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  • Jacques Talk

    An open letter to Saturday Night Live’s Head Writer, Tina Fey

    (suggesting “improvements” for the show)
    [Jacques’s note: This following letter to Tina Fey was actually written this past spring. It was constantly bumped in order to make way for less amusing things. And then, it was supposed to be posted September 13, but was again bumped due to hilarious circumstances. Nevertheless, the letter itself was mailed to Tina Fey over a month and a half ago in the hopes that she would find some value in it. Recently (this week in fact) an episode aired involving a play written by a monkey. My friends were quick to point out this fact and also the fact that I’d been discussing such a possibility for Saturday Night Live all along. It seems apparent that the amazing Tina Fey actually took some inspiration from my letter. The fact that Tina Fey might have recognized my existence in some fashion kind of makes all of this idiocy worthwhile.]

    After an interview I conducted with Ms. Tina Fey a while back, I began to watch this Saturday Night Live show of which she spoke. And, after a few viewings, something came to me. Who could possibly write, produce, and perform a better episode of Saturday Night Live than the current staff of the show? A roomful of monkeys could, that’s who! Not to put down the writers, producers, and performers of this fine, fine show, but it is simply a proven philosophical and scientific fact that (with the exception of the illustrious Ms. Fey herself) only a roomful of monkeys typing at typewriters could possibly create the ultimate episode of Saturday Night Live. And I thought it’s about damn time they’re given the opportunity to do this.

    But then, something occurred to me. Who could create an even better episode...

    Dear Ms. Fey,

    I’m an enormous fan of your work, and I wish you the best of luck in your career. I am a huge fan of moving pictures and pretty colors, and your show just startles and delights me to no end.

    I myself am a writer and a member of an entity known as Lanceandeskimo.com. But, aside from flattery, the reason I’m writing to you is rather obvious, I suppose. I’ve prepared, for your consideration, a proposal regarding Saturday Night Live, suggesting the possibility of an episode to be performed entirely by koala bears.

    Now, I know what you’re thinking to yourself: Brilliant! But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves.

    I also realize the hesitation that would most obviously be involved in such a venture. I feel it’s safe to say that something along these lines is shooting its way through your mind right about now: “But koalas are just bad actors... and how can we get them to do what we want?” How can we deal with such seeming drawbacks? Well, Ms. Fey, you’d be surprised what koalas who’ve devoured poisoned grapes would do for the antidote.

    As far as “comedy” goes, spouting off a stream of vulgar jokes is one thing, but we can actually have the koalas do those things that thus far only get joked about! Koalas have no shame of which to speak! Just contemplate how funny a particular thing is when simply said or implied. Then, multiply that by 100 as it becomes actualized.

    Those hilariously fuzzy little koalas are not only cuter than lemurs, but (pound for pound) funnier than kinkajous. And right now, koalas exist as an untapped comedy resource just waiting to be capitalized upon, abused, and exhausted. Their humor tends to be more straightforward and outright as koalas maintain a certain degree of class and refinement in their actions, lending itself more freely to deprecation and other such humorous functions. Overall, they also prefer to display more of a dry wit than an overwhelming comedy force. I prefer to label this as “thoughtful comedy”.

    I realize there are some things that (for tradition’s sake) you wouldn’t really want to drop from the show, such as that thing where you sit behind a news desk. I also see there are two people doing that news thing now (you and some guy), and I don’t want to mess with the format of the show too much either; so I plan on keeping that dichotomy. As such, I’ve set aside about 10 minutes for two koalas to sit behind a news desk, shrieking at the top of their lungs, and flinging poop wrapped in eucalyptus leaves at the camera. Also, I understand how the news segment is something that has to maintain a certain amount of credibility in order to work effectively. That’s why the koalas won’t be throwing their own poop. The poop they will probably be throwing during the actual performance will most likely (for full comic effect) be that of humans, or potentially other koalas. This also eases the nerve-wracking “poop on demand” dilemma that has plagued other koala-laden shows from time to time.

    As this humorous fact might go unnoticed by the audience, a koala will be brought out to “sign” it to them through a series of rehearsed and expressive hand gestures.

    Also, I realize that many of the skits for the show appear to be prepared upon short notice due to the relative brevity between newsworthy events and Saturday night. Nevertheless, I’ve prepared a series of all-purpose backup vignettes for the poisoned koalas to partake in as filler. For instance, an all-koala parody of Sartre’s No Exit.

    And, in order to keep up the momentum without just dropping off, we can simply execute a koala for the show’s finale, to keep people watching right until the end. The way I have it visualized right now, the koala will have the option of being executed by manner of: beheading, hanging, electric chair, stoning, firing squad (for this we would have to cut live to Utah though), gas chamber (Arizona), or lethal injection. (Though, for maximum comic effect, I would suggest firing squad.)

    Or if we can’t execute a koala on live television (for legal reasons or otherwise), we can just tell the audience that we’ll be doing so on their behalf off camera. Or (better yet) for a viewer donation of $100, a koala will be abducted, brought to Mexico, and shot on their behalf. Or for a donation of $500 dollars, a tree will be planted in Israel on their behalf and two koalas will be blindfolded, driven to Mexico and shot in the head. But first, the koalas will be offered a cigarette; if the koalas refuse the cigarette, they will then be offered a banana daiquiri; if they refuse the banana daiquiri, they will be offered a Plymouth Neon, after which time a bullet will promptly be put in the back of their heads. If pressed, the koalas will be given the option of driving around town for no more than fifteen minutes to the soundtrack from St. Elmo’s Fire (without exiting the Plymouth Neon or rolling down the windows at any moment for any reason). If the koalas decline the Plymouth Neon, they will be offered one night with either Demi Moore or Woody Harrelson’s wife (depending upon their respective market value at the time and whichever one resides in closer proximity; a problem that would be resolved should Woody Harrelson be married to Demi Moore at the time of their execution). (It should be noted that no koala has ever refused anything beyond this point.)

    And the best part about all of this is that it will be entirely written, performed, and produced by koalas! No people will be involved at all! This, in itself, is the most exciting notion of the whole proposal, derived from an important fact I have come to realize: people are morons. It’s far safer not to deal with them at all.

    If you’re at all interested in this proposal (and I think you are), please contact me ASAP (as soon as possible) or I shall be forced to turn this idea over to your Afghan sketch troupe counterpart Il Dehq Yedayek Allah (Laughing Bothers God).

    I see it as a possible season opener, closer, a Christmas special, for Passover, etc... Anything works really. Not only are poisoned koalas very versatile comic performers, they are also very agreeable.

    Yours Truly,

    Bureau of Koala Affairs
    Parents’s Garage

    Sign up now and you can get 20 episodes of pure, unadulterated koaliliciousness!!!

    Yes! I am interested in your koala proposal; sign me up!

    No! I am interested in your koala proposal; where do I sign!

    I am interested in your koala proposal and I would like to receive my free Sneakerphone!

    Please do not send me a Sneakerphone! I am allergic. But the koala idea is a go!



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