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  • Jacques Talk

    Q&A with Bette Midlerís dog

    I met Bette Midlerís dog at a French cafe somewhere near the Midler compound, full of questions. This was my first encounter with Bette Midlerís dog, so there was a certain degree of anxiety. I was hurriedly led to our table, apologizing for my delay; traffic had been backed up for miles. But from the moment I sat down, he put me totally at ease. I chatted for a while on the stagnant economy and the state of affairs in the entertainment industry as a whole. He listened attentively, examining me with his soft brown, intelligent eyes as I spoke. His tail seemed to wag knowingly. There was something very worldly about him.

    I ordered an espresso, but Bette Midlerís dog seemed uninterested in beverages. Those numerous projects of his must have been floating through his mind at that very moment. Iíd often heard stories of his passive temperament and now, I thought to myself, Iím experiencing it firsthand.

    The unrighteous shall pay for their sins and the sins of all humanity.  My justice shall be visited upon their firstborn and they will know my wrath and indignation, and that I am.  We must kill now!  Strike while the iron is hot my child!

    God is watching us... from a distance.

    Bette Midlerís dog struck me as a consummate listener. An obvious leader and mentor. Upon the arrival of my espresso, I began the interview. I had many questions on my mind, and I was excited about getting started.

    Brother Jacques: First off, Iíd like to say what an honor it is to meet you. Iíve heard so many things, but now itís an extreme pleasure to get to know you in person. There are many questions right now that spring to my mind, so youíll forgive me if it takes a while to start up. I was wondering a bit about your early years with Bette Midler actually.

    Bette Midlerís Dog: Woof!

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: Iíd like to see that question focused a bit more. Thatís a pretty broad topic.

    Brother Jacques: Okay... Maybe you could tell me a bit about your earlier years following Bette Midler around. Was she a wild girl in those years? What was she really like back then?

    Bette Midlerís Dog: Woof! Woof!

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: I donít think that question really does justice to the topic. Itís prompting a response that would obviously appear sensationalistic however itís answered. I think itís best if we just skip this topic and move on.

    Brother Jacques: Was Bette Midlerís weight ever really an issue on or off the set during the filming of Ruthless People? And her 1992 Infanticide tour?

    Bette Midlerís Dog: Woof! Woof!

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: I think weíre getting a little off topic here. Why donít we just try to back up a bit now.

    Brother Jacques: How would you characterize Bette Midlerís attitude towards her career during those ďrockyĒ years. What about the legal and financial troubles?

    Bette Midlerís Dog: Woof! Woof!

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: I donít think itís in Bette Midlerís dogís the best interests to answer that question.

    Brother Jacques: When Bette Midler did the movie Beaches, had her weight dropped dramatically from her summer tour?

    Bette Midlerís Dog: Woof! Woof!

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: Now, these are invasive questions that donít need to be answered at this juncture.

    Brother Jacques: Does Bette Midler see herself more as an actress, a singer, or an all around entertainer?

    Bette Midlerís Dog: Woof! Woof!

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: I was told that this interview would be centered around and focus on the activities and interestís of Bette Midlerís dog.

         [The sound of testicles being licked.]

    Brother Jacques: Do you see yourself being put out to stud anytime soon?

    Bette Midlerís Dog: Woof! Woof!

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: Now I really donít think thatís an appropriate question.

    Brother Jacques: Shut up, Iím trying to ask Bette Midlerís dog a question.

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: I think weíre done here.

    Brother Jacques: Listen, just shut up.

    Bette Midlerís Dog: Arf! Arf! Woof!

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: Thereís no reason to get aggressive here.

    Brother Jacques: Look, just shut the fuck up.

    Lawyer for Bette Midlerís Dog: Thatís it; this interviewís over----



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