• Lance and Eskimo and the Style Bullies
  • The Anime Title Random Generator
    more..
  • What To Do With the XFL
  • WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO OUR WORLD?!?
    more..
  • Recipes from around the world
  • Friday the 13th
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • Latex Implement
  • Tegrisome
    more..
  • Flash

  • The Carl Sagan Song
  • Dress Up Paul
    more..
  • Fun

  • The Anime Title Random Generator
  • Ah, Japan
    more..
  • Bruce Campbell

  • Meeting Bruce Campbell
  • Bruce Campbell's Get Well Soon Card
  • Jacques Talk
    L&EJacquesEmail

    Shocking New Developments!

    (Please note that this article is to be read to the tune of the theme from "St. Elmo's Fire")

    As many of you are aware, this past week, LanceandEskimo.com has been holding its election to determine once and for all, and beyond any doubt, who is the Cutest Redcloud Brother. Jacques, Nate (Chef Elf), Paul (Meatz), Laura (girl), and Lance pryingly vied for the title.

    Unfortunately, it appeared that many were indeed afraid to vote for the fourth party candidate simply because they felt it would be a wasted vote. To this, Jacques responded "a vote for me is not a vote for Chef Elf. A vote for Jacques is a vote for Jacques!"

    Also of sudden concern, shocking allegations that Jacques himself was not a puppy as was claimed in his campaign. And that his campaign was in fact linked to big oil, which was necessary to gas up his mom's car, drive home, and write his campaign article.

    Also, criticism of the polling methods and their vast inaccuracies arose when, to the surprise of all, Jacques demanded a recount.

    Ballot

    Retarded ballot in question

    Lawyers for Jacques argued: "As you can see, the ballot itself is flawed in numerous places. Let's say that I was going in to cast my vote for Jacques, and I was an idiot, and couldn't read... then how would I go about doing that? For instance, examine the ballot. There are clearly a few names on it. How am I to know which person I'm actually voting for when I fill in the dot?"

    Although the margin of difference in votes was slim, and somewhere in the double digits, Jacques was still only able to capture a small degree of the popular vote. As there is no electoral college to speak of, debates will assuredly continue upon how to process the results of this voting.

    All parties, though, seem to agree upon the fact that much of the troubles stem from this ass:

    Ass

    This unidentified ass was identified as an ass.

    Paul

    And then, in a bizarre turn of events, even for the Internet (home of assorted garbage), a press release from Jacques suddenly and inexplicably conceded the election and heaved his support behind cuteness candidate and fellow columnist Paul. It was later revealed that this was partially a result of Chef Elf's radical views on leprechauns in the military (vehemently opposed by Jacques in the past), the fact that Lance isn't real, and the fact that Laura still has cooties. And so, it seems, it was to be the lesser of four evils.

    Excerpt from Jacques' concession speech:

    It has been a long road indeed. [pause for two claps] We have stood our ground in the face of insurmountable odds, and we have made clear what we have set out to make clear: that I was a candidate for Cutest Brother Redcloud... and now I am not. And so I must bow out of this election and concede to what must be. Good night... God bless the Internet... and fuck you all.

    *

    L&EJacquesEmail

  • Key Food
  • Pinball Wizardry
    more..
  • A Dialogue between A and B
  • The Azores Mystery
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • My Fool is a Crock (Rory)
  • Overrated: Ancient Egypt (Papa Redcloud)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Company X #024
  • Company X # 023
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • The Girls' Zone Role Models in Science Quiz
  • Sex Degrees of Separation
    more..
  • Fiction

  • Elf vs. God
  • The Day I Killed Bill Gates with an Axe!
    more..
  • Gullible's Travels

  • Gullible's Travels: Day Sixteen
  • Gullible's Travels: Day Twelve