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Laura Reviews: SeaQuest DSV

SeaQuest DSV is short for "Sea Quest Deep Submergence Vehicle." My theory is that it started out as a Word Perfect 4 file and they only had eight characters, plus a three-letter extension (in Word Perfect it didn't matter what was after the period, you could put .exe or .sys and it would still run as a WP file). So they had to shorten the last part to initials and take the space out. SEAQUEST.DSV.

       My humor is lost on all you non-WP users.

       Anyway, SeaQuest was a cheesy submarine show. Kind of like Star Trek, but with sponges.

Season Quality Rundown: The Season Quality bit is usually at the end of a Review, but it's very important for SeaQuest, so I'm putting it at the beginning. You see, first season was fun. Absolutely good times. The best. Mwah mwah, kiss kiss. It actually wasn't that good, but when you compare it to the other seasons... well, let me just say it's not pretty.

       The following is a list of characters that they dropped from Season One to Season Two:

Katie Hitchcock (Stacy Haiduk), the tough but oh-so-pretty female empowerment symbol. She worked out a lot. Also, she had ice-blue eyes. She was my second favorite character after Lt. O'Neal (Ted Raimi, who later played Joxer on Xena).
Ben (John D'Aquino, later Ulysses on one episode of Xena, and I think he was on Sliders a couple of times too), the lovable Entertainment Officer. He wasn't actually that entertaining, but hey, it's the bottom of the sea, what do you want? He was kind of a big brother type to the Ship Teenager, Lucas--that's big brother in the family sense, not the 1984 sense. Also, he was Katie Hitchcock's ex-husband. Hoo hoo boy, was he a bad husband! Laugh, laugh. Ben was also my second favorite character.
Dr. Kristen Westphalen (Stephanie Something), the middle-aged British medical doctor. She was nice. It's not her fault she dated Captain Bridger (Roy Scheider, who was in some movies, like Jaws, and the one with the casino). The Good Doctor didn't make the top three favorite characters, but she was up there.

And now, a list of characters they gained in Season Two:

The Freakin Spoonbender (Rosalind Allen, who later played a woman who dated Mr. Turner on one episode of Boy Meets World). I forget the character's real name. It was something dumb. She was the ship psychologist (apparently they decided to opt for mental over physical health, a poor move in my opinion, but what do I know about the mysterious workings of the submariner? Ten to one it's more than the makers of SeaQuest know.) Also, she was also a psychic. She could bend small metal objects, like spoons and keys. Also, I hate her.

A guy with gills who had a New York accent. Also, he was an ex-convince. Also, I hate him.

A security guard (Edward Kerr). Meh.

A sucky girl who slept with a teddy bear. And sucked.

Dagwood who was a mutant and was big and kinda dumb but very, very nice. Again, meh.

And finally, the two good additions to the team...

A sexy hairdo for Season One veteran Miguel Ortiz, who was kind of a nothing in Season One but sort of developed, quite randomly, into a fun guy in Season Two;

And, Captain Bridger's Beard!!!!

That's all for Season Two. Now for, Season Three, or SeaQuest 2032, well, The Less Said, The Better. Except I will say this: If you are walking down the street, and you see SeaQuest 2032, GET OUT OF THE WAY. Trust me.

Other things to note: Darwin the Talking Dolphin; 16-year-old professional whiner Lucas Walenczecque (ever-dreamy Jonathon Brandis), and his function on a government research vessel; Ted Raimi's unfailingly straight-faced character, and his rendition of Speaking Korean; revenge of the gods.


- Laura