Fun with French Spam
You know porn spam email? You get it all the time. Usually they're nice little notes "from" a girl with a vanilla name like "Linda" or "Candy," who just turned eighteen today, and is either wet, moist, or soggy, and who wants you to watch her and her friends perform various sexual activities. These emails are run-of-the-mill fare for your in-box, and everyone who has an email address has gotten at least one; several a day if you use Hotmail.
I do not use Hotmail, so I don't get many of these emails, unless Jacques forwards them to me for reasons unfathomable. The other day, however, I did recieve the following:
Now, I cannot read French, despite my oft-repeated assertion that I was one of four people who actually passed the placement test into French II at Classical High School (and I was the only one of the four who was in French I in middle school and not French II, and I got in the 99th percentile). But, since I chose to go for Japanese instead, I haven't actually been exposed to any French since that time. The only thing I could tell was that the letter ended with not one, not two but THREE P.S.s, and that the website is free!!!!!, and something about lesbians, fetishism and possibly black people.
Questions for the French, re: this email
You may think that this is the end of the Sex Annuaire Story. You may not. You may or may not think wrong.
The very next day, I recieved this, subject header "Fresh news from Bill":
I was on my turf now. The Sex Annuaire people were speaking my language: English. Now, this is by no means just an English language version of the above mail--no "lesbiennes," no "Cecile". Rather, it's a completely new message, one that, because of its English-being-in, I can make fun of far more easily.
This is one of those "fake personalized" spams, one which pretends to be a friend of yours under the assumption that you'll more likely go to a porn site if a friend recommends it. I have no doubt that "Brad" and "Bill" are both entirely fabricated. But don't they realize that an overpersonalized email is even more alienating than an overgeneralized one? I'm not Brad. Brad's not even that common a name. Even if most people can't tell right off that this is a porn spam, they will, upon seeing the mail addressed to Brad, assume it's misdirected. Even if you do trust a "friend"'s recommendation of a porn site, why would you trust a recommendation aimed at someone else?
I don't care if you're a non-native English speaker, I don't think that question makes sense in any language.
"Bill" and his cohorts at Sex Annuaire, Inc. continue to make assumptions about me I'm not comfortable with. I'm married all of a sudden? What do I want with porn, then? She's beautifull!
I will be in london on thursday.
More attempts at making me feel like Bill is really my friend. However, the more specific they get, the more continue to convince me that I'm not the person they want to talk to.
Whooooaaa! Hold on! Kiss? Hey, I'm married, you know! Maybe they do things differently in France, or as I call it, "Fancy France," but here in London, we're just as homophobic as ever, so you keep your lips to yourself, Mister.
Oh...I must to tell you!
See you on thursday!!! BYE!!!
INAPPROPRIATE ASSUMPTION: That I'm going to agree to have dinner with him. After what he pulled, trying to kiss me and then selling his indecent wares? No thank you! If I'm going to let that French yahoo into my cushy London pad, my name's not Brad Vincent, right, honey?
USUALLY-BEAUTIFULL WIFE: Right!