Adventures in Wonderland

There something seriously wrong with the Internet. I won't tell you what it is. I'll let you guess. You have three tries.

Guess 1. No, it isn't the abundant porn. I actually have no problem with porn on the Internet. This is not necessarily because I am a "porn mage", as I insist that I am not. Rather, I have come up with a secret safeguard against porn. IGNORING IT. People who get irate about the existence of something they find offensive, when no one is forcing them to partake in it in any way, are the same people who have every channel but Pax blocked off their TV and write angry emails to me about Rags.

Guess 2. No, it isn't the danger of losing your identity. I actually find that that is one of the primary perks of the Internet. Any hacker who can alter my records so much that they actually physically change my identity, like, my family doesn't know who I am and there's a new girl living in the house named "Trish" and my brothers are all acting like she's their sister, any hacker who can do THAT is my hero for life.

Guess 3. Yes! You guessed it. The main problem with the Internet is the lack of information about the early to mid-nineties Disney channel TV show, "Adventures in Wonderland." It's appalling, but there's actually NO pages about it. And no screen caps or character pictures anywhere on the Internet. (If Google can't find it, it's NOT ON THE INTERNET, PEOPLE!) I guess the show's just not old enough to be nostalgic for the hip Net dudes who make Angelfire fan pages for Thundercats and Transformers, and it went off the air before anybody with a capture card got to it.

In an attempt to remedy the situation, I offer you the following OFFICIAL LAURA'S SHADY MEMORY(tm) "ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND" INFORMATION CENTRAL!

The Concept

A thinly-veiled allegory for a young woman's insanity as she drifts via "magic looking-glass" from the real world to an imaginary "Wonderland" that is all too real to her. Imagine the Lewis Carroll world but replace the Jabberwocky with important lessons about friendship.

The Characters

Alice A pretty strawberry blonde of about twelve years who always dressed in blue, but (get this) rather than the classic Alice pinafore, she wore different snazzy trendy blue outfits. Like stonewashed overalls and royal blue baby tees and bow barrettes. She was all right, I guess, if a little annoying.

The Mad Hatter Definitely the best character, possibly portrayed by Bill Mumy (who starred in the Barbarian Brother's hit flick, Double Trouble, as a henchman, and Lost in Space as "the kid from Lost in Space"). The Mad Hatter was just a cool guy and he was funny looking. He lived in a house which was a giant hat. Most of the time he just hung out outside his house, where there was a giant table set up and completely covered in plastic tea sets and tea party fare.

The March Hare The Mad Hatter's best friend. He played second fiddle but he was good at it. He always wore this loud suit and these round Lennon glasses. The friendship was a beautiful one. Not gay though. Even though the Hare wore neon rainbow colors and I think he might have lived in the hat, too.

The Queen of Hearts Loud, kinda annoying. She wasn't evil, like you might expect of the queen. No one was evil in this Wonderland. She was just spoiled.

The White Rabbit Sort of annoying, but tolerable. He always wore rollerblades and he was the queen's bitch.

The Tweedles The Tweedles were brothers but not twins. One was taller. They wore sequinned jumpsuits with billowy parachute pants and they rapped. I'm telling you, it didn't get any better than this show.

The Caterpillar Once in every episode, Alice or someone would wander into the magical pot-stenched realm of the giant Caterpillar who read fables which were illustrated for the screen using the magic of crappy-ass claymation.

Dormouse Stupid non-character puppet who popped out of a teapot every once in awhile and said something not funny.

Crystal A snazzy purple TV screen on a pole in the middle of some clearing in Wonderland.

Dinah Alice's dispassionate confidante, a fluffy tabby cat who lived in her real-world house. Alice would always pick her up and talk to her, and she would look bored. Alice was insane.

Alice's family Alice had a mom and a brother but we only ever heard their voices offscreen.

Really Lame Excuse for an "Adventures in Wonderland" Episode Guide

I remember a lot of things that happened on "Adventures in Wonderland," but not the order they went in, or episode names, or other things that happened in each episode. So here's my list of occurences I remember.

• One time the Mad Hatter turned Alice's hair green by accident. Possibly she had to learn then that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
• Once Alice and the White Rabbit were looking through all these boxes of the Queen's shoes looking for a particular pair of pumps.
• Once the White Rabbit broke a vase that belonged to the Queen and spent a lot of money to replace it and then the Queen broke that one but told him it was all right because it was a cheap knockoff vase which didn't cost much in the first place.
• There was this time the Mad Hatter's cousin came and she was in a wheelchair and she wrote in her letter, "I don't like stairs," because, you know, she was in a wheelchair, but the Mad Hatter didn't know about homonyms, so he thought she meant "I don't like stares" and everyone avoided eye contact with her and she felt bad.
• Once one of the Tweedles ate some poison fruit and got sick.
• A song about different types of noses.
• Everyone thought that the Mad Hatter had developed an allergy to the March Hare and they had to avoid each other and they were all sad and lonely. But it turned out it was just a flower the hare was wearing.
• The Mad Hatter perfects a machine which creates cinnamon buns with synonyms written on slips of paper baked right into them. He calls them "synonym buns."
• The men of Wonderland form a "no girls club" and the Queen and Alice are angry and sad.
• The White Rabbit loses his voice.
• In a very special episode aired at a very special time, the Wonderland crew veers away from their regular "no, Mr. Hatter, not Antie Nymh, antonym" format and discusses, in its own convoluted way, problems like racial discrimination.
• The March Hare loses a ring in a batch of pretzels.
• Alice has a problem in the real world so she goes to Wonderland to "get away from it all". In Wonderland they're having a problem that mirrors Alice's real-life problem. She solves everything there, and when she come back, she says "Well Dinah, maybe blah blah blah after all". Oh wait, that was EVERY EPISODE.