Conversation Heart Messages Part II

The saga continues. If you have not yet seen it, please visit my last column, Conversation Heart Messages Part I.

Commands

KISS ME Your basic candy heart command. Two problems arise, which apply to all candy heart commands: 1. You probably aren't going to read the heart before you give it to someone, so you might be telling someone to kiss you who you really don't want to kiss you; and 2., people are going to figure you didn't read it or care what it said, so if you give someone a "kiss me" heart, chances are they aren't going to kiss you (that is, if they weren't going to anyway.)
HUG ME Like you're going to be too embarrassed to ask for a hug, so you have to ask for it via candy heart. Not!!! This is why you really need candy hearts that say "MAKE SWEET LOVE TO ME." That's not something you can just ask for.
LOVE HER I have to wonder how often a situation is going to come up that you need to tell someone to love someone else, particularly by way of a candy heart. And who is she, anyway? We don't know. It doesn't say.
LOVE HIM Same deal.
LOVE YOU The logical interpretation of this is "I love you," but since there's no subject, we have to assume "you." "You love you." A nice way to boost self-esteem.
BE TRUE "You know, I was going to cheat on you, but this stamped confection lump just melts my heart."
LOVE ME "Y'know, I wasn't going to love you, but..."
MISS ME Same deal. And, hey, where are you going?
ASK ME Ask me what? Maybe that's the question...
LET'S KISS Not so much a command as a suggestion. I included it here anyway.
MARRY ME I'd like to see the chump who's proposing with a conversation heart. The neat thing is that each bag comes with more than one. I'm glad to see that polygamy is OK by the Necco company!
GET REAL! This is kind of a mean response to "Will you go out with me?", something like "As if!" But my feeling is, if you're callous enough to give this response, why give it as a conversation heart? And you're giving candy to the person as you shoot them down. Feels like a mixed message to me.
BE GOOD This is the candy heart you give to your dog before you go out to the Valentine's Ball. Unfortunately, it poisons him.
SMILE You would think the joy of love is enough cause to smile. If you have to tell the object of your heart-giving to smile, there must be something wrong. In the realm of cheer-up hearts, I personally would prefer to receive something tough like "BRACE UP" or "BE STRONG".

Miscellaneous

FOR YOU I think she got the point the conversation heart was for her when you gave it to her, darlin.
ONLY YOU Now this is sweet. The cute thing is that there was only one of these in the whole bag. No... wait, here's another one. Damn.
UR KIND What about my kind? I don't like these hearts making wild generalizations about any groups I may or may not be affiliated with. I am an INDIVIDUALLLLLLLL!
TIME OUT Ooh, cold. I don't really like these anti-romantic sentiments. You don't give candy hearts to someone you want to break up with, and if you do, I don't think the three "TIME OUT" candies will bring the point home. They should have break-up hearts, or anti-love hearts, if they want to say things like that. And then they could have messages like "THAT BITCH" and "MEN SUCK."
YES DEAR I don't like the tone of this one. It seems sarcastic somehow. "Yes, dear. Of course, dear. You're very smart, dear."
ALL MINE Kind of a selfish statement. "You're mine, all mine!" One of a few conversation hearts designed to get you bitch-slapped. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Modern

GOT LOVE Oh, ha ha. A clever spin on the old milk slogan. The thing is, milk was using the "Got ...?" slogan to advertise and promote milk. I don't think love really needs advertising. Demand is already above supply. It's not that people don't look for it. It just needs to be better stocked. This is the fault of the storekeepers, not the buyers. You have to find the root of the problem before you can get results!
AS IF I can't discuss this. Me and Rory promised not to use this phrase until 2003.
E MAIL What's romantic about e-mail? You'd think e-mail would be the least romantic way to contact your potential significant other, except for instant messenger.
FAX ME Well, they succeeded in finding something less romantic than IM.
PAGE ME God damn it! Must you always defy me, Necco?!
GO GIRL Used to cheer someone on whether they be marching up to the apple of their eye to ask for a date, or going to dump them. And on Valentine's day no less! No, you know what? You don't go. Don't go because you'll regret it, girl!
LOVE 2001 Because 2001 is gonna be a big year for love. Right now, Our President is signing a new amendment to the constitution that requires everyone to fill a quota of making out with at least two different people per annum.
2000 HUGS Judging from "Love 2001", I figure this is a reference to the year 2000. The Year of the Hugs.
TLC Sweet! Someone is immortalizing T-boz, Left Eye, and... the other one. They are finally queens of Valentine's sentiment as they were born to be!
WHATEVER Finally, someone is pandering to the apathetic attitudes of today's 90s 2000s youth! We don't care about love and romance. We just sit around all day drinking frothy, frothy java lattes. "Be mine?" listlessly questions one beturtlenecked, yellow-spectacled lad, his hair gelled to a point which juts out in front of his head. The young lady beside him, whose baby-blue bra straps show beneath her tank top, barely glances at him as she nurses a giant coffee-mug and sinks deeper into the overstuffed couch. "Whatever."

Pictures

[happy face] This refers to the look on your face when the cute person asks you out.
[peace sign] And this refers to the sixties or "free love" period of history. It is the Necco company's secret desire to use its candy hearts to reignite the flames of rebellion in the hearts of today's youth. Parents beware! These little heart-shaped morsels are bringing a new day to America, one where kids have sex a lot, and some people have long hair.

Puzzling

MY WAY This is creepy. It's like the conversation heart you give to a girl right before you rape her. Or right before you are Patrick Swayze.
MUCH ADO "Come on," Susan implored. "Just sit with her ten minutes. She really likes you." "All right, all right." Jared rolled his eyes. Susan wasn't going to give up on this. She and Andre had been trying to get Jared and Rose-Mischief together for months. They just didn't seem to understand that Jared and Rose-Mischief were totally incompatable--always at each other's throats. The slightest thing could set them off in fits of rage at one another. As Andre pushed Rose-Mischief toward the table, Jared decided Susan was probably lying. Rose-Mischief didn't like Jared anymore than Jared liked her. But Susan and Andre meant well. Rose-Mischief smiled falesely at Jared. "I suppose you'd like me to sit with you." Andre had used the same lie as Susan to get them to sit together. Slyly Jared reached into his bag of conversation hearts. He had just the right conversation heart for this situation.

I've finally covered every single message I found in my bag of Necco Sweethearts. If anyone out there is interested, I'd be glad to engage in some intelligent heart-candy discourse, possibly on the message board. Ciao!

- Laura