Q&A with Bette Midler’s dog

I met Bette Midler’s dog at a French cafe somewhere near the Midler compound, full of questions. This was my first encounter with Bette Midler’s dog, so there was a certain degree of anxiety. I was hurriedly led to our table, apologizing for my delay; traffic had been backed up for miles. But from the moment I sat down, he put me totally at ease. I chatted for a while on the stagnant economy and the state of affairs in the entertainment industry as a whole. He listened attentively, examining me with his soft brown, intelligent eyes as I spoke. His tail seemed to wag knowingly. There was something very worldly about him.

I ordered an espresso, but Bette Midler’s dog seemed uninterested in beverages. Those numerous projects of his must have been floating through his mind at that very moment. I’d often heard stories of his passive temperament and now, I thought to myself, I’m experiencing it firsthand.

God is watching us... from a distance.

Bette Midler’s dog struck me as a consummate listener. An obvious leader and mentor. Upon the arrival of my espresso, I began the interview. I had many questions on my mind, and I was excited about getting started.

Brother Jacques: First off, I’d like to say what an honor it is to meet you. I’ve heard so many things, but now it’s an extreme pleasure to get to know you in person. There are many questions right now that spring to my mind, so you’ll forgive me if it takes a while to start up. I was wondering a bit about your early years with Bette Midler actually.

Bette Midler’s Dog: Woof!

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: I’d like to see that question focused a bit more. That’s a pretty broad topic.

Brother Jacques: Okay... Maybe you could tell me a bit about your earlier years following Bette Midler around. Was she a wild girl in those years? What was she really like back then?

Bette Midler’s Dog: Woof! Woof!

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: I don’t think that question really does justice to the topic. It’s prompting a response that would obviously appear sensationalistic however it’s answered. I think it’s best if we just skip this topic and move on.

Brother Jacques: Was Bette Midler’s weight ever really an issue on or off the set during the filming of Ruthless People? And her 1992 Infanticide tour?

Bette Midler’s Dog: Woof! Woof!

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: I think we’re getting a little off topic here. Why don’t we just try to back up a bit now.

Brother Jacques: How would you characterize Bette Midler’s attitude towards her career during those “rocky” years. What about the legal and financial troubles?

Bette Midler’s Dog: Woof! Woof!

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: I don’t think it’s in Bette Midler’s dog’s the best interests to answer that question.

Brother Jacques: When Bette Midler did the movie Beaches, had her weight dropped dramatically from her summer tour?

Bette Midler’s Dog: Woof! Woof!

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: Now, these are invasive questions that don’t need to be answered at this juncture.

Brother Jacques: Does Bette Midler see herself more as an actress, a singer, or an all around entertainer?

Bette Midler’s Dog: Woof! Woof!

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: I was told that this interview would be centered around and focus on the activities and interest’s of Bette Midler’s dog.

     [The sound of testicles being licked.]

Brother Jacques: Do you see yourself being put out to stud anytime soon?

Bette Midler’s Dog: Woof! Woof!

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: Now I really don’t think that’s an appropriate question.

Brother Jacques: Shut up, I’m trying to ask Bette Midler’s dog a question.

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: I think we’re done here.

Brother Jacques: Listen, just shut up.

Bette Midler’s Dog: Arf! Arf! Woof!

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: There’s no reason to get aggressive here.

Brother Jacques: Look, just shut the fuck up.

Lawyer for Bette Midler’s Dog: That’s it; this interview’s over----

L&E

Jacques

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