Nick and Laura's Prom Adventure, Part II

It is impossible to convey to you the depth of emotion experienced at this momentous event, except possibly if one were to use to word "boredom". In order to present you with the most detailed and accurate account of the Prom, a team of highly trained experts (Laura and Nick) have painstakingly recorded the minutes. Enjoy.

6:30 The prom begins. Nick and Laura are standing politely in Nick's living room in full formal wear, listening to his mom explain the map she insisted on buying.

6:41 Nick and Laura are stuck in traffic. They try to find an alternate route, but the map shows precisely one road through North Kingstown, and they're on it. They toss the map out the window.

7:00 Nick and Laura are still stuck in traffic. They begin playing "Movie."

7:11 Nick and Laura arrive at the Prom. Laura complains, "My shoes hurt."

7:15 Nick and Laura get their pictures taken. Some say, a person who has a picture of you can steal your soul. Laura says she looked goofy, and, she "TOOOTALLY blinked." Nick is skeptical.

7:16 The button on Nick's rental tux pops off. He curses.

7:21 Laura complains that everyone else's dress is longer than hers, and everyone can see her painfully bruised legs. Nick suggests suicide.

7:25 Everyone is asked to take their seats for dinner.

7:30 The request is repeated. Nick and Laura are the only ones seated. They begin to play "Movie."

7:45 The easy listening music is turned up really loud, thus drowning out any dinner conversation. Laura is somewhat relieved; she was up to "M-O-V-I."

8:00 Laura considers clawing her own hand off with the salad fork.

8:02 Nick and Laura are served. Nick complains that the salad is overdressed. Laura concurs, adding "It's turning my carrots into paste."

8:14 Nick and Laura discuss writing the minutes of the prom. Nick points out that this is impossible, because neither of them has a watch.

8:20 Due to the heat, and the fact that it cannot be buttoned anyway, Nick feels compelled to remove his jacket. He now looks exactly like the waiters.

8:25 Dinner is over. Everyone is wondering if there will be dessert. At a nearby table, Nick's friends suggest a group picture in which Nick and Laura are invited to take part.

8:26 Nick and Laura stand in line for the group picture. Alone.

9:10 Group shot taken. Laura wants to drape her leg over the shoulder of the boy in front of her, to show off her bruises, but Nick warns against it.

9:12 Nick and Laura brag to their group picture mates about having saved three dollars by choosing a picture package other than the "Group Special". (This involved pretending that Laura didn't want to buy any pictures, which is true. Laura didn't want to buy any pictures. She wanted to get them for free at the expense of Nick's parents.)

9:18 The loud easy listening music is replaced with loud, vulgar rap/"dance" music. The only discernable lyrics of the first song are "It's getting hot in here/Let's take off all our clothes." Laura and Nick note that it is getting hot in here, SO....

9:19 Nick and Laura wander out to the terrace. They decide to take a walk about the grounds, because the pathway to the grounds is blocked off by a rope. "What are they hiding?" Nick and Laura wonder, hoping to find dead bodies.

9:20 As soon as they are off of the terrace, Laura complains that she is cold. Nick gives her his defective jacket.

9:20:23 Laura complains that her feet hurt. Nick suggests she remove her shoes.

9:20:46 Laura complains that her feet are cold. In impotent disgust, Nick heads back to the terrace.

9:21 Upon their return, Nick and Laura find some of Nick's friends sitting on the terrace steps (under the rope). They make sexual innuendoes. Nick and Laura are not amused.

9:23 Nick and Laura enjoy the night air from the terrace. The moonlit stillness is broken when Laura complains that her feet hurt. At Laura's request, Nick chivalrously sweeps Laura into his powerful arms. An observant friend inquires, "Do you know we can all see your girlfriend's underwear?" Nick immediately drops Laura, who complains that her dress is too short, and this wouldn't happen with a long dress, and, in other news, her butt hurts.

9:30 Nick and Laura realize they're the only ones left on the terrace, except for a few couples having sex in dimly lit corners. They wander back inside, only to discover that they're late for the election of the king and queen. After making due apologies to the Court, they shuffle humbly to their appointed seats. From this vantage point the election is completely blocked from their field of vision.

9:34 Election is over. Loud whoops from all directions. Laura complains that she was not elected Prom Queen. Nick points out that she is a junior, and this is the senior prom, and anyway, she does not attend the school in question. Laura mutters, "Even so," and daydreams about tiaras. Nick's little brother complains that the black people always win.

9:40 Nick wants to dance. Unfortunately, the dance floor is completely packed, so as to prevent dancing. Nick ingeniously clears a section of dance floor in a remote part of the ballroom and proceeds to dance there, embarrassingly, with people who are not Laura.

9:41 Nick and his friends suggest that Laura join them. She proceeds to stand on the dance floor. Nick moves her arms. In impotent disgust, Laura returns to her seat.

9:50 Nick returns to the table, wakes Laura, and suggests a walk about the ballroom.

9:55 During their walk, Nick and Laura run into one of Nick's acquaintances. She compliments Laura's dress, noting that Laura's choice to wear a short dress was "daring" and that Laura must be "very confident." Laura whines that she didn't know you were supposed to wear a long dress, and points out her bruises.

9:58 Nick is mistaken for a waiter and is asked bruskly to get more rolls. He curses his lot.

10:08 Nick finds the secret dessert table in a remote area of the country club, with exactly twenty pieces of cake in total. To serve two hundred teenagers.

Nick's cake theory: The freaking catering service realized that they didn't bring nearly enough dessert for everyone, so they figured they'd just stick what they did have where, like, three people would find it, and that way it would last the night and they could eat the leftovers.

10:20 Nick goes to the bar to get drinks (COCA COLA). He is held up when the man serving drinks has to clean up a soda that someone spilled on the dance floor. Silently, Nick rebukes the practice of dancing with one's drink.

10:20 During Nick's absence, Laura is bombarded by dance requests from cute girls. Laura gently refuses, either because she is a loyal and wonderful girlfriend, or because she just wanted some Coke. Or because she just HATES DANCING!

10:25 The last song of the prom is played. The song is slow and sweet-sounding and features the word "remember," but is still just about having raunchy sex.

10:30 The prom finally ends. A few of Nick's well-dressed former classmates, smoking pot on the hoods of their cars, wave politely as our heroic couple pulls out of the country club parking lot and into the moonbathed wilderness of Deerscrew, Rhode Island. A good time had by all. Until they started going the wrong way down route six and ended up in Delaware.