Old Notes Which, I'm Going to Have to Face It, Will Never Turn Into Full-Scale Updates
The Raisin Bran commercial--a commentary by Lance
(Editor's note: Reminiscent of the deservedly-underrated Lance's Book Report update, this actually tackles the same commercial that Paul talked about in Bad Ads 2. Perhaps I kept this under wraps in order to avoid stepping on his toes; but then, considerations of this kind didn't stop us from posting approximately 9,003,3002 "My Fool is a Crock" stories.)
So ah, there's this Raisin Bran commercial where a guy pours himself a bowl of Raisin Bran, and then he goes and he wants some milk for it, but it's all sour, so he goes outside to a cow so he can milk the cow, y'know? And then inside the house, there's a man and a woman, and they're watching him, and the woman asks, "Are you going to tell him that's a boy cow?" And the man says something like, "He'll figure it out."
But we secretly know there's no such thing as a "boy cow". Rory and Eskimo have tricked me with enough logic problems so I know two things: 1. All puddles of water used to be a block of ice; and 2., a cow, by definition, is a girl cow. When we were watching the commercial Eskimo said, "It would be different if he was trying to milk a goat. You could legitimately not tell if a goat was a boy or a girl."
And I said, "Or a boa constrictor."
So we have come up with the following proposal for an amendment to the commercial: The man realizes there's no milk, so he looks cunningly at his pet boa constrictor, picks it up, and starts wringing it out over his cereal. A few snakeskin flakes fall into the bowl. The snake starts wrapping itself around his arm. Cut to a man and a woman, watching the scene. The woman asks, "Are you going to tell him that's a boy boa constrictor?"
There's No Porn On the Internet
searches that don't lead to porn sites:
hot xxx mad hatter
(judgment call:"hot xxx platonic relationship")
(Editor's note: I haven't checked these results since they were written circa 2001; undoubtedly there is Picard porn by now.)
Actual Titles Mixed in Helter-Skelter with the Gay/Lesbian Studies Books in the Providence Public Library
(Editor's note: also as of circa 2001)
Girls' Zone Quiz
do boys have souls?
Pirates of the Caribbean (Movie Review? Quiz?)
Considering that it eventually boiled down to vaudeville, I think we're all glad I never posted any of this stuff.