The Anonymous Blonde
    more..
  • Flash

  • A Charlie Brown Christmas DVD
  • Caolan's Birthday Movie
    more..
  • Fun

  • O Canada - a sequel of sorts
  • Posto!
    more..
  • Extinct Beverages

  • Extinct Beverage: Tizer
  • Extinct Beverage: Metromint
  • Jacques Talk
    L&EJacquesEmail

    3000 Miles to Graceland
    or
    Up an Ocean Without a Paddle

    Recently, I viewed a film that put everything into perspective for me. And that film was 3000 Miles to Graceland. In my opinion, this film is Kevin Costner’s best and/or worst film ever. Kurt Russell delivers brilliantly adequate entertainment. But what the &$%#!

    Perhaps I should just get right to the point of my dispute: At no point in the freakin’ movie was it at all 3000 miles to Graceland!

    Now I myself am a geographical buffoon. But, with my wondrous resources at hand, I conducted a circular check 3,000 miles all around Memphis, TN (ie. Graceland), and the results were startling. 3000 miles north of Graceland lies the Arctic Ocean. 3000 miles south of Graceland lies the South Pacific Ocean. 3000 miles east of Graceland lies the North Atlantic Ocean. 3000 miles west of Graceland lies the North Pacific Ocean.

    6000 x pi miles around graceland

    Could it be that these screenwriters/producers/directors... thoughtfully devised the working title X# of Miles to Graceland through some massively productive brainstorming session and were merely too exhausted to consult a real map in their haste, yet delicate meticulousness, to create a brilliant work of art?

    Now, this lays the groundwork for a startling conspiracy theory of mine. That this movie that simply masquerades as the film 3000 Miles to Graceland, is in fact far, far more. It is in fact Waterworld, repackaged with a snazzy new title! Seeing as so few of us in the movie viewing public have actually seen Waterworld is then quite unlikely that we are in any position to dispute this claim and believe anything other than what we are fed: that this is in fact a new movie.

    And for those of you who have indeed seen Waterworld (Ed, Bob, and Paul), watch out. If the movie industry has taught me anything about conspiracies, it’s that you’re each going to die one by one before detective McIznee gets too close to the truth.

    Now perhaps this movie could more accurately and sensibly have been called 2000 miles to 3000 miles to Graceland. Why, for the love of God, wasn’t it?

    Would they have us believe Graceland is 3000 miles away from anything?* I have one word for them... and us: morons...



    * Apologies to Alaska and Brazil.

    *

    L&EJacquesEmail

  • Deathstalker III: The Warriors From Hell
  • Gullible's Travels: Day Eleven
    more..
  • Elf vs. Society
  • Bad Ads 1
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Laura and Nick's Prom Adventure: The Adventure Begins (Nick and Laura)
  • Asking for a Raise (J.M. Hoffman)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Rory's Controversial Political Cartoon
  • Company X # 026
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • The Borscht Period: A Hippo Phenomenology
  • An Assignment for English 111
    more..
  • Fiction

  • The Search for Something, chapter 9
  • A Dialogue between A and B
    more..
  • Gullible's Travels

  • Gullible's Travels: Day Eleven
  • Gullible's Travels: Day Six