Goofy Couture

I recently attended a dinner party held by some eccentric millionaire acquaintances, during which a seamstress friend of mine posed an interesting question for the group. It seems that she had gotten her hands on quite a quantity of hot pink velour, and intended to create her own Juicy Couture-style sweatsuits. For the uninitiated, Juicy Couture is that company that makes sweatpants with the word "Juicy" printed across the ass region in a perplexing Old English style font.

(An aside: I first saw a Juicy t-shirt in a Japanese catalog. Not seeing the shirt actually on a person, I didn't make the connection between the adjective and the boobs that it intended to describe, and I thought it was just random. It was a reasonable assumption to make, considering that a rather large percentage of the clothes and toys I saw in Japan were adorned with random English words. My deep love for random silliness drove me to declare my desire for the shirt, but now I'm glad I didn't get it.)

My seamstress friend's question was this: What word ought she print on the wearer's butt? It would be a waste to simply copy the other company's "Juicy." She had a golden opportunity here, to print any word or phrase she wished, provided it would fit in large, easily readable Old English style print on an average size eight lady's derriere. The query gave our company pause for a moment, as we all racked our brains to think of the funniest possible butt word. At the time, my only suggestion was to print "Ass" or "Butt" or "Assbutt," to let the viewer know exactly what they were looking at. I've always been more comfortable in a world where everything is labelled, a la The Busy World of Richard Scarry.

However, with having forgotten completely, been reminded, and briefly reconsidered the request, I propose the following humble suggestions.

	Sometimes girls have things written on their butt like "If you can read this you're too close" or "It's not polite to stare." (At least, I think I've seen garments like this. If I haven't, there's marketing to be done!) And I think this instills in the butt-reader a much needed sense of shame and guilt, but of course the eternal paradox is that by having slightly difficult to make out letters on their behind, the wearers are actually inviting stares, especially from voracious readers like myself. It's unfair to place all of the blame on the viewer. I think the "Creepy" pants make an important and all-encompassing declaration that describes every aspect of the words-on-the-ass phenomenon. Staring at a lady's butt is creepy, wearing a slogan on your backside to get people to look is creepy, coquettishly scolding them for looking is creepy. It's just creepy! And your butt should be able to state that.
	The word "juicy" is intended to invoke the sense that this particular part of the anatomy is round and firm like a juicy peach (and not, presumably, that there's liquid coming out of it). I cannot think of a better word to drive home the harsh reality that the human butt is not always just a happy playground of viewing and squeezing delight. It is also sometimes stinky. Even normal functions of the butt, things that are nothing to get worried about, are often things you don't want to be near when they happen. And let's not get started on abnormal anal states.
	My first foray into phrase rather than words. Just "Ass" is too simple, think; this is the best way to state "I'm clearly labelling my butt so you are not confused as to its nature." Or perhaps that is, if you could fit it all. Perhaps that should be an option for the XXL pants.
	A commentary on the traditional Juicy Couture font choice which has the added bonus of proclaiming your ass to be old. If you are old, this is fitting. If you are young, it's that hip irony all the kids are talking about!
	A combination of the previous two, which simulataneously (a) labels your ass; (b) notes the goofiness of using Old English-style calligraphy for such a task; and (c) perplexes anyone who doesn't know that in early printing the "s"s were shaped like "f"s.
	When it comes to making fun of the font, I just can't get enough. And one thing the Old English typeface reminds me of is a diploma. Go get your diploma; I guarantee you the font will be similar. (Unless you went to a goofy school, maybe.) In addition to the hilarious observational humor about the uses of this font, this sweatpant also implies that your ass is your diploma. What does this mean? Did your sex appeal get you through school? Did you go to the school of hard butts? Who knows! Who cares.
	No pun here, just randomness.