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    Attack of the Lucases

    Some Much-Needed Help for George Lucas

    by Nick

    The release of the title of Star Wars: Episode II has sparked a flurry of debate. The title, "Attack of the Clones," is nearly enough to make Star Wars fans lose all hope. After all, Episode I was about as successful a sequel as The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride. It, too, was unfortunately titled. I mean, the Phantom Menace? Who the hell are they talking about? Darth Maul? He’s not even very important to the plot, and, if I may say so, not terribly phantom either. The plot revolves around the fight with the trade federation, whose weapons are as follows: a good million non-phantom robots, a fleet of non-cloaking spacecraft, a handful of fully corporeal officers, and a space station so unconcealed that a small, badly-acted six-year-old can infiltrate it and blow it to pieces with little trouble. Thus, serious doubt as to the overall quality of the new film I don’t know how to finish this sentence.

    We’d all really like to see a truly great movie come of this. I’d also like a sex-robot in the shape of Jennifer Anniston. Let’s be realistic, folks. Attack of the Clones hasn’t a hope in the world of being as brilliant, moving, character-driven and in other ways "good" as the first movies, or Lance and Eskimo go Greek. So, now we need to figure out how to salvage an admittedly bad film, so that Star Wars fans can at least have an okay time at the movie theater. Thus, I submit that it might be possible to imbue the movie with the same loveable, amusing "badness" that made such movies as Legally Blonde thoroughly enjoyable. With the right amount of over-the-top idiosyncrasies and poor directing decisions, the movie might actually be fun to watch. I therefore strongly suggest the following for George Lucas’ consideration.

    1.The opening paragraphs that fade into the distance are a staple of Star Wars movies. But, if Star Wars: Episode I is any indication, any writer who is in any way decent has been officially banned from Star Wars production. The best we can hope for in the new movie is a completely dull and unengaging paragraph with few spelling errors. Therefore we should do the worst thing, and write a paragraph full of amusing Hollywood teasers and "comic book" banter. Consider this: "The kingdom of Naboo, led by the devilishly sexy Queen Amidalla, has just beaten the dastardly Trade Federation in an amazing battle, with a little help from her friends. Everything is just fine now. But watch out! Senator Palpatine has begun cloning the earth-shatteringly annoying Jar-Jar Binks and is releasing his fiendish minions on the unsuspecting galaxy! Also, young Anakin Skywalker’s training is going along fine...for now! Who knows what could happen next?!"

    2.In the remake disaster Planet of the Apes, characters said lines that appeared in the first movie, only slightly altered and said by different people. For example, "get your damn paws off me you damn dirty ape!" said by Charlton Heston became "get your damn hands off me you damn dirty human!" said by an ape. Attack of the Clones should follow suit:

    Ewan McGregor to young Anakin Skywalker: "Use the force, Anakin!"

    Queen Amidala to Ewan McGregor: "Ewan, I am your mother!"

    Yoda to Samuel L. Jackson: "That pizza is our last one." Samuel L. Jackson to Yoda: "No. There is another."

    Anakin to pit droid: "Do or do not; aye, there’s the rub."

    Yoda to himself: "Me so hungry!"

    Senator Palpatine to young Chewbacca: "Get your damn hands off me, you damn dirty ape!"

    3.Anakin Skywalker was widely reviled as perhaps the worst part of the lamentable Phantom Menace. By contrast, the title character in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone became an instant star and beloved icon despite a mediocre script. My solution: write a series of books based on the life of Anakin Skywalker. Hold on. That’s been done. Only nerds read them. Well, aside from the books, I think three main factors contributed to Harry Potter’s success:

    • Harry Potter is a wizard, and has all these cool magical abilities which make him really interesting. All Anakin can do is podrace, which takes an hour to set up and two years to film. Giving him special magical powers would make him much more interesting. When asked how he got them, he’d say simply, "my midichlorians taught me!"
    • Harry Potter is cute. Anakin is butt ugly and always will be, but he could be a lot cooler with horn-rimmed glasses and a lightning scar.
    • Harry Potter has an English accent, as do all the people around him. I remember when I watched Harry Potter, I was riveted to my seat, anticipating each new scene. I kept thinking, "I hope Harry gets in trouble again, and that lady says 'Hahrry Pottah!' again!" Anakin couldn’t plausibly adopt an English accent, but other characters should be introduced, such as headmasters, who scold him thusly; "young Skaywoulkah!"

    4.TV shows like Ally McBeal have managed to keep their audiences interested long after their writing began to suck, with a constant influx of guest stars. George Lucas is no stranger to cameos himself, putting himself in every movie he’s made. Lucas could therefore really punch up Attack of the Clones by giving cameos to the following: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Jon Bon Jovi, Jennifer Anniston, James Van Der Beek, Rosie O’Donell as Trade Federation empress, mini-me as an ewok and special musical guest Jay-Z featuring R. Kelly. (They’re teaming up and doing an album together!)

    5.George Lucas should change the movie’s name. Attack of the Clones should be Attack of the Clones!.

    *

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