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Raka: My Santa

A while ago our good friend Raka who posts frequently on the message board said that if anyone wanted any free Pillsbury products that all they had to do was ask. In his message he said that he would send us a "mittenful of coupons for free cookies and rolls and whatever else I can scrounge up." Well I decided that I would like some coupons and whatever else Raka could scrounge up. What I didn't realize was how much that Raka would scrounge up for me!

I sent him the email quite some time ago and had completely forgotten about the free Pillsbury products. I was surprised yesterday to find that I had received an enormous box in the mail. I wasn't even sure what was going to be inside but it looked interesting. When I opened the box I saw the following letter:

Eh. I'm sleepy and crabby and unemployed, and mostly not in the mood to attempt to convey cleverness to a person whom I know solely due to his own noted cleverness. So with that auspicious beginning, I present this array of... stuff. Yup. My apologies for the tardiness. I attempted to ameliorate the lateness by my special Packaged With Randomness™ technique. Keep or disburse it all as you see fit; I only ask that one grey shirt goes to Lance and the white one to Eskimo. Being fictional is no reason to not get presents. Hope this finds you well, and whatever else one says in such missives. I've never quite had the knack for letters, so I think I'll let it rest now. G'day!


Apologies for the tardiness were not necessary. I was delighted as I rifled through the box to find more stuff than I've ever gotten for any of my birthdays or Christmas. The stuff inside was just random enough for me to want to let everyone in on the joy that was my...

Christmas in July in August
(Pt. 1)

Pillsbury Doughboy Pin

Pillsbury Doughboy Pin

I got two of these in the box. They look more like the type of pin or medal you would earn rather than simply purchase. It makes me wonder if Raka was part of Her Majesty's Flying Doughboys or some such nonsense.

Plans: I'll probably put this on my fishing hat with all of my lures.

Plastic Thing

Plastic Thing

I don't know what the hell this thing is. What's more is that Raka sent me two of them.They look like they might be trailer hitches for Tonka Trucks. But do they even make Tonka Trucks anymore? Who knows?

Plans: To possibly email Raka and ask him what the hell these are. Maybe I'll give them to my landlord for his truck.

Fan Instructions

Fan Instructions

These are the instructions for a fan that I'm assuming Raka has in his window right now. How he uses the damn thing without them is beyond me.

Plans: Maybe I'll give the instructions to Paul since he used to have a ToastMaster™ fan that was really hard to operate. I think you actually had to warm it up before it would go.

Picture of a Wizard

Picture of a Wizard

This one was quickly my favorite. It's a picture of a Wizard hopping on down the Wizard Trail.

Plans: To get a frame for it.

Pillsbury Coupons

Promised Coupons

A thick stack of Pillsbury coupons for FREE Toaster Strudels, Grands! Sweet Rolls, Old El Paso dinner Kits, Progresso Soup, and Grands! Biscuits. And what's more is that they let the cashier know that I am a Pillsbury VIP! Look Mom, I am somebody!

Plans: To use them all and not share them as I am the poorest of the Lance & Eskimo cast and the most likely to go shopping.

Squirtle Candy Dispenser

Squirtle Candy Dispenser

It's like a PEZ dispenser except impossible to figure out. It involves opening a hatch and inserting these little round pokeball candies and then you bend Squirtle over and he picks up the pokeballs and then you try to eat them but they fall in your lap or get crushed by Squirtle.

Plans: Probably give it to Laura who will appreciate its greatness and frustration level.

Raka's Award

Raka's Award

This is an Award for Excellence awarded to our pal Raka by the Pillsbury Corporation "In recognition of work done on the PNA Sales Planning Data Build for the GMI Integration. Great Job!"

Plans: To give it to Paul who will probably hang it proudly in his room next to his poster of Gwen Stefani and map of the Roman Empire.

Better off Dead

Better off Dead

The classic 1985 comedy about a troubled teen who's hilarious attempts at suicide only leave him more miserable than before. I think it is one of many movies from the 80's that features the line: "Aw man... somebody threw out a perfectly good white boy."

Plans: To watch it and then place it between Deathstalker III and Think Big.

Bay Rum Cologne

Burt's Bees Bay Rum Cologne

It's a little sample of Burt's Bees Bay Rum Cologne. It contains "the mellow harmonies of West Indian herbs and spices" and claims to "please the most discerning gentleman [that's me] and his admirers." To me it smells like the end of a long night of drinking. So basically you can convince your admirers that you have just stumbled out of a bar after last call.

Plans: Well, if there are 3 people in the world that are less likely than me to wear cologne it would have to be Paul, Laura and Jacques, so I might actually just wear this to make people think I'm an alcoholic.

Grey T-Shirt

Pillsbury Doughboy T-Shirt

There were 5 of these in the box, that's one for each of the Redcloud Brothers. I must give one to Lance as the condition of my agreement with Raka so that means I can only keep one for myself. I'm wearing it right now. It's comforting to have the Pillsbury Doughboy right over my heart. I feel strangely invincible.

Plans: To distribute them to the rest of the Redcloud Family as ordered.

Medicated Plaster

Chinese Medicated Plasters

Hysan Hua Tuo Medicated Plasters. These soothing plasters can be used for temporary relief of minor aches and pains of muscles and joints. I would be suspicious of this remedy but the American Guy on the box that's dressed up like a Chinese Man looks like he knows what he's doing.

Plans: I'll probably give this to Laura because she likes the Japanese and the Chinese are almost Japanese... right?

Next Week

It's hard to believe but there's a lot more stuff that Raka gave me, so I'll have to finish talking about it all next week. I told you it was better than Christmas!

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