Wuzup God

Wuzup God is a branch of Godspeaks.org aimed at teenagers. It has its own separate website, Wuzupgod.com, and its own teen-oriented sayings. If the definition of "teen-oriented" is "like adult oriented, but peppered with inappropriate slang." Oh yeah, and they replaced all "ing" with "in'."
            Apparently, "wuzup" means "superfluous flash". Instead of writing the sayings as text, as on Godspeaks.org, the Wuzup guys made sixteen different flash animations of the words dancing ridiculously onto the screen. I think they thought it would make the site more in-your-face, or something. Anyway, it's a bad idea, because the explanation text loads before the saying.
            And what explanation text it is! Rather than the boring, long-winded and totally unnecessary explanations of the stupid Godspeaks.org sayings, the Wuzupgod.com explanations are boring, longwinded and HIP TO THE MAX, DAWGG!!
            Lord knows, I'm not hip enough to begin to comprehend a word God says. So to help me with my commentary, I made my own little troubled teen and gave him life with my divine live-giving power. I call him Rebutter of All that God Sez, or "Rags" for short. (Actually, I call him rags because I made him out of rags. The mnemonic came later. Don't tell anyone!!)

	RAGS SEZ: Hey, I dunno, I could be both chillin' AND killin'. That's the beauty of hit men.
	GOD SEZ: "Ever heard of the Ten Commandments? Oh you saw the video?"
	RAGS SEZ: What do you mean? "Oh, you saw the video? WELL YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!" Or do you mean "Oh, you saw the video? Well, I guess that's good enough." Or is it "You saw the video? Me too! I'm not gay or nothin', but that Charlton Heston is one fiiiiine lady."
	GOD SEZ: "Don’t join a gang or even a religion."
	RAGS SEZ: Listen up, kids. This is the first and only time you're gonna hear God tell you not to join a religion. It's called "reverse psychology."
	GOD SEZ: "Start a RELATIONSHIP with Me. And it starts by just rapping with me."
	RAGS SEZ: When I first read this part I thought it said, "It starts by just raping me." And I was like, "I don't know how good a relationship it's gonna be if it starts with rape, but hey, you're the God." And then God was all, "Get away from me, perv!" And I was like "Sorree." But when I tried to rap with him it didn't go much better. God is really bad freestyler. Whenever he can't think of a word to rhyme he just says "God," even if it doesn't rhyme. Sometimes he says "smite". He's like "I'm chillin' in my crib! I'm holdin' Adam's rib! I'm gonna... oh darn... smite!" And I'm all, "Whatever." And he's all "Talk to the hand cause the face ain't gonna listen." And I'm all "Loser." And he's all "Talk to the palm cause I'm the bomb." And I'm all "Bitch."

	RAGS SEZ: Aw, that means you're wicked high, huh?
	GOD SEZ: "If you only knew all the things you are capable of, you'd stop trying to escape reality and take hold of it with both your arms and legs and experience the ride of a lifetime."
	RAGS SEZ: Hey guys, I think he's talkin' about sex.

	GOD SEZ: "Where do you hang?"
	RAGS SEZ: Why are you asking this question?
	GOD SEZ: "I’m asking you this question because I know that where you hang out has a lot to do with who you hang out with- my people or SATAN'S..."
	RAGS SEZ: Ohhh, is that all. I hang out with anarchists. ...Well... Actually, I hang out with other rags. But they're very riotous rags.
	GOD SEZ: "There’s not a rave out there that can give you what you can get when you hang at my crib…now that’s what I call PHAT (Pretty Hot And Tempting)!"
	RAGS SEZ: I don't think God knows that ravers don't say PHAT. Shh! Don't tell him, let's see what else he says. Hopefully something about a booty call.
	GOD SEZ: "When you hang with me you're hanging with the best... No, they won't be perfect. But neither are you."
	RAGS SEZ: Hey! I know I'm made of mismatched calico scraps and I have stitches across my face, but you don't have to rub it in. At least my buttons match.
	GOD SEZ: "That "sin" thing you know. But you'll be stronger and better because of them. You will be all that you can be."
	RAGS SEZ: Where have I heard that before?

	GOD SEZ: "Ever hear how much HATE is sung over the radio waves? I mean really, wuzup with that?"
	RAGS SEZ: Oh, yeah! Remind me to thank God for reminding me something I wanted to point out. Which was that "Wuzup God" is an anagram for "Wuzup Dog!" Too bad there's no second coming now or we could be like "You're the man now, God!" God's not makin' it happen though, I mean really, what the dilly with that?
	GOD SEZ: "There’s no justifying hate…not even if someone has done something totally bogus to you."
	RAGS SEZ: I hate Shock Treatment, because it didn't have Tim Curry, Brad and Janet were played by people who looked nothing like them, it sucked and the songs sucked. I could have forgiven Richard O'Brien for making it if it was just a failed attempt at something else, it didn't have anything to do with Brad and Janet or Rocky Horror at all, but as it is, I hate it. But I think that's totally justified.
	GOD SEZ: "The flower children of the 60s might have been a little spaced out but at least they had the right lyrics. LOVE, PEACE & HAPPINESS that's my rap and that's what I want for you."
	RAGS SEZ: Yeah, they were spaced out cause they had the right shit, man. HIGH, STONED & WASTED that's what they were and that's what you claim to be in one of your previous messages.
	LAURA SEZ: No, that's what you claimed he claimed to be. Get it right.
	RAGS SEZ: Aw, man! Why you gotta come into this? I was doin' fine till you showed up. I thought you were on my side.
	LAURA SEZ: No, you're on my side. I'm in charge here. I made you and I can break you just as easily.
	RAGS SEZ: Whatever.
	LAURA SEZ: Hey! I have pinking shears!
	RAGS SEZ: Eep!

