Hell is Being Trapped in a Room with Your Friends or Whatever That Guy Once Said (and How he Said it)

A Dramatist's Interpretation

Me
So, what do you want to do tonight, fellows?

Oscar Wilde
A better question would be, (insert clever twist upon my words)

Me
Yuh-huh. What about you, Mr. Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes
Leave me alone.
(shoots up cocaine)

Me
Looks like it's just going to be another evening at home.

Frodo
Ohhhh.... the ring grows heavy, Laura...

Twiki
Bidibidibidi. Shut your pie-hole, small fry.

Sam
You lay off Mr. Frodo! He's working mighty hard on a very dangerous errand.

Twiki
Aw, cheese off. What is he, your boyfriend? Bidibidibidi.

Sam
Don't listen to him, Mr. Frodo. He's just jealous. I guess we oughtn't expect robots to understand the platonic ideal of friendship.

Dr. Theopolis
I don't know; Twiki has a point. You two are awfully close.

Frodo
Ohhh...
(eyes roll up into his head, as his finger inches toward the ring)

Sam
Mr. Frodo, no!
(tackles Frodo, pinning him and holding past to his wrists to keep his ring-wearing and ring-holding hands apart, until Frodo slowly comes to)

Frodo
Sam...?

Sam
(still pinning the weakened Frodo as he glares at the dual-entitied robot-figure) s
You see? He's just dyin' to get his long phallic-shaped body part into that round, invitin', female-symbolly ring thing.

Dr. Theopolis
But you won't let him, I see.

Frodo
Sam...?

Sam
Anyway, what's with you always gettin' carried hither and thither by some creepily boy-shaped robot slave?

Twiki
Hey, man. We're on the level.

Dr. Theopolis
I have no legs! I can't walk around, let alone engage in any... untoward behavior.

Twiki
Bidibidibidi. No hanky panky.

Sam
And we ain't gay!

Me
Boys, boys. There's nothing wrong with homosexuality.

Oscar Wilde
Daaaaamn skippy.

Frodo
Sam... I can't breathe...

Data
You may lie upon me, Sam. As an android I do not require oxygen. In addition, I am...

All
...fully functional.

Me
We know, Data.

Mr. Darcy
Everybody just shut up! I hate you all! You're not my real family!

Batman Beyond
I never asked to be a crime-fighter!

FIN

- Laura