Waiting in a Parking Lot: A Screenplay
I’m sure we’ve all experienced it. "Wait here, I’ll be back in a moment I
just need to get a few things" "I’m back and its half an hour later. Hey...
don’t look at me like that... NOOOO!" I’ve just endured such a situation and
met some interesting characters along the way. Well I dare not say met that
would imply I spoke to people in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I don’t go for
that. Rather I stared at some interesting people from the safety of a car
window. The only interesting person involved in this story I didn’t actually
meet is Thomas Harris’ timeless character Hannibal Lecter from the "Silence
of the Lambs" series which I love almost as much as "Interview with the
Vampire" Just so Mr. Harris knows if he’s reading this I don’t profit at all
from using your character. Those bags with dollar signs on them are full of
sausage and broken glass.
Setting: My town’s Wal-Mart and the parking lot outside at night.
Personae Cinematique
Me
A tall nineteen year old who weighs approximately 130 pounds, has very light
facial hair and is pale as fawk. I wore a green Hawaiian shirt and black
jeans. I wore my long brown hair in a pony tail.
Hannibal Lecter
Ever the gentleman doctor Lecter is played by Anthony Hopkins and garbed in
the finest Armani suit and an Italian style hat as in "Hannibal"
Guy who buys ice
A man with very well tanned skin looking to be about thirty. He wore a green
shirt and khaki pants and had dark facial hair cut fairly short , somewhere
between stubble and a full beard. He looked to be perhaps of Indian descent
and had short curly hair.
Woman who rode cart
A young woman in a blue shirt and capris with long flowing blonde hair who
rode a cart
Woman who rode a cart the wrong way
A dumbass.
Man and woman in the other car next to me
Shadowy figures sitting in an equally shadowy car. I can imagine they were
husband and wife and I think the man may have worn glasses
Rachael
My best friend’s sister who likes to dress liberally and pierce herself and
shop. A lot. No really a whole lot.
And now on to the script!
Me: ( looking at non-existent watch ) My it certainly has been a long time.
Man and woman in the other car next to me: It sure has.
Me: Hey why are you talking to me I don’t even know you.
Man and woman in the other car next to me: True enough but you must feel our pain.
Me: Indeed I do for it is mine as well.
Man and woman in the other car next to me: We had figured as much, whom do
you wait for kind sir?
Me, aside to audience: In jest I wait for my bait but of a truth I do wait
for my line to be tugged by a mad man who kills and eats those who terry too
long within stores, the fiendish Hannibal Lecter!
Woman who rode cart: Weee! (She stops and hops off beginning to unload her
groceries after her moment of levity)
Me: My, how happy she looks. It is those like her I must protect, though I
doubt she would be the type to stay in a store too long.
Woman who rode cart wrong: ( She bends over the cart at a perfect ninety
degree angle, clearly a suggestive position, as her boyfriend pushes it
straight through a well lit public place, his crotch just about touching her
buttocks )
Man who bought ice: ( Unloading myriad bags of ice from his cart to the back
of a green SUV, a clear sign of evil ) My I sure have a lot of ice.
Me: ( approaching ) And what would you plan upon doing with such a quantity
of solidified water hm?
Man who bought ice: Why what one would normally do with ice sir. I will but
to keep my beverages cold and perhaps make mixed drinks.
Me: Are you having a party?
Man who bought ice: Um Yes, yes I am.
Me: For what reason? Who has been invited? Why was I not invited? Will there
be punch and pie? Is it BYOB?
Man who bought ice: Please no more questions I know not!
Me: Thou wretched cur! The only party you are having is a party of falsity!
Now, the truth if you please, what fell purpose does this ice have?
Man who bought ice: A man paid me to go pick it up for him please don’t
arrest me!
Me, aside to audience: Such a quantity of ice could only be used to chill a
body while butchering it and cooking!
Me: Where is this man?
Man who bought ice: Why, over there sir.
Hannibal Lecter: (Runs into the Wal-Mart, dropping a package with the Man
and woman in the other car next to me )
Me: I shall give chase! ( Looking to the Man and woman in the other car next
to me ) Hold, what is this!?
Man and woman in the other car next to me: It appears to be a doggy bag. (
They open it ) My what a jolly fellow it is a meat platter!
Me: Sir, Madam, I believe those are the remains of your vehicle’s third
occupant who has kept you waiting too long and thus drawn Hannibal’s wrath.
I’m so very sorry.
Man and woman in the other car next to me: No worries, they were in the
store too long anyways, bye. (they drive off happily snacking on the platter
)
Me, aside to audience: Now there is but one course, Lecter will surely go
after Rachael for she has been in Wal-Mart for quite some time whilst I
feigned waiting for her. Now is the time for justice! (Charges into the
store, the stupid fans tussling my hair )
Hannibal Lecter: (Drawing scalpel ) I must admit Rachael, I’m giving very
serious thought... to eating your liver.
Rachael: (Oblivious) Ok. Hey look new clothes!
Me: Noooo !
( I tackle Lecter to the ground just as he goes to strike and we roll about
in actioniferous style for approximately five and a half minutes. Finally I
rise wiping some blood from a busted lip )
Me: I see your skills have not been detracted from by a poor diet.
Hannibal Lecter: Good food is hard to find, I only enjoy the meat of the
rude.
Me: No wonder you were after her.
Hannibal Lecter: Well are you going to arrest me now?
Me: I’m not even a cop I just happen to have taken on that role for
theatrical purposes. Come to think of it I despise police and all other
authority figures so how about I just let you eat Rachael then call the cops
so you can eat their faces?
Hannibal Lecter: Sounds fine to me.
Me: There’s only one thing I don’t understand…
Hannibal Lecter: What might that be?
Me: Why have you taken to killing those who stay in the store too long?
Hannibal Lecter: Because it’s damned well annoying.
THE END
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