• Self-Effacing Responses to Snotty Survey Answers
  • The Lance and Eskimo Conversation Generator
    more..
  • A Note from the Pocket of Jacques
  • Emmy Fever! - Part Two
    more..
  • The Party
  • Person Without Girlfriend
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • The Misbegotten Oregon Trail Journal Site
  • The Anonymous Blonde
    more..
  • Flash

  • The Official "The Day Chris Said "Wicked Fine"" Gush Page
  • Caolan's Birthday Movie
    more..
  • Fun

  • Quest for the Crown: Official Strategy Guide
  • Paul's Virtual Bar
    more..
  • Extinct Beverages

  • Extinct Beverage: DNA
  • Extinct Beverage: KMX Energy Drink
  • Paul Says
    L&EPaulEmail

    PAUL'S DRIVING MANUAL

    A car

    As you embark upon your career as a driver, you are being given a privilege as well as a responsibility. Your privilege is that you can go to Taco Bell whenever you want; your responsibility is that you must not kill people. To this end, you must exercise a high level of alertness and caution at all times. Remember: driving is a terrifying and cruel god, who derives joy from human suffering.

    BEFORE YOU START YOUR CAR

    Before you turn the ignition key, there are several steps you must take to ensure that you and your passengers are suitably impatient.

    1. Adjust your seat.
    2. Adjust the ventilation.
    3. Adjust the mirrors.
    4. Lock your doors.
    5. Fasten your seatbelt.
    6. Check to make sure that all your passengers have fastened their seatbelts like the narc you are.
    7. Check under the car and around the wheels to make sure there are no obstacles or impediments to driving.

    Yes, we are aware of the tragic irony that steps 4 and 5 (lock door and fasten seatbelt) seem to be rendered useless by step 7 (which involves getting out of the car). But this list of steps has been passed down from driving manual to driving manual, and if it's good enough for the 48 contiguous states, it's good enough for us. As we see it, there are three easy ways to complete these steps as they are written.

    • If you have a gaseous form, you may seep out of the car (see step number 2) and gather in a mist around the wheels to check for obstacles. Then seep back in. This also works if you are made of liquid metal.
    • If your arms are infinitely extensible like The Elongated Man, you can unroll the windows and grope around the wheels.
    • Or you can unbuckle your seatbelt, unlock your door, check under the car, get back in, and repeat steps 1 through 7 infinitely. This option may be time-consuming, but it has been shown to reduce highway fatalities by over 30%!

    THE IDPE DECISIONMAKING SYSTEM

    Click here for more information.

    HOW TO PULL OUT OF A SKID

    Do not hit the brakes. Reduce your speed while tapping the brakes gently and turn into the skid. Unless you have anti-lock brakes, in which case you are not to tap your brakes, but accelerate while turning your wheels to the right (if driving uphill) or left (if driving downhill). If you're not sure if you have anti-lock brakes, consult your car's manual, WHILE YOU ARE IN THE SKID. Not doing so might be the last mistake you ever make.

    In the event that you can not use the brakes, slow down by driving your car into an object. Do not choose a hard object, like a tree. This could prove dangerous. Instead, drive into a soft object, like a seeing-eye dog or some quicksand.

    IDENTIFYING COMMON ROAD SIGNS

    Click here for more information.

    BLIND SPOTS

    Blind spots

    You have several blind spots while you're driving. Make sure to check these before turning or changing lanes.

    1) The passenger in your passenger seat has a large, ungainly head which blocks your view of traffic. Craning your neck to try to see around him will just cause accidents. In order to solve this problem, your passenger should be fitted with a clear glass head. WARNING: Do not use your passenger's head as an aquarium. Because of perspective, it will appear that there are giant fish swimming next to your car. This condition is known as "highway hypnosis."

    Blind spots

    2) There are two blind spots diagonally behind your car, which can not be seen in the rear view window or by looking behind you. These spots are small, but dangerous. Just look what can be hidden in these blind spots:

    A: A loaded rifle, pointed right at your head!

    B: A diagonal line of killer Africanized bees!

    *

    L&EPaulEmail

  • Castles, The Princes That Fought (Chapter 9)
  • Gullible's Travels: Day Six
    more..
  • Great Powerpoint Demonstrations by Villains, Part 1: Skeletor's Soliloquy
  • Paul's Driving Manual
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • Nationally Meritless in America (Henry and Laura)
  • The Empress is Dying (Caolan)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Lance and Eskimo and the Return of the Style Bullies
  • Company X #011
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • 100 Better Questions
  • Name That Beauty Salon!
    more..
  • Fiction

  • Castles, The Princes That Fought (Chapter 7)
  • Elf vs. Its Mom
    more..
  • Star Wars

  • Star Wars :Jedi Knight 3: Jedi Academy
  • 64 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode II (pt. 5)