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    Paul's Christmas List

    Yesterday, Nate was like, "My article this week will be my Christmas list, thus avoiding having to write a real article while introducing the miniscule possibility that some Internet crazy will buy me something." Sounds like a good idea to me! I don't want to write an article--writing an article is anathema to me. And I have unshakable faith in the power of internet crazies. If properly harnessed, it could solve world hunger, spawn ninjas, and lead to a proper understanding of the complexities of having sex with a dolphin.

    So here's what I want:

    MAZES AND MONSTERS

    It's ridiculous how much this is clearly Tom Hanks' greatest career role. He stars as a kid who plays a role-playing game called "Mazes and Monsters" and gets sucked into the usual cycle of obsession and despair that generally occurs when Tom Hanks plays a role-playing game. I think Tom wears an elfin cloak and carries a sword in this movie. And yet Saving Private Ryan won an Oscar!

    There is also a kid who wears a different hat in every scene. That is "comic relief".

    This movie is only on VHS, not DVD. That is not acceptable. I want it on DVD. Make it so.

    SOMETHING FROM THE L&E STORE BEFORE IT GOES OUT OF BUSINESS

    CafePress just came up with a new policy where they can shut down a store if it doesn't make a minimum amount of money, so this could be your last chance to get me a Bruce Campbell-approved mug or a T-shirt that says "Laura is stupid. --God."



    TiVO

    I have a friend who works at Best Buy, and, in his off time, works on always smoking a lot of pot. When TiVO came out, he described it as "like TV, but you can watch it whenever you want!" We were like, "You can already do that with TV, dude." But who's laughing now? Him, because he just smoked a lot of pot! Anyway, I want TiVO because sometimes there just isn't a documentary about ancient Egypt on. (The preceding statement is false.)

    BLACK KNIGHT

    I already own this rollicking Martin Lawrence medieval coming-to-maturity story, but it's so good I want two copies. And if you like to laugh, and you don't mind the fact that you are a mental midget, you should get yourself a copy too. And remember: he's about to get medieval -- on you!!

    *

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