College Crunch

          College is going to be great. I can see it now. Walking down tree-lined paths, hair in a bun, carrying my books, musing on something intelligent as I make my way to class. Sunday mornings in the library, sipping coffee and reading. A montage where the leaves fall of the trees, the snow falls, and then tendrils of tiny spring flowers push their way through; meanwhile, I walk about the campus, raise my hand in class, do my own laundry, etc. The growing and flourishing of the flora mirroring my own growth, as a person and an intellectual. And then I come home, triumphant, to spend my summer arguing with Nick and Rory about the Prime Directive, just like old times.

          I also imagine that college is a bunch of guys in mortarboards and university sweatshirts wandering around talking in 1920s Bostonian aristocrat accents, talking about how "mater and pater are taking the motah-cah up to the vineyahd on Satihday" or how "my stahs, Professor Hah-wood is simply a beast" or how they "pahked the motah-cah in Hahvahd Yahd." That also seems great to me.

          First, though, I have to get in, which means a rigorous application process. As part of said process, I have written a personal essay all about the experience of being a writer for Lance and Eskimo Dot Com. You may think this is a foolish move, as much of the writing you may have seen on this site is, in a word, idiotic. However, I stand by it. Most of it. Well, maybe not the early articles. And nothing by Jacques, Yahtzee, or Paul. Or Nate. Or any of the guests, except maybe Papa Redcloud. Also, none of the stuff in my blog, nothing Rags said, none of the fiction, and, yeah, nothing I've actually written ever, really. On second thought. Now that I think about it.

          Okay. Maybe it wasn't the best of ideas to encourage the admissions officers, along with everyone else I've ever met, to read the site; after all, when I was writing these articles, I never really intended them to be scrutinized by people whose job is to judge me as a person. Still, reading my articles on the site is, I suppose, as good a way as any to get to know me. As long as they don't mind getting to know the unprofessional, narcissistic, self-deprecatory, crude, pretentious, nerdy, moronic, hasty, careless, way-too-much-time-on-her-hands Laura, and not the--uh--other one.

          But, just in case the admissions officers do come to the site, and just in case they do read my articles--Hi guys!--and just in case they do get the wrong idea from my articles, it's important for them to keep in mind all the good things about me. All the really impressive things about me that reinforce that basic idea that I deserve to be at [Insert College of Choice Here]. And some of those things you just can't find on a transcript. So allow me to spend the rest of this space doing some shameless self-advertising.

Top Reasons I Belong At Any College That Cares to Take Me

Reason 1: I'm Diverse
I am or have once been a member of the following minorities:

• queer (that's a technical term)
• atheist
• Jewish (my mother's mother was Jewish, you see, so it works)
• Unitarian
• Girl Scout
• Canadian (half)
• sinister (left-handed, not evil)
• myopic
• introverted
• unable to ride a bicycle
• sinister (evil this time)

Reason 2: I'm Accomplished
I:

• know what "PINE" stands for
• won a "Perfect Attendance" award in sixth grade
• once pushed a stopwatch stop/start button twice with a time elapsed of only 6/100ths of a second
• once won at "FreeCell"
• was described as "the best girlfriend ever" on at least two separate occasions
• have seen every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and most of Boy Meets World
• once had a book published

Reason 3: People Like Me
The following people will vouch for me:

Name/"Handle"	Relationship to Me	Why You Should Trust Them
Paul	Brother	He got 1490 on his SATs, and graduated Brandeis with honors!
Nate	Fake brother	He was once head chef at a five-star restaurant!
Papa Redcloud	Dad	He's really smart, has math degree from MIT, also a doctorate in ministry
Mama Redcloud	Mom	She has a degree in water resources engineering, and has read all of the works of Olive Higgins Prouty.
Rory	Best Friend	He is effervescent, and possibly a tactical genius.
Nick	Friend	He got a 1450 on his SATs, but he had a cold at the time; is soooo cute
Ali	Friend	She's that thing, I forgot the word, but I think it starts with "A"

          So there you have it: great reasons for me to be allowed on the premises of any institution of higher learning. And, to any admissions officers who happen to be reading this: I'm not picky. Just because I haven't applied to your school, doesn't mean you can't let me in. I'll be accepting acceptances through April, so act now!