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Laura recently dyed her hair blue! It's that kind of kooky adorableness that is so needed in the position of Cutest Redcloud Brother. Laura promises that if she is elected, she will appoint at least two kittens to her cabinet! But they don't have to go in there if they don't want to.
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Why You Should Vote For LauraSome people might say it is easiest for me to win the cuteness contest because I am the only girl, and most boys are deathly afraid if they vote for a boy, this makes them gay. This is ridiculous. It's secret ballot! No one knows you're gay. So please, I don't want any special treatment just because I'm a girl. I want to win by the only process that will ensure I am elected on my own merits. I am referring of course to the process of elimination. Jacques. Yeah, like you're gonna vote for Jacques. He does have a nice pink alligator shirt, but who drew him in that shirt? Me. But for me, he would not have that shirt. Nate. Okay, so Nate is an elf. Big deal. His bitter mysogynist comments in The Relationship Thingy is more than enough to cancel out his sexy pointy ears. His last-ditch effort to recover himself from that and win more votes in The Vegeta Girl Thing is no more than a clever ruse. A ruse, I tell you! You see, he is lying to you already. Do you really want a lying anti-girl winning your vote? Paul. Oh, please. Paul is not cute. He is grizzled. He is a tough guy. He is Kurt Russell. Can you imagine him smiling sweetly at you and telling you he loves the way you smell, or something? Of course not. He would just spit at you. That's... well, it's something, but cute it is not. Lance. I can't say anything negative about Lance. He is definitely the cutest actual boy in our family. Look at how his hair shines! How soft and flawless his skin, like an angel's. And when not wearing sunglasses, he has eyes into forever. And he's a romantic guy, when you get right down to it. Unfortunately, he is not real. |
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So you see, I'm the only one left. I choose my own clothing, I don't make anti-girlfriend generalizations, I don't lie shamelessly to gain votes, I am not Kurt Russell, and I am real. Relatively. If you think about it, I'm the only one who doesn't not deserve your vote.
Plus, I'm a romantic kinda chick. You know? I have merits of my own. I love the Karate Kid movies, I don't make you shop or clean or learn to dance, I'm straightforward and I don't hint around about stuff or have secret hidden plans. And I'm not even a vegetarian. So there you go. I am an excellent catch. Just look at these stellar quotes:
"Laura is a beautiful girl whom I have also been told is a lover, not a fighter. She's smart, funny, charismatic and she looks good in vynal [sic]."
"...I thought [Laura] was 2-dimensional because she was incredibly attractive and didn't like me one bit."
"Her warmth and compassion for people, animals and her beloved cornfields makes her an inspiration to all!"
"Laura [Redcloud] is a girl to whom there is no equal. I think I feel good about myself because she makes me feel good about myself. You know? It's like she makes me love me."
"Princes and princesses from far lands come to woo [Laura] daily with love poems and bushel baskets full of gold and jewels."
"Thank you for taking the time to write us such a nice letter on the Action towelette. We appreciate you enthusiasm about the product
and hope that you continue to use it."
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Look! Laura has a widdul panda on her shirt! Legend has it she rescued that panda from evil poachers who threatened to claim the lives of over 700,000 fuzzy critters deep in the Adorable Forest of Brazil. Luckily, Laura used her Negotiation Skills to get the American Government to bribe the poachers with solid gold bullion cubes. Now she and her panda sidekick wander from forest to forest, helping hapless creatures and sick children everywhere.
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