Hot Fun in the Early Spring

I was reading someone's paper over their shoulder on the train, like ya do, and happily, my unwitting host stayed long enough on page 2 of the Summer Fun insert for me to read all three (3) of the great tips for Keeping Cool This Summer! In case you can't afford the Metro (because it is, of course, a free paper, I speak here of the spiritual cost), I'll sum them up for you here, with titles of dubious cuteitude intact:

• Pull the shades. According to this tip, if you draw the shades, less sun comes in!
• Pump it up. The content of this tip had to do with the purchase and use of an air conditioner.
• Fan Club. This tip advised you to invest in a fan.

I want to be kind because the writer clearly had difficulty expanding the material to fit the four-by-six space and because it is an achievement to produce filler so light it makes a box of packing peanuts look like a densely informative explanation of how the current credit crisis was caused by loans backed by Meaningless Commercial Bank Papers (MCBPs) which were bundled and sliced and the slices were bundled and sold to Large Unstable Companys (LUCs) and that is why you have no money, but honestly, there is no way that I can accept these suggestions as "handy hints." An expensive, brute-force solution that is known by everyone is pretty much the opposite of a handy hint. Anyone who can afford an air conditioner has one; it's the rest of us poor sub-prime credits who need the help.

Without further ado, here are my official Cheapo Tips for Keeping Cool This Summer!

• Sudden death overtime! If you work in an air conditioned office, simply stay there! Surf the internet, photocopy your face, annoint yourself with paper clip regalia, and crawl into large available boxes. Note: make sure your superviser is not also "working" "overtime."
• Mooch-as Gracias! Even if you don't work in an air-conditioned office, you can reap the benefits of other people's air conditioning by cultivating more affluent friends, taking in lengthy foreign films, and having difficulty deciding between Mountain Spring and Avalanche Power Speed Stick at the drugstore. For an excellent cost-to-time ratio, take a long book to a coffee shop. With a little skill, it is possible to nurse an iced coffee, sucking on the slowly melting sugary ice cubes, for an entire working day.
• Burn (treatment), baby, burn (treatment)! Pretend you have a mild burn and wrap an ice cube in a washcloth or sandwich bag. Apply to self as needed!
• Hit the showers, kid! Cold showers aren't just for untimely sexual arousal anymore! Not only will you feel good under the cascade of inexpensive unheated water, but the benefits will last for many minutes to come, especially if you do not towel yourself off. Hint: do not dry your hair! Wet hair can keep you cool long enough to actually fall asleep! Which brings us to our final tip:
• To sleep, perchance to steam! As long as you're unconscious, you'll miss some of the unpleasantness! For extra bang for your buck, try to arrange to be comatose or vegetative for June through August--you might even land in an air-conditioned hospital! If you miscalculate and wind up dead, bonus! There's nothing like a morgue drawer and a complete lack of body heat for keeping cool this summer!

See? Cooling off already. Or maybe that's just the frost forming in your unheated apartment. Anyway, you'll thank me when the weather gets above freezing.