Reason I Should Never Be A Parent #56201: Laura's Big Book of Baby Names

Despite my best intentions I am rarely capable of successful interactions with children, and as I age, the cut-off plane--the lowest age person with which I can comfortably converse--increases. Part of this might have to do with my uncomfortability in conversing with anybody. But children confuse me particularly, because they are less likely to adhere to the maxims of conversation. Also, they don't like me.

      This, combined with my terror of having a parasitic creature growing, Alien-like, inside me, until the day it bursts out unleashing gore and terror upon the populace, not to mention my inability to take anything seriously, seems to suggest that I ought to refrain from having children. Given the world's complete and utter lack of underpopulation, I don't think that's a bad thing; although while I cannot be faulted for not making a new baby, I could be accused of failing in my civic duty by refusing to raise a child made by somebody else. But after you--and the DCYF--see this list of possible names, you'll thank me.

Note: All names are equally unsuitable for either gender.

Abacus Flinch
    Because pun names never get old.

Alvin Simon Theodore Plantagenet
    Combines the Chipmunks with an air of royalty--the fundamental elements of greatness!

Bug Bug
    For when naming your child "Bug" just isn't enough.

Doctor
    When combined with last name, gives the false impression of accreditation, without the necessity of formal education; thus you not only give your child an unusable name, but save a fortune in the process!

e-Rex
    Kind of like "T-Rex," but technologically savvy! The great thing about technology-related names is that it gives your child permanent impression of being on the cutting edge, like when you had kids in the 80s and named them "Intel 8008". The only real problem I can foresee is that is sounds kind of like "erects," but in that tense it is far more likely to refer to a statue than a penis. The great thing about children is their ability to make that distinction.

First Name
    All of the cruel carelessness without the messy verbosity of "Fill in Name Here."

Fitzwilliam O'Module
    Pseudo-Irish and nonsensical, the recipe for success that worked for Alanis, The Matchmaker, and Dublin.

Hampants
    Just rolls off the tongue.

Hickory Dickory Fuck You
    Sticks it to the nursery rhymes while giving your child the amusing dilemma of a name she is not allowed to say.

Incredible Phil, The
    Gives your child the assurance, "No matter what happens, I will always call you Incredible." That, or "If you are not Incredible, I will disown you." The great thing about "incredible" is that it connotes "unbelievably great," but actually means "not able to be believed," so if your kid is just a liar it works too.

Intel 8008
    See "e-Rex".

Jane the Tiger
    The ferocity of a tiger counteracts the docile femininity of the name Jane, which is especially useful if your child is a boy.

Mechanically Inclined Betsy
    A name like this lets your child know straight out what you wish her interests to be, and quickly becomes bitterly ironic when they are unceremoniously rejected. People who like bitter irony are all set! And if she does turn out to be mechanically inclined, and you only gave her that name because it would be ironic when she wasn't, well, then, that's ironic too. Win Win!

Prince Autobus
    Another name with an air of royalty, and a bit of a Roman flair.

Sparks
    Another name that becomes knee-slappingly ironic if your child doesn't become a mechanic.

Thunderjim
    Any name that could be spoken in the sentence "All hail, for he is _______," with the final filled-in word in all capitals, is a good name in my book.

Tiger Jane
    See "Jane the Tiger".

Trance
    You too can have the fun of naming your child after a television character without the embarrassment of facing another family whose child is named Geordi or Willow or Beacon Street Pizza. After all, nobody in their right mind would name their child after a character from Andromeda.