• College Crunch
  • Elf vs. Its Own Kind
    more..
  • The Being Kurt Russell Giveaway Sweepstakes
  • Jacques Applies to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart!
    more..
  • The Filing Cabinet
  • The 100 Questions
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • The Content-Free Vegeta Girl Zone
  • The Misbegotten Oregon Trail Journal Site
    more..
  • Flash

  • Dr. Hansen's Face Wash Commercial
  • An Irish Tale
    more..
  • Fun

  • Angel Blue's Bingo Page
  • The Anonymous Blonde's Printable Activity Fun Pages
    more..
  • Books

  • I Was a Teenage Wizard
  • Ringworld Remembered
  • Paul Says
    L&EPaulEmail

    HOW TO BE A FANCYPANTS

    Ah, the call of the fancypants!

    Who hasn't passed a student or co-worker who wears a cambric neckerchief and flourishes a gold-headed cane, and who is currently being beaten to within an inch of his life or thrown into a dumpster, and said, "I wish I were that guy"?

    A fancypants.But being a professional fancypants is no walk in the park. Oh, sure, it may look easy, but top fancypants celebrities must undergo years of rigorous training to perfect their craft. Tony Randall, for instance, spent three years in meditation and eleven years as an understudy to a ruffled velour jacket before netting his breakthrough role in The Odd Couple as Oscar's ruffled velour jacket.

    That said, it may seem unlikely that reading one article will make you a fancypants overnight. But then again, it seems unlikely that someone taped real footage of Britney Spears having sex with a horse, and yet someone did! And that someone emails me, like, six times a day. The moral is "nothing perseveres like perseverence."

    Before telling you how to be a fancypants, maybe I should explain what exactly a fancypants is. Since I'm not exactly certain myself, I turned to some unfailing internet resources, listed in ascending order of reliability:

    Dictionary.com: "No entry found for fancypants in the dictionary."

    google.com: "Did you mean fancy pants?" (Note: I recommend you search for "fancy pants" with the Child Filter ON.)

    yourdictionary.com: "overly elegant or refined : LA-DI-DA" (Note: What does that mean?)

    foldoc.doc.ic.ac.uk/foldoc/index.html: "Sorry, the term 'overly elegant or refined : LA-DI-DA' is not in the dictionary. Check the spelling and try removing suffixes like '-ing' and '-s'."

    In conclusion, the actual definition of "fancypants" isn't important. What's important is that it doesn't just refer to your pants. Your whole body can be fancy pants if you follow a few simple guidelines.

    • A fancypants is always picking off invisible motes of dust from his, and other's, clothes. You should do this. If there happen to be visible motes of dust on your clothes, DON't BE DISTRACTED! Prioritize. If necessary, hire someone to pick them off for you.

    • The true fancypants is an inveterate wine taster. Actual knowledge of wines is irrelevant. A lot can be accomplished with a gentle smacking of lips and the phrase "I am an inveterate wine taster." Actually, the word "inveterate" is a guaranteed winner and can be combined successfully with dozens of phrases, including
      • partygoer
      • clotheshorse
      • gourmand
      • horse whisperer
      • drug mule


    • Eyebrows up, eyelids down.

    • Your fancypants will generally laugh in some affected way. The true fancypants laugh is ALWAYS pronounced exactly as it is spelled. Try the following examples: "Huh huh huh." "Ha ha ha." "Ho ho ho." Have you been beaten to within an inch of your life? Then you're not doing it properly!

    • A word on the subject of names: Drake, yes; Slim, no. Morris yes; Stash, no.

    • You must always seek to push the bubble of finickiness. Eat only in the presence of a candelabra, or insist on a certain brand of oxygen.

    • You may wear fancy pants. However, you may not eat fancy pants. This is cannibalism.

    *

    L&EPaulEmail

  • Company X # 020
  • 91 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (pt. 6)
    more..
  • Domains for Sale
  • Planned Eat-Selescence
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Overrated: Diamonds (Mama Redcloud)
  • Overrated: Hamlet (Part 1) (Papa Redcloud)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Lance and Eskimo Lose the Refrigerator
  • Company X #010
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • Comprehension Test of Something Some Crazies Gave Me on the Street
  • What's Your Temperament? Personality Test/Medical Diagnostic Tool
    more..
  • Fiction

  • Bruce Hellmont, Girl Detective
  • The Erotic Adventures of Scrooge McDuck
    more..
  • L&E Comix

  • Lance and Eskimo and the Style Bullies
  • Lance and Eskimo Visit the Rich Actress Upstairs