The Onion | America's Finest News Source
Something occurred to me recently. In L&E.com’s attempt to raise the hit count to our site, we’ve actually been writing evocative, mesmerizing content and engaging with our readers’s needs and interests (at least Nate, Paul, and Laura have). But now, it’s time for people to embrace us for what we are. Lazy.
As such, something occurred to me. Why waste so much time on the "technical" aspects of our site when we are so obviously not suited for such endeavors. Of course, we could just adjust the title and content of our main page and put such words as "humor" or "parody" or "satire" in it. But who searches for such things? Most people who come across our site (indeed, our most loyal fan base), are simply fans of Dragonlance and Eskimos. "Humor" in itself is all so boring. Our demographic is a very specific one; the third most popular search term for our site, of course, being: Hawaii Steak Elves.
But, looking for humor sites on the web, I came across one that seems to pick up a lot of hits and it had something to do with onions. It was called "theonion.com". Although we ourselves are not at all funny (Lance and Eskimo actually started out as an inconspicuous way to bet on dog races over the Internet), I quickly realized that all we had to do to increase traffic to the site would simply be to murder The Onion and usurp its identity.
The first step in my plan was to repeatedly watch the movie The Talented Mr Ripley. This step failed miserably.
My next step was to slowly incorporate as many onion keywords as I could into this article, such as "onion" and "onions" and "the".
I remember once seeing commercials for a "made for TV" movie in which a computer virus was actually able to spread itself and kill people over the computer. This got me to thinking, and the L&E "fun-virus" was born. Now, if anyone at The Onion happens to be having sex with their computer at the time of our L&E virus submission, they will be completely and utterly neutralized, paving the way for our L&E counterpart to simply slip in and take over.
In case this virus gets out of hand though, we’re taking certain precautions in warning our loyal readers to deftly avoid it. The subject heading for the L&E "fun-virus" will be either "Subject: This is not a virus" or "Subject: Read all about Heinrich Schliemann, discoverer of Troy!"; do not open the attachment "openme.vir". And whatever you do, do not engage in any manner of sexual relations or contact with your computer until you have completely cleansed this virus from your hard drive! If it becomes necessary, for the moment try to limit yourself to heavy petting.
Now, aside from homicide, it’s utterly obvious that in order to outdo The Onion, we must find a way to step above them. That is why I began to formulate a method of printing out our articles on actual onions and setting up a subscription platform by which they may be delivered to our subscribers’s homes each and every week. A tentative lineup formed in my mind. My article would be on the third layer. "Fashion" the fourth layer. "Out & About Town" the fifth. "Gay [as in "happy"] Night Life" the sixth. "Gay [as in "gay"] Night Life" the seventh. Etc... And dancing trolls would be at the center of the onion itself to read off basketball scores.
I rubbed my hands together in preparation of doing nothing. Soon, The Onion would be doing all the work for me as we become it!
But then, I came to a shocking realization about "The Onion". Examining their site for a moment, something immediately struck me... Their articles are all lies!!! They’re all so "humorous" because they just make them up! This stuff never happened! George Bush was never molested by a small dog named Wishbone who travels through space and time by the power of his imagination!!! Donald Duck does not have herpes or conjunctivitis!!! Where’s their integrity? Of course they can come up with humorous content every week or so if they just make it up!!!
My illusions were shattered! What is Lance and Eskimo to do? We can’t possibly compete with such bastards. We’re simply not inventive enough to just make things up. It’s obvious that the death of humor is at hand here.
Suddenly, I realized that there’s nothing at all funny about dishonesty.
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