	GOD SEZ: "On the second day I created, among other things, all the plant life that is now on earth. Did I say smoke it? No. Check my word out for yourself (Genesis 1)…nowhere will you find anyone that rolled a fat blunt or packed a pipe and began toking."
	RAGS SEZ: According to my Junior Bible, by the second day, there was no one to smoke. Or toke. Or whatever. There weren't even any living creatures till day four, and people didn't come in till day six. And of course they're not gonna be smokin' up right away. I mean, it's your first day in existence and there's a hot naked chick right in front of you, you're not gonna be like "Gee honey, why don't we while away the hours toking." But I mean that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. You're just saying anything's evil that people didn't do first thing when they were created.
	GOD SEZ: "Through earnest Bible study and heartfelt prayer, you will achieve the kind of rewarding, life affirming high that no drug can ever offer."
	RAGS SEZ: Well... no marketable drug, anyway.

	GOD SEZ: "In case you don't know it, there is nothing casual about sex. Sex is the most intimate and tender physical expression of emotional and spiritual LOVE that can be achieved by a man and a woman."
	RAGS SEZ: Hey, you don't have to worry about me, God... I'm a man of the cloth!!!!
	GOD SEZ: "POP QUIZ: What is the one gift you can only give away once?"
	RAGS SEZ: An embosser. You just try giving that to someone two years in a row.
	GOD SEZ: “Your virginity!”
	RAGS SEZ: Seems to me virginity's kind of a lousy gift. Don't get me wrong. Sex is an awesome gift: it's always appreciated, it doesn't need to be wrapped, and best of all, it's free. Sex answers the age-old question, "What do you get for the man who has everything, on budget of twenty-six cents?"
	LAURA SEZ: I think you're getting a little off-topic, Rags, you're supposed to be talking about virginity.
	RAGS SEZ: Oh... right. Like I was saying, what's so special about virginity, besides it being sex and all? I mean, once someone gives you their virginity, it's not like you have a new virginity. In that case if two virgins had sex they would still be virgins, because they traded virginities. That's just not the way things work. It might be cool though. Another thing that is cool is that I have used the word "virginity" so much that it has now lost all meaning to me.
	GOD SEZ: "Do you want to throw [your virginity] away on someone who could care less about you? Or save it up and give it all to that one special soul-mate that I have created just for you who will make you happier than you ever dreamed possible?"
	RAGS SEZ: Yeah, I'm gonna save up my virginity. Yup. In a jar. I hope when it gets full I get something real cool, like that Hotwheels track with the loop-de-loop with the spider on it, and if the car goes fast enough the spider explodes.
	GOD SEZ: "The only way you'll ever be sure that someone is Mr. or Miss. Right is when they walk down the isle and, in My presence and the presence of other witnesses, promise to love, honor and cherish you till death do you part. Everything else is just a lot of hot air."
	RAGS SEZ: So you're saying dating and getting to know people is a waste of time... during the wedding something just clicks, and you're either like, "This person is right for me," or you're like "This will never work," and you dump them right there. So basically you can pick anyone up off the street and just do the marriage test until you found your soulmate. There would be a lot more marriages in that case and hardly any of them would get through to the end. And since you have to pay the fee anyway, priests would be rakin' in the dough. Then I'd want to be a priest. Scratch that. Minister. I may be a rag doll, but I have desires like any other man.
	GOD SEZ: "P.S. If you have already given your gift away, remember- I am the God of second chances. I can forgive you and declare you pure once again if you'll only PRAY and ask me."
	RAGS SEZ: Oh, so you can give your virginity away more than once? Man, God, I thought since you put it in the blink tag you weren't going to contradict that one. Is nothing sacred?

	GOD SEZ: "[T]he BIBLE is my “hand” book and I want you to take it, grab hold of it, and never let it go."
	RAGS SEZ: Last time I checked, "handbook" didn't mean "book made out of a hand." Unless it's the Necronomicon from Evil Dead II which is bound with human skin, and it has a face on it, but it probably also has a hand somewhere in there.
	GOD SEZ: “I won’t mince words here… I know what is right and what is wrong and I want to share it with you. I want to walk with you, hand in hand, every morning, every evening and every moment in between and show you how you can live a life that is rewarding, uplifting and satisfying. I don’t want to just make you happy…I want to give you inner peace…I want you to experience JOY! If you take my hand, I will strengthen you when you feel weak…especially when others want you to do things that you know I would not approve of. When you’re feeling yanked in the wrong direction, I will give you the power to yank back. Keep yanking back in my direction and you’ll have that JOY in no time at all!”
	RAGS SEZ: YAWWWWNNNN Apparently the definition of "mince" is "not mince."

	GOD SEZ: "When I invented marriage it was supposed to be forever, but I couldn't stop people from being selfish, self centered, and from using one another to satisfy their own needs and desires."
	RAGS SEZ: Oh sure God, you invented marriage. Whatever. I can give you credit for creation, but not for invention. Next you'll be taking credit for library cards and peanut butter.
	GOD SEZ: "I will always be here for you. And you don't have to contact me on the internet. I'm just a PRAYER away. And don't worry about the time... I'm always up and I'll always listen."
	RAGS SEZ: Oh man. I'm tired of having to respond to everything God says! I'm only halfway through the sayings, but I'm stopping for now. I'll finish next week.
	RAGS SEZ: Unlike God, I do have to be contacted on the Internet, and I never listen. But if any cute lady rag dolls out there want to drop me a line, just "log on" to Rags@LanceandEskimo.com. Later, or as God would say "Peace out homey Gs!!!"

Click here to continue to the final eight Wuzup God sayings!