Conversation Heart Messages
You know those little heart candies you get at Valentine's Day with little messages that say things along the lines of "I LOVE YOU"? I guess you're supposed to give them to people you love, I don't know. Anyway, I know it's after Valentine's Day, but looking at those tiny half-price candies, I knew there was worlds of material there. Plus, I haven't updated in a long time. So here goes.
Orange: sweet, non-specific fruit flavor. Amount of imagination required to make this orange-flavored: 74%. Very good.
Yellow: banana. the only flavor I got right off the bat, having had experience with jelly belly artificial banana. Darn good.
Green: Flavor unknown. Neither minty nor particularly fruity. Good.
White: Slightly less minty than dry toothpaste. Kinda good.
Pink: possibly bubblegum flavored. Middling quality.
Purple: grape, but not in a good way. the only thing that saves it from being as bad as grape chewable kids' tylenol is the fact that there's not that much flavor to begin with, so it can't be that bad. Kinda bad.
I've divided the messages into categories. Today: Nouns, Adjectives, Statements; next time, you'll get Commands, Modernisms, Pictures, Puzzling, and Miscellaneous.
SURE LOVE, REAL LOVE, TRUE LOVE, MY LOVE Love, love, love! What is this, a god damn love factory? We're talking about vaguely inedible candy here! But I suppose in the spirit of Valentine's Day, or the weeks and months following in which the candy prices are SLASHED, I can accept an even relish the romantic ideals of the candy industry. Bring me your candy hearts! Bring me the phrases of the world of romance, common or otherwise, bring me the pet names and lofty statements, acceptances and rejections, compliments and puzzling two-word sentences that encompass a world of human emotion. Bring me all of this, stamped illegibly on low-quality yet addictive pastel hearts, in five indistinct flavors, which beckon you to eat more and more, even though all the while they're eating and eating away the inside of your mouth. Bring it to me! For I am the prophet who has been chosen, driven by idleness of spirit and resistence to getting real work done, chosen to lead to world to think just a little bit more about annual lumps of vile-flavored sugar substance.
AMORE This is the only multi-lingual heart. Like Italian is more romantic than any other language. I dunno, some chicks dig French. And wouldn't it be cool to see the Chinese character for love stamped on a heart? But I bet it would be expensive. Maybe.
LOVER BOY and DREAM GIRL This is a strange world we're entering here, where boys are regarded as lovers and girls as dreams. A world where there are love-starved boys a-plenty, whose hot advances are everday occurences, where you can't turn a corner without finding a boy who will compare your likeness to a summer's day; but where girls (apparently) are scarce, and to find one is so magical and rare as to be dreamlike. Whether a good dream or nightmare is up to you, I suppose.
MY MAN and MY GIRL Apparently in this world it is also socially acceptable to own a man and a girl. Ha ha! Good luck finding one!
MY BABY I think it would be more romantic to say "our baby". But that's just me.
SWEET TALK This is kind of a lame cop-out. I know I want sweet talk. That's why I bought the god damn hearts. It's like writing "Witty Paradox" on an Oscar Wilde heart.
CUTIE PIE It's nice that having lowered themselves once into the world of cutesy "schnoogums"-quality pet names, they never again return to that well. Reading heart after heart of "honey sweet" and "cutie patootie" would wear thin after awhile. But they didn't do that.
COOL DUDE I have been known to say both of these words, but somehow, together, it's just trying too hard. It's like if you ask a girl out, and she says "Cool dude," you know she's one of those nerdy girls who has absolutely no idea how to really be cool. Except you knew that already because of the glasses. It's okay though because as soon as you take them off, let her hair down, and put her in a different set of clothes, she will be the hottest girl on network TV. But then she will dump you.
ROMEO I don't like hearts with names on them. You can't give this to anyone but someone named Romeo and, let's face it, how many kids are names Romeo these days?
ANGEL Same deal as Romeo, but there are actual people called Angel. And that David Boreanaz, whoo. You know he's in a movie called Valentine. And these are Valentine candies. Spooky!
I want to be one of those people who writes these messages. It would be so much fun! Here are some nouns I might have included:
HOW SWEET Do I detect a hint of sarcasm here? You say "How sweet" when you're watching a couple in love and you're bitter because you have no love, or else when someone is talking about how their boyfriend proposed to them with a keyring, in which case you say it's a choice between "How sweet" and "Oewkaaaaaaay."
I WILL Is it just me, or is your immediate assumption that it's an agreement for sexual favors? In a cross-examination the Necco company said, "It's a response to 'Will you be my Valentine?' You have a dirty, dirty mind!" But it's not our fault that as a race, when presented with a spotty situation, we fill in the gaps with sex. I think there should be more like this: things like "AND HOW!" or "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID" or "IN CASE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, I'LL BE IN THE BEDROOM".
URA 10 Once I figured out that the letters U, R, A meants "You're a," and "10" referred to the Olympic convention of rating athletes from a system of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, this heart revealed itself as-- kinda... lame... There's gotta be another explanation.
IT'S LOVE No, it's Jace. Oh, no, hey, you're right! Love looked like Jace from the back.
HI LOVE Hi! I almost didn't recognize you with the haircut... ahh... never mind.
LET IT BE Now see, this is one of the ones where you really need to know the preceding conversation to know what the hell they're talking about. That, or you have to think about the Beatles song, and then you're like, "Well, that's not very Valentiney."
I'M SURE I'm not sure what this means. "I'm sure" can be used in many non-love situations, more than love situations. It's like making a heart that says "OKAY" or "I THINK SO." Sure, it could be used in response to a romantic advance, but this is not its primary function.
I DO In my wedding, not only will there be a pirate cake, but instead of saying "I do," we will both cough semi-digested "I DO" Conversation Hearts into the preacher's outstretched hand, while he looks on with a slightly disgusted look on his face, like how Mr. Feeney looked when Shawn was going to marry Topanga.
COOL It disappoints me that this is the only adjective. You'd think if they were going into descriptions of the object of love, they could include more. Like CUTE or PRETTY or DASHING, KIND TO ANIMALS, BOSOMY, RICH, OF GOOD BREEDING, HANDSOMELY ACOUTED, for example.
The exciting conclusion to this commentary can be found here.