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  • Jacques Talk

    First off, on behalf of Lance and Eskimo Dot Com, Iíd like to apologize for the fact that our site has been down since Sunday October 7. That was my fault. I now realize that it was not the right time to get web hosting with a company in Kabul, Afghanistan, but it was just so damn cheap. Who could have guessed that, of all places on the face of this planet, Kabul would completely lose power? The odds are simply ridiculous.

    Iíd searched for cheaper web hosting in the region, but the only other affordable rates were in places like Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Jalalabad... Does anyone buy into this? Iíve seen more believable places on the maps of fantasy novels. Itís not just that theyíre extremely unrealistic names, but it seems like theyíre names someone was forced to come up with on the spot.

    Press: Can you elaborate upon the support weíre being given and the resistance weíre facing with the various countries surrounding Afghanistan? The general public is very unfamiliar with the territory itself as well, could you perhaps give us a brief rundown of the surrounding area? The countries that surround Afghanistan I mean.

    White House Press Conference: That surround Afghanistan? Um.. Turke...y... Turk..men...istan... Tajm... ik...istan....

    [Slow nods from the audience.]

    White House Press Conference (gaining confidence): Morder...

    Press: Wasnít that the stronghold of evil in the Lord of the Rings trilogy?

    White House Press Conference (losing confidence): Um... maybe... But look folks, thatís the only place the one true ring of power can be destroyed... Iím sorry, no more questions for now--

    Fat Guy in Some Bar Watching News on Television: No shit. [turning to other guys] Hey, I think I bought a car from a Cheekistanian once.

    Rule to making names relating to regions of the fantasy world inspired by the novel "The Storms of Chaos" in the Land of Ternízíz by the author L.M.N. Blotzschtein: Just add that "-istan" suffix to form any generic country.

    And Jalalabad? Give me a break. I think itís pretty obvious that word should have stopped with the first "la", but once you get that stutter going, you canít admit you slipped up when people are suddenly using it left and right. I mean, how about Jacquacabad? Or Lauracacabad? Or Chefelfistan? Or Poopistan?

    I didnít know this region of the world was so green and moldy.

    Courtesy of MSNBC. Used without permission. This picture in its stolen form copyright (c) 2001 jacques@lanceandeskimo.com.

    And wasnít "Kashmir" a song by Led Zeppelin? What the hell is with our government? They think we wonít double-check our album collection for Physical Graffiti and figure it out? Right now, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant are somewhere laughing their asses off. They, in turn, probably stole "Kashmir" from J.R.R. Tolkien.

    And while the Wood Elves are amassing in the Eastern region of Jalalabad, the Orcish warlords prepare for a final confrontation in their mountainous stronghold at Herat.

    In any case, I turned on the television to clear my mind, when what should I see but pictures of the very city hosting our web site being bombed! I was shocked to say the least. And then the television went on to explain how the United States had some issues with Afghanistan unrelated to web hosting, which relieved me greatly. This was just an isolated coincidence.

    On a completely unrelated note, I was glad to see that the United States is air dropping much needed relief packages for the innocent Afghan people, to simultaneously aid them and combat the propaganda of their government. Aside from the leaflets theyíre dropping (which Iíve been informed are not in fact edible), theyíre dropping food. I saw one of the aid packages on television and it clearly explained on the package in English, Spanish, and French that it was a "gift from the United States". Iím glad to see we havenít forgotten about these poor people, but Iím almost entirely certain that none of those languages are very popular in Afghanistan. They all seem to speak a dialect of gibberish there. And maybe a little French.

    Itís entirely unfortunate that these care packages were not also inscribed with gibberish because I think itís a bit obvious whatís going to happen next.

    Afghan 1: Screw America!

    Afghan 2: Screw America!

    Afghan 1: Screw America!

    Afghan 2: Screw America!

    Afghan 1: Wait! I see something coming from the sky.

    Afghan 2: What is it?

    Afghan 1: Itís a package... [opening it up] With food in it!

    Afghan 2: Whatís it say on the package?

    Afghan 1: Who cares? The Taliban has not forgotten us! Three cheers for the Taliban who, despite American attacks, takes the time to shower us with food!

    Afghan 2: Is that what our flag looks like, with the red stripes and the stars and everything?

    Afghan 1: I guess so. Hooray for the Taliban!

    I awoke from my daydream to some guys on television discussing how Israelís El Al remains the safest of all airlines. That canít be right, I thought to myself. It would seem to me that if I had to be on a plane on any airline right now, it would certainly have to be with Afghanistan. Afghanistanís airlines would most certainly have to be the safest anywhere in the world. Why would anyone want to hijack a plane in Afghanistan? To fly to somewhere else in Afghanistan?

    Or maybe to fly to France? Why would anyone want to do that? Especially when considering how difficult the French are to deal with. Regardless, hijackers could, alternately, just find a plane thatís going to France. I suppose they wouldnít officially be "hijackers" though. Theyíd just be disgruntled passengers. Only a severe idiot would hijack a plane thatís already going where they want to go.

    And as far as finding something to destroy in Afghanistan with a suicide hijacking... good luck.

    Then I heard the United States was going after Afghan airfields in its attack. Crap. My judgment is obviously not a strong asset to this website. Then again, I suppose those who left me in charge of any tasks to begin with would have to question their own judgments a bit more.

    In conclusion, it took me what seems like forever to find another suitable, stable, reliable web host, but Lance and Eskimo Dot Com is finally back up and running. And Iím fairly certain it will continue to stay up and running for good this time.

    Thank God for Iraq.

    Lance and Eskimo Dot Com will be back next week with all new irrelevant, nonspecific, generic bullshit! (Comfortingly unrelated to anything thatís currently going on in the world... unless...)



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