GEORGE W. BUSH'S SECRET REVEALED!
You may have noticed it in interviews: ask George W. Bush about any subject but his past, and he'll dazzle you with the specific, in-depth knowledge and off-the-cuff witticisms that are his trademark. But ask him about his past and he clams up.
Sure, he'll try to sell you some moonshine about his days as an unsuccessful baseball team owner and all the times that he did coke off of sorority girls. But it all sounds too pat, too rehearsed. He's hiding something. What is his dark secret?
We had several theories. "George W. Bush is not who he claims to be," we mused. But when we ran our speculations through our patented FaceMatch software, however, the results were less than dazzling.
 |  |  | George W. Bush is not a guy who looks like George W. Bush in a J. C. Penney catalog! |
 | | | George W. Bush is not a monkey! |
 | | | George W. Bush is not this horse's ass! |
A break in the case came while we were watching, for the hundredth time, an old press conference. A reporter asked a difficult question about stem cell research. Bush, never at a loss for words, responded with one of the bon mots for which he is renowned. "You look like a pooch," he said. "I think I'll call you Flash."
Suddenly, it all became clear. Pulses racing, we flipped over to TNN, where, as was inevitable, The Dukes of Hazzard was on.
What we discovered will haunt us to our graves.
|  |  | George W. Bush is Roscoe P. Coltrane! |
Yes, Coltrane was far handsomer. Years and, apparently, being hit in the face repeatedly with a shovel have taken their toll. It is an older, wiser, less-able-to-enunciate Coltrane who now heads our nation.
Suddenly, so many of the many nagging details that had bothered us made sense.
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Like Coltrane, Bush places an unusual emphasis on his mysterious middle name. |
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Like Coltrane, Bush combines a Southern drawl with an inability to pronounce any English word. |
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Like Coltrane, he is unable to give any public speech without ending it with "Giu-giu-giu-I'll get you Duke boys!" |
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 George with "Barney" |
 Roscoe with "Flash" |
One question still remained: How had such a clearly bogus candidate-- the comic foil on a lame 80's TV show-- been elected to office?
Well, through a massive campaign of ballot-stuffing and corruption, of course. Not to mention the patronage of a wiser political figure-- wiser, more sinister, and infinitely more likely to consume 50 chicken wings at a sitting.
One more question came to us: where were the Duke boys during all this? Normally they would stop any nefarious Hogg plan, like getting Coltrane elected president, even before it started.
Remember, Bo and Luke were fired before the last season of Dukes of Hazzard, and replaced with a totally inferior, boring, colorless, unlikeable, soul-deadening pair of faux cousins, Coi and Vance.
Wherever you are, real Bo and Luke, please come back! We need you now more than ever. Remember, someday the mountain may get you, but the Bush never will.
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