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          I'd like to take this opportunity, my first day back in two weeks, to retract a few erroneous statements I've made.

1. My statement that I'm the best member of the Lance and Eskimo team, that I'll never let Lance and Eskimo down, and that "Jacques will fall before I do"
          It's true. Finally, after a year at L& and two years before that at a crappy Angelfire Lance and Eskimo site, I let down the website by not updating for two straight weeks. Last week, it was Boxing Day, one of the year's biggest holidays in This Glorious City. I took this as an opportunity to take a break from updating, but, ever-tireless, Nate took over. The week before, I just didn't update. Brain fever? Perhaps. Perhaps a witch hath cast over me a spell of forgetfulness. Or perhaps I'm just a lamer. In any case, I'll take all the necessary beatings and I'll understand if you never speak to me again, but I hope you'll forgive me all the same.

2. My description of Christmas as "a humbug"
          I've been a fool. I daresay there have been a great many things from which I have derived good that I have not profited from, Christmas among the rest. Sorry about that.

3. My assertion that "the Berlin Wall will stand forever!"
          Well, I was just wrong. At three, I hadn't yet honed my now-famous precognition skills.

4. Anything and everything I said about Lizzie McGuire
          Sometimes people form opinions about whether or not they like a certain Disney Channel TV show, and sometimes those opinions are wrong. You'll know you're wrong because illiterate pre-teens will send you raving e-mails. It's my fault, really, for putting my email address at the bottom of every article.

          I'd like to take this opportunity to respond to those emails. I know, I've seen the light, and everything, but one must stand up for oneself.

          Here is the first e-mail (with my comments, of course):

hey u know what-its low that you would pay to to have a site that insults somehthing that you dont like.

Actually, I don't pay at all. Paul and Nate pay. I mooch. This is because I have no income.

People dont want to hear your complaining!!!

Actually, they do. The very day I put up the article, I got an email with the subject line "Lizzie McGuire", and the sole of the text was, "Thanks!"

So you dont like Lizzie Mcguire, there are people that do so why would u even bother dissing her.

By the same logic, one might (MIGHT) venture so far as to say, "So you like Lizzie McGuire, there are people who don't so why would you even bother emailing them."

Go get a hobby!

Dearie, this is my hobby.

I had a lot to say about that one, huh? I just can't let spotty logic go. That's my downfall. But wait, there's more. The next one came in light cyan letters, so it was impossible to read without blocking it. You'll forgive me if I alter the color slightly, for readability.

listen, I don't know why you have this stupid website up, because it totally makes no sense.

If her email was a pot and my website was a kettle, I'd have the NAACP on her ass.

no one will care if you dont like lizzie.

You care.

all teenage girls are like lizzie. we all are bitchy cuz we are TEENAGERS!!! get the pic?

I'm a teenager, and I'm not bitc--oh wait.

and get it, its just a tv show, and i bet that little 13 year old hilary duff is makin more money than you so I'd be quiet.

Certainly. She has a job. And I never made fun of her personally. And you think people aren't allowed to make fun of those who make more money? Has anyone even heard the name Bill Gates outside of a joke?

Shes a role model for us teenagers and so is miranda. they both have a unique and great sense of style.

Oh, no. The Lizzie generation.

so get over ur insecurities and stop wasting your time worrying about 13 year olds that are on a tv show. its a TV show.

I'm not worried. I'm just... concerned.

And you say they are all self centered and everything. Get over it. All teenagers are. Its a fact of life!!!!

See the self-defeatist morals the Lizzie McGuire generation is taking? It's a travesty.

so just get over everything and drop all the stupid comments. maybe even though you try to cover it, maybe you are stupider than ethan. oh probably.!

Who's Ethan? A quick referral to my Lizzie McGuire article, and it turns out he's the hot stupid guy. All right, darling, if it makes you feel better, I'm stupid, but if punctuation's any indicator well--never mind. I'm stupid but, hey, at least I'm hot.

lizzie mcguire ruleess!!!!!!!!!!!! forever!!!!

All right. That convinced me.

Again, I retract everything I ever said about Lizzie McGuire.