Soon-to-be Extinct Candy: Twilight Conversation Hearts

I'll admit it: I thought Twilight was a lot of fun, and I'm a sucker for the merchandise, the more ridiculous the better. I'm also, as you know, very interested in conversation hearts. So, Twilight conversation hearts were a must-have for me. Considering the lamentable quality and concept of the hearts (end of March? really? was the DVD supposed to come out for Valentine's day? Have these just been sitting around?), I decided to give them the full Extinct Beverage treatment.

See

The colors--pink, red, orange, lilac--seem significantly less variable and rainbowtastic in person than in the picture on the box.

The sparkle effect is somewhat difficult to see on the hearts themselves, but it is notable that after handling them, your hand becomes sparkly. (Or am I just a beautiful, diamond-skinned vampire?)

Sniff

First opening of the box releases a strong artificial fruit scent, strongly reminiscent of my strawberry conditioner from the dollar store; that is to say, not unlike an obnoxious Seventeen magazine perfume insert mixed with the aroma of a stale box of Nerds. The scent becomes more powerful when the interior plastic packet is breached.

Savor

The hearts, which come in four "Forbidden Fruit" flavors, are more reminiscent of tropical fruit Bubble Yum than of traditional Conversation Hearts. I've matched the colors to the flavors listed on the box for your convenience, but only after blind tasting.

Traditional Necco Pink
Sickly sweet fake-o strawberry, with a slightly soapy undertone. How I imagine the aforementioned dollar-store conditioner would taste.
Flavor name guess: Strawberry Salivation
Flavor name for real: Secret Strawberry

Sparkly Orange
Laudably distinct orange flavoring (by which I don't mean that it tastes like oranges, but it does taste like orange Pez). Easily the best flavor.
Flavor name guess: Obsequious Orange
Flavor name for real: Orange Obsession

Dull Red
Hard-to-place sweet, slightly fake-citrusy flavor. Tastes vaguely of lip gloss.
Flavor name guess: Forbidden Passionfruit
Flavor name for real: Tempting Apple

Sparkly Purple
Initial miserable burst reminiscent of grape chewable children's aspirin. I haven't thought of grape chewable children's aspirin in a long time, although it was important in my life (the catalyst for my decision to switch to swallowable pills).
Flavor name guess: Cabernet Kill Me Now
Flavor name for real: Passion Fruit

Suffer

I'm not someone who's picky about her candy flavors--I can, for instance, easily eat an entire bag of regular Conversation Hearts--but the Forbidden Fruit flavors kind of make me want to hurl. I attempted to eat exactly one more than I absolutely needed to for this review, and then I gave up. I can see why they're forbidden, is I guess what I'm saying.

S...messages

The key to a successful theme conversation heart is of course its message. Here is the complete message list, with frequency breakdown, for my box of Edward Cullen Twilight hearts.

BITE ME (7) - Strong start. Calls to mind classic traditional and modern Convo Heart messages (KISS ME, FAX ME) while remaining on-message (i.e. vampirey generally, as well as book-related specifically; Bella would give Edward this heart if she could) and, as an added bonus, insulting anyone who reads it.

U R MY LIFE (3) - I think Edward says this to Bella (I mean, it's written "you are", probably, but the same thought), but even if he doesn't, it shows a book-consistent level of creepiness. Appropriately inappropriate heart to give anyone outside of your own little Twilight book club. And even then.

I <3 EC (10) - (Imagine that's a little heart, not a less-than-three.) Sort of a meta-message, really, although I guess Bella might write this in her notebook.

FORKS (10) - For those of you not "in the know," Forks is the name of the town the story takes place in. It makes no sense that this would be one of the hearts, really, considering that the supposed purpose of conversation hearts is to say important messages you are too frightened and/or candy-mouthed to say yourself. Possibly this is the best heart to secretly slip into a bag of normal conversation hearts.

TRUE LOVE (16)- Slightly generic (isn't this a regular Convo Heart message? But of course the Twilight hearts do get points for setting even these mundane messages in a vampiric copperplate font.)

MY LOVE (9) - Ibid.

I LOVE YOU (6) - I know it's a romance and all, so technically anything romantic is related, but come on.

SOUL MATE (6) - Similar, although I guess they are supposed to canonically be soul mates. They did just meet and have an instant connection with unexplained complementary superpowers and everything. (To be honest, I can see why Edward is Bella's soul mate, but not why Bella is Edward's. Is this weird?)

LIVE 4 EVER - Possibly my favorite message of all, combining admirable book-specificity; txt-733t use of numbers or letters for words; and a complete lack of romantic conversation-building power.

I WANT YOU (8) - Again, slightly general, although, combined with above, could be used to form World War I Hearts! With messages like "SAFE 4 DEMOCRACY" and "LAFAYETTE WE R HERE". Enjoy all-new flavors like Allied Apple and Kaiser Kiwi... I want to make a General Patton Fruit joke here because where else can I make it but I am pretty sure he was World War II. And, clearly, historical accuracy is key in the discussion of hypothetical theme candies.

ALWAYS (13) - Somewhat generic, although a case could be made for its vampire-specificity in light of "LIVE 4 EVER".

I TRUST YOU (9)- I think this refers to specific part in the book where Edward says "Get away from me! I'm dangerous! Being around you makes me want to kill you!" (or similar) and Bella's response is "I trust you." And my response is "WHAT." Anyway, like many scenes in the book it would have been funnier if she had made this communication in conversation heart form.

TRUST ME (5) - Oh ho. Logical, I suppose, considering the above. Actually, though, I don't think Edward ever says this. He knows it isn't warranted.

LAMB (11) - I guess this is because Bella is a lamb to the slaughter, like that deer at the beginning of the movie only that was a deer. Also calls to mind the story of the lion (Edward) laying down with the lamb (Bella). I'm not sure that is specifically mentioned in the book; it is weird that they did a candy heart that speaks to implicit themes! Necco and Sparknotes should definitely team up and produce Literary Analysis Hearts! They zero in on the underlying symbols and motifs you should have noticed if you were a little bit smarter and/or not skimming in the last five minutes before class. Like there could be a Hamlet heart that says "EARS" or a Great Gatsby heart that says "ECKLEBURGER." They help you learn, and they taste great, too! (Mmmm, Ritalin-y!)

In other news, I initially misread this one as "LAME" and thought it was startingly appropriate. (BURN)

DAZZLE (5) - Ah, I see. What Edward's chest and Stephanie Meyer's punctuation choices do. (DOUBLE BURN)

BAD GUY (5) - Variation on the traditional "Bad Boy", but referencing the time Edward says "What if I'm not the hero; what if I'm the bad guy" when they're standing the school cafeteria and she drops that apple. My knowledge of this canon totally negates my burns, doesn't it?

WITH YOU (13) - Bella's insane insistence on being in Edward's company throughout the book makes this seem a little less generic than "I love you," even though I guess it's still kind of a cop-out. Has the added negative of making me sing that Avril Lavigne song while I snack on the hearts, thus completing my transformation to eleven year old girl.