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Laura and Nick's Prom Adventure, Part I

For some students, high school is a golden age. (Those students are dumb.) For others--the nerds, the geeks, the punk-rockers, and the gays--high school can be, um, not as good. A silver age at best.

      The prom is the time when all students get to dress in fancy clothes and dance and pretend they liked one another in high school. Popular girls and nerd girls alike will meet on the expensive-looking floor in their shimmery gowns and tiaras and bouquets of roses and those sceptres that kings have and various sashes and exclaim, "Oh! --You! You look great in that dress." (Translation: "You look like a slut in everything else.") "I'm really going to miss you." (Translation: "I wouldn't miss you with a shotgun.") "Have a great summer." (Translation: "Cause you'll be pumping gas the rest of your life.")

      But how do these nerds get into a position to treat their more popular compatriots with equal contempt? Some of them are the subject of bets, where two confirmed old bachelors (read: budding gay hairdressers) decide to prove their skills by turning the school's biggest nerd into a really cute dumb girl. (This is a process known by the borg as "assimilation".)

      This happened to us twice last week. First, Rex Harrison came up to Laura and sang something about how she was a prisoner of the gutters due to her lack of dress sense and obsession with the fantastical worlds of J.R.R. Tolkein. Then, Freddie Prinze Jr. just happened to be walking around school and helped Grateful Dead-wannabe, punk-rock-loving, mild-concussion-having Nick up from the stairs when he fell. Both men happened to decide to make beautiful princesses out of their charges, even though, like, everyone knows Freddie's with Sarah Michelle.

Before the transformation, nerdy Laura tries to teach her metalhead boyfriend to read.

      Consider the photo evidence: here's Nick and Laura before their transformation:

Nerdy Laura Rock'n'rollin' Nick
Above: Laura, current ex-nerd, before her encounter with Lerner & Loebe legend Rex Harrison; Right: Nick, current ex-dumb heavy metal guy, before his fateful non-sexual rendez-vous with teen heartthrob Freddie Prinze Jr.

      After a whirlwind week of shopping, make-up lessons, phonetics practice, walking with books on their heads, learning to eat with their mouths shut, drinking raw eggs, running through Philadelphia, and tons of plastic surgery, Laura and Nick came out looking like this:

Prom Picture Prom Picture 2

Laura and Nick looking nice in front of some rose bushes.

      Good job, guys.

FREDDIE SEZ: "He really cleaned up well."
REX SEZ: "I did it, I did it. I said to them I'd do it and indeed I did!"
Prom Picture
Even after the makeover, Laura and Nick are still themselves: ugly and feeble-minded.

      Check out the second installment of this adventure, the actual minutes of the prom. A mind-numbing thriller. Well, mind-numbing. Don't miss it!



- Laura