Old Notes Which, I'm Going to Have to Face It, Will Never Turn Into Full-Scale Updates

The Raisin Bran commercial--a commentary by Lance

(Editor's note: Reminiscent of the deservedly-underrated Lance's Book Report update, this actually tackles the same commercial that Paul talked about in Bad Ads 2. Perhaps I kept this under wraps in order to avoid stepping on his toes; but then, considerations of this kind didn't stop us from posting approximately 9,003,3002 "My Fool is a Crock" stories.)

So ah, there's this Raisin Bran commercial where a guy pours himself a bowl of Raisin Bran, and then he goes and he wants some milk for it, but it's all sour, so he goes outside to a cow so he can milk the cow, y'know? And then inside the house, there's a man and a woman, and they're watching him, and the woman asks, "Are you going to tell him that's a boy cow?" And the man says something like, "He'll figure it out."

But we secretly know there's no such thing as a "boy cow". Rory and Eskimo have tricked me with enough logic problems so I know two things: 1. All puddles of water used to be a block of ice; and 2., a cow, by definition, is a girl cow. When we were watching the commercial Eskimo said, "It would be different if he was trying to milk a goat. You could legitimately not tell if a goat was a boy or a girl."

And I said, "Or a boa constrictor."

So we have come up with the following proposal for an amendment to the commercial: The man realizes there's no milk, so he looks cunningly at his pet boa constrictor, picks it up, and starts wringing it out over his cereal. A few snakeskin flakes fall into the bowl. The snake starts wrapping itself around his arm. Cut to a man and a woman, watching the scene. The woman asks, "Are you going to tell him that's a boy boa constrictor?"

THE END

There's No Porn On the Internet

searches that don't lead to porn sites:

hot xxx mad hatter
hot xxx mental fatigue
hot xxx law of averages
hot xxx summer day
hot xxx jean-luc picard
hot xxx gelatinous cube
hot xxx slide rule
hot xxx milquetoast
hot xxx billiards team captain
hot xxx straightedge
hot xxx booklearning
hot xxx soup
hot xxx court jesters
hot xxx alan alda

(judgment call:"hot xxx platonic relationship")

(Editor's note: I haven't checked these results since they were written circa 2001; undoubtedly there is Picard porn by now.)

Actual Titles Mixed in Helter-Skelter with the Gay/Lesbian Studies Books in the Providence Public Library

(Editor's note: also as of circa 2001)

• The Underworld Sewer
• The Sexual Lives of Savages
• Perversion
• Vindication of the Rights of Whores
• The Best of Dear Abby
• Robots, Robots, Robots

Girls' Zone Quiz

do boys have souls?

Pirates of the Caribbean (Movie Review? Quiz?)

jack:
too gay
not gay enough
all of the above

Totally Miscellaneous

• Things I'm Tired of in Language Use: of {adjective ending in 'ic' but not related to size/length} proportions; ex. of psychic proportions, of economic proportions
• Things That Sound A Lot More Villainous Than They Actually Are: widow/orphan control
• Name of a major street in my dream: "Handel's Waterway Arrangement of the Broadway Hit 'Boyfriend, Boyfriend' Avenue"
• to scream out, RSVP! during sex
• One in every hundred babies is born German.
• "I just flew in from Denver and boy, am I tired! Take my wife, for example... please!"

Considering that it eventually boiled down to vaudeville, I think we're all glad I never posted any of this stuff.