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Classic Instant Messenger Profiles of Ages Past

Nowadays I'm lazy with my instant messenger profiles; I just throw the latest amusing Google search failure (Your search - "wesley crusher is great" - did not match any documents.) or a brief snippet of conversation (Me: I have smileys disabled. Friend: :(). But back when I first started messaging, I apparently put some effort into them. Perusing some old files, I found these profiles which I apparently liked enough to save for my later enjoyment.......and now, yours.

Of historical importance is my first profile, when I still imagined I would be instant messaging fans under the persona of Lance Redcloud. Actually, I did get a lot of young girls asking if I was Lance from N Sync, a misapprehension which this profile probably did nothing to defeat:

Hey babe, if you're looking for a cute guy you've come to the right place. I'm a fine catch; my only vice is my weakness for self-appreciation. And for girls. And my laziness. But that's (probably) about it. I'm a sensitive leather-jacket-clad lad of 19 who enjoys whining and dining. And sometimes weedling. And ladies, I'll be frank with you. I love presents. Some of my favorite presents include bubble gum and Seventeen magazines, but (important) this does not make me any less of a man. I once ate a bead.

As everybody's favorite Pokemon-loving goth girl, Rachel:

Well, Brock officially left Pokémon. I knew it was coming, but seeing the other two kids walking off and leaving Brock behind with that nasty lazy-eyed bitch... it was still a rough blow. And, you know, I thought he would settle down with some nice girl. There was still that hope in my mind that he would find some nice young goth girl who loved him dearly, and he would settle down with her. But Professor Ivy wasn't even in love with him! You'd at least think he'd want to stay with a girl who blushed at him, just a little. Professor Ivy admired his Pokémon-raising ability. Come on! And what was with Ivy, anyway? She's not good enough for my Brock! She's too old, for one thing. She's like thirty and he's like 17 (my age!). And she's such a slut! God, did you see how low-cut that shirt was? Hello? She's a professor, for god's sake! Who is she trying to impress, those annoying little identical grad students that insist on hanging around with her? Ugh! I mean, he cooks for her, he cleans for her, he offers his vast knowledge, and, most of all, he hangs around looking like a complete stud, and what does she give him? "Oh, Brock, here's another roof for you to fix. And could you give my Magikarp tank another polishing? And, uh, refill my lemonade." Brock, you could find so much better! Brock! Helllloooo!! Can't you see how I'm suffering?!

Dabbling with fiction, or rather, that kind of fiction your write, as in the "programs" section of your graphing calculator or this story, where you don't pay any attention to what you've just written but instead just keep tapping away at the old keyboard, never referencing the same character twice, and also it devolves into a story about James Bond. I think I was also testing the character limit:

          "Did you see the children today, Henry?"

          Henry lay dully on his back, staring glassily at the cieling. His jaw hung slack and his body was motionless. His slow, pained breathing was the only sign that he was alive at all.

          Denise sighed. It was like this every morning. She watched the children playing across the street, shrieking and giggling in the bright morning sun.

          Suddenly James Bond burst through the door and killed Mothra!

          As the moth's blood slowly seeped into the carpet, James Bond admired the woman that stood by the window. The gleaming sunlight highlighted her supple body. She wore only a black lace brassiere and black briefs of similar material.

          He made love to her, and then they were done. It had been a good day. He rode on a hot air balloon and ate Cracker Jacks. They don't taste like crackers. He doesn't know why he likes them. He just does. Also, he thinks tea is mud.

Variations on a theme:

Ariadne awoke to the sound of scratching at her window. She blinked slowly and looked around the darkened room. As her eyes adjusted to the light, she nervously watched her cowboy-style shirt moving eerily in the breeze from the window. Her body tensed. She sensed danger.

         All of a sudden Ranma burst into the room and killed Mothra!

         As he sipped a vodka martini, Ranma admired Ariadne's body, dressed only in silken undergarments. Beads of sweat slowly dripped over her heaving breast.

         Suddenly Ryoga dumped water over his head and he became a girl! Then they rode in a hot air balloon, then Akane called him a perv and hit him with a paper fan.

No explanation for this one:

salutations. i am a creature of limited mental capability and a sparse moral upbringing, so bear that in mind as you peruse my soul. and please, hold all comments until the end. Flash photography is permitted, as that it frightens and disorients the actors. Winners of the Ultimate Frisbee Challenge must report to the Winners' Quarantine Booth on the morrow. Please turn all cell phones and beepers slowly until golden brown. and now, without further ado....






This very meta one is fairly recent, by which I mean maybe three or four years old. Warning: Strong language.

So, as I'm sure you've noticed, it's all the rage among profile writers nowadays to put little parts of AIM conversations they had with someone. If you know anything about me, it's that I'm a slave to trend. So, not to be outdone, I have reproduced for you the following snippet. Enjoy.


Lance Redcloud: Fuck you.

Lance Redcloud: Fuck you.

More parodying the genre:

my name is death i'd just like to give a shout out to all my peepz war, pestilence & famine luv ya!! i'm 6'5", pale complexion, slender!! my hobbies are horseback riding & reaping & i wear black & so if you want to talk just im me and if you don't we'll dance together sooner or later anyway ;-)!

And my favorite song quotation:

duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
(duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh)

duh duh duh duh duh duh DUH duh duh!
(duh duh duh duh duh duh DUH duh duh!)

duh duh duh duh duh duh
(duh duh duh duh duh duh)

duh duh duh duh duh duh duh!
(duh duh duh duh duh duh duh!)

~dueling banjos <3


- Laura