My Future Wedding

You may have noticed that I’ve been pretty girly lately. Last week I made a chart about a "boy" I "like". The week before, a Kermit the Frog song about rainbows. Kermit the Frog and rainbows, there’s two things that would make the Top Ten list of things girls like. Boys would be on there too, but they wouldn’t be as high on the list as Weddings. Chicks love weddings.
            In honor of being a chick, this piece is about my future wedding. In typical girl fashion, I have a few very particular specifications about my future wedding, but I haven’t given a damn thought to who it is I’ll be marrying. Who knows? It could be you! (Imagine me saying that with a flashlight turned on under my chin. Then I laugh maniacally and you say, "Stop it Laura. You’re scaring me.")
            Okay, here goes. Specifications for my wedding.

The Invitations Everyone who is invited to my wedding will receive a formal invitation with the time, place, etc. Included in the invitation will be two slips of paper: one, directions to the place of the wedding; two, a piece of paper describing how that person must act for the duration of the wedding. It’ll be a quirk, sort of like the game "Party Quirks" on Whose Line Is It Anyway? Each person invited will get one, and they will have to do it for the whole wedding.
            For example, one person might have to speak only in monosyllables, or use a lot of outdated slang, or have some kind of accent. Someone might have to be a stereotypical sensei type, calling everyone "grasshoppeh" and trying to make them grab the stone from their hand. For someone else it might be "Opposite Day" and they have to say no for yes and yes for no and the like. Someone might have to be an action hero and speak in catch phrases and clever one-liners.
            Difficulty of the quirk will be given based on the individual invitee. Some similar or complimentary quirks will be given to couples, for example, one couple might have to play "Good Cop, Bad Cop," and another might have to huddle and confer about everything.
            All of this will add to the general confusion that will be my wedding.

The Dress Code Some of the quirks lend themselves to styles of dress. For example, the person whose quirk is "act shifty" will have to wear a bulky coat and try to steal the silverwear when no one’s looking; and the person who has to play Dracula will have to wear one of those high-collared capes lined with blood-colored satin. Since nobody has to guess what your quirk is, like in the game, it’s okay to wear things that will tip off what you are. If your quirk doesn’t lend itself to any particular style of dress, you can wear any random costume. I want my wedding to be that place where you have an excuse to wear something you normally don’t get to wear, like a shimmery evening gown or a bear suit.

The Cake I want one of those classic seven-tiered wedding cakes with the little plastic married couple at the top. Only the couple… ARE PIRATES!!! Also, there are plastic pirates climbing up the side of the cake with knives in their mouths and stuff, trying to get to the seventh layer where the couple is, so they can kill them. Also, there are cannon holes through the cake. **If any invitee really can’t think of what to wear, they can go with this theme and dress up like a pirate. There will be people in all sorts of wacky costumes at my wedding, but I think it would be nice if there were predominantly pirates.

The Preacher Having no particular affiliation with any religion, I feel it wise to dispense with all the usual religious leaders and be married by someone else altogether. They say anyone can become certified to perform marriages online, so it’s anyone’s game. Here are some of my ideas for people to marry me and my mystery sweetie:

• Minor TV celebrities, with a fame level of, say, a Hollywood Squares contestant or a Saturday Night Live actor. Of course there are some minor celebrities that I would be partial to, like an actor from Boy Meets World, Gary Coleman, or the Barbarian Brothers.
• My friend, Rory
• Myself, so I could jump back and forth between the pulpit and my position as bride
• A troop of midgets, each of whom says the next word in the sentence-- "Do" "you" "take" "this"… etc. And, when they are not required to talk, they kick each other constantly.
• A life-size paper cutout of Austin Powers, with someone standing behind it performing the service with a terrible Austin Powers impression. Preferably the disturbing twelve-year-old boy from the Boogie Ball commercial who says, "You turn me on, baby."
• An infant, or, a baby--whichever you prefer
• A manta ray

The Saying of "I Do" I have already mentioned this in my Conversation Heart Messages piece. Here is what I said: "Instead of saying ‘I do,’ we will both cough semi-digested ‘I DO’ Conversation Hearts into the preacher's outstretched hand, while he looks on with a slightly disgusted look on his face, like how Mr. Feeney looked when Shawn was going to marry Topanga."

The Rings It's my opinion that a wedding ring should be more than just a symbol of unity. It should have some additional use. Like a mood ring, which tells you your mood. This is important! Or maybe a secret decoder ring, so my spouse and I can send each other coded messages. Or a ring with a cyanide capsule in it.

These are all the things I’ve thought of so far for my wedding. I may update this piece if I come up with something new; if so, I’ll alert everyone in the message board. In the meantime, if you were born within a few years of 1985 and this image of the utopian wedding appeals to you, you better start thinking of a really funny way to propose…

Check out Raka's proposal!