|
Navigate the Journal
Laura Stuff @ LnE Inconsistently Detailed Boy Meets World Episode Guide Rags' Home of Calico and Suffering
Go Home
|
BEARS!
by Laura
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Ricardo, a young actor
Renaldo the Vapid, a young actor
Joey Lawrence, romantic interest
Miss Truck, a schoolteacher
Bear, a bear
Taramount, a newswoman who will do anything for a "scoop"
SCENE 1 "Bears"
A bustling marketplace. Company, as well as extras, are shopping. Ricardo steps forward with a basket of tomatoes.
RICARDO
Bears!
That I might stroke you,
For you are so lumpy.
Bears!
RENALDO
Bears!
BEAR
He's a lean, mean salmon-eating machine.
JOEY LAWRENCE
Don't you mean a "lean, mean fat-reducing grilling machine"?
ALL
Noooo!
(Two newsboys run onstage.)
Rival Newsboy: Extra, extra! Stitch in time saves nine!
Newsboy: Extry, extry! Read all about it! Bears!
All: Gasp!
Joey Lawrence: Whoa!
(Enter Taramount, who approaches Ricardo and Renaldo, who are buying peaches.)
Taramount (with a microphone): What is your opinion on the recent bears?
Ricardo: Please.
Renaldo: No comment!
(Enter choreographer.)
Choreographer (clapping hands): Places!
(Everyone rushes willy-nilly to predetermined places on stage.)
Choreographer: Three!
(Everyone stomps three times; Joey Lawrence stomps four.)
Choreographer: Activate!
SCENE II "Dance"
(Everyone dances.)
SCENE III "School"
(The dance becomes confused as the company realizes no more steps have been written. They start ad-libbing. The music dies down unexpectedly.
MISS TRUCK steps forward.)
Miss Truck: Playtime is over!
Renaldo: Awwww....
Miss Truck: It's time for class.
(Members of the tech crew replace the market stalls with desks and a globe.)
So often I have felt,
When teaching of my class,
That I am not a schoolteacher
But a winsome british lass.
STUDENTS (including Ricardo, Renaldo, Joey Lawrence, and Bear)
Ooo-oooh.
MISS TRUCK
Now that I am twenty-five
I've grown too big for school
But still do I continue
To teach the golden rule...
STUDENTS
Which is...
MISS TRUCK
Rock and roll!
(A disco ball lowers from the ceiling.)
MISS TRUCK
I mean disco.
(All the students stand up from their desks and start dancing, classic dances such as the robot and twosies and the thing where you pretend to drown. Miss Truck puts on a feather boa and pulls off her long skirt to reveal a shorter skirt.)
MISS TRUCK
Come on baby, dance with me
I'm the greatest teacher, see
I love to sing, I love to dance
I love to wear leather pants
Hear me sing!
(She sings wordlessly over the music for a little while.)
Policeman's Voice: Bears!
(Everyone begins to scream and run away. The only one left on the darkened stage is Ricardo, kneeling in a pool of red light.)
SCENE IV "Bears (Reprise)"
Bears,
How I love to stroke you
For you are so lumpy....
(The rest of the company slowly begins to emerge slowly from the shadows, wearing white.)
ALL
Ah-ooo....
RICARDO
Bears...
RENALDO
Bears...
MISS TRUCK
Bears bears bears baby bears bears bears!
JOEY LAWRENCE
Wha-ooo....
ALL
...ooooo....
(A puff of red light, and the bear appears.)
Bear: Come forward, my son!
(Ricardo comes slowly toward the bear, reaching his hand out.)
Renaldo: Noooo!!
Taramount: It is finished!
(The bear and Ricardo disappear in a puff of white smoke.)
SCENE V "My Best Friend's Wedding"
(The lights come back on and Renaldo is kneeling in anguish, the rest of the company looking confused onstage.)
Renaldo: He's gone!
Taramount: Can I quote you on that?
Joey Lawrence: What happened?
Renaldo: What happened? I'll tell you...
Ever since I've known you, darling
I thought that you would never go
Now my best friend has disappeared
With a bear--I wonder where toe...
MISS TRUCK
I'm not a teacher for being dumb
I know what that bear wants
Either one of two events
Ricardo's wedding or seance...
RENALDO
Marry a bear or die
Marry a bear or die
Which do I prefer?
MISS TRUCK
It doesn't matter what you choose
Either way you'd sing the blues
This question isn't about yous
RENALDO
Ricardo, I thought I knew you
Ricardo, where did you go?
We grew up together,
Now you want to marry a bear, what the dilly yo?
JOEY LAWRENCE
Oh.
Policeman's Voice: Elves!
(Everyone screams and runs away.)
SCENE VI "Finale/Bears Reprise"
(Enter Ricardo from stage right, looking zombie-like and wearing a white suit.)
RICARDO
Now it comes to say "I do"
I'm a fool in love...
(Enter Bear from stage left, also wearing a white suit. He joins Ricardo at center stage. Wedding March begins. The pair begins to march. A priest acends from the mechanical trapdoor. He is holding a copy of the script for BEARS!)
Priest: Put your right hand on this bible. Now repeat after me...
Renaldo's voice: NO!
(Renaldo runs onstage.)
RENALDO: I have an objection, sire!
Priest: Speak up, lad...
RENALDO
Ricardo,
Don't leave me
Alone with Joey Lawrence
My knees are weak
RICARDO
Bears,
How I love to stroke you
For you are so lumpy...
RENALDO (anguished)
Bears!
BEAR
Now it has come time to choose
Between the friends that you will lose
When you die
And me
RICARDO
I can't...
RENALDO:
Please!
JOEY LAWRENCE
I will marry the bear.
ALL: Gasp!
(Renaldo and Ricardo embrace. Taramount hands Joey some flowers and he goes to the altar.)
PRIEST: You are now married.
(Joey Lawrence makes out with the bear.)
CURTAIN
(Want more hot BEARS! action? Click here for an 1412k, approximately 90-second MP3, upon which is recorded, for your listening pleasure, a selection from the preceding musical performed by the legendary Lefty.)
