How To Be The Biggest Idiot Alive
My Guide to Guessing Your Way Through College was such a success that I have decided to return to the field of self-improvement writing. This handy guide will help you, the reader, become annoying in movie theatres, classrooms, and hallways or corridors in public buildings. Let's begin!
Step 1: Always walk down the middle of a hallway when alone. If you are in a group, walk through the hall in a line, blocking the entire walkway. This prevents people who are in a hurry to get somewhere (ie: a class) from being able to walk around you. Always remember to walk extrememly slow while blocking the hall, that way a large group of people will gradually form behind you. A large group of irritated, fast-walking people who have now been forced to slow down. Eventually, the hall will open up and allow them to pass you, but these areas often have a doorway leading into them. As you approach the doorway, simply stop for no apparent reason. This may even provide you with an opportune moment to stare at a spot on the wall, or count the particles of dust gathering on the hallway tile.
Step 2: Always carry a laser pointer. Not only are these things the most totally amazing marvel of modern technology that our generation has yet to encounter, but they can make every movie completely hilarious! While in a theatre, wait until the movie reaches its dramamtic climax, then simply point the laser somewhere at the screen. Suggested areas of extreme hilarity include: up the male lead's nose, the centre of a character's forehead, a woman's breast, a man's crotch, or any place in the facial region that could suggest something totally hilarious. The jeering, yelling, and threats on your life are probably all part of the fun, so it's best to keep on laughing and pointing, even when the big burly guy behind you gets up and cracks you over the head with the metal frame of his seat.
Step 3: Everybody loves the guy who goes on and on endlessly quoting a movie that you just saw. If you can memorize every line from every American Pie movie, you'll be the hit of any party! Movies that no one ever gets tired of hearing a plethura of quotes from include: any Kevin Smith movie, any Adam Sandler movie, any Jim Carrey movie (especially The Mask), and any Jason Biggs movie. You can also entertain everybody within a five foot range of you by utilizing an endless supply of Homer Simpson quotes, because the Simpsons is the greatest show ever made in the history of everything and should be quoted every ten seconds.
Step 4: Buy all of your clothes from Old Navy. Their ridiculous ad campaigns are constantly resurrecting the careers of our brightest stars, like Fran Drescher, so they deserve our support!
Step 5: Buy an X-Box and a copy of "DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball" and then go on and on about how it's the single greatest video game ever made, and how all the girls in it are so hot, and how you'd do them if they weren't computer-generated images that have a body type that is almost impossible to attain by any living female human being without the assistance of several dangerous chemicals. Then do the same with "Outlaw Golf". Naturally, everybody will assume that you are an almighty, all-knowing authority on video games, and will believe everything you say and recognize your greatness.
Step 6: Start a Dave Matthews Band cover band.
Step 7: Always sit at the back of a classroom (if you're still in school by this point) and complain about something. Whether it's the teacher's teaching style, the way they write on the board, the fact that you can't read the overhead notes, or even something as simple as your pen dying, be sure to complain about it. Loudly. So loud that everybody in the classroom can hear you. Naturally, since the world revolves around you, everyone in the class will be quick to offer supporting words of confidence like "Shut the fuck up." Do not, however, mistake this as hostility, as they are just being funny, and think you're the coolest guy/girl in the world, which you are.
Step 8: Wear lots and lots of clothing branded with alcohol logos. Corona t-shirts are a great place to start, just make sure that you throw your Old Navy pullover on too!
Step 9: When attending a concert, make sure you're wearing a shirt or hat emblazoned with the name or logo of the band you're there to see. This lets everybody there know that you are, in fact, that band's biggest fan in the world, and that you know everything there is to know about their music. Remember, everyone there who isn't wearing that band's merchandise is not a real fan, and doesn't know anything about anything.
Step 10: Make sure you've read "1984" by George Orwell. Now, everyone reads 1984 at some point or another, but YOU are the only one who really knows anything about the book! Make sure you take your own interpretation (which is obviously the only one that is right) and force it upon everybody you know. Their ideas on the moral and meaning of the book are all wrong. Make sure that they know that. Now, do the same with Orwell's "Animal Farm" and Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World".
There you have it! You are now the Biggest Idiot Alive! Be sure to use your newfound skills to enlighten others as to how amazing you are. Once you have completed the ten steps listed above, simply print out this handy certificate, frame it, and show it off to everybody you know! Now they will recognize the fact that you are their better! If you would like to learn more about being the biggest idiot in alive, simply bash yourself in the head swiftly with a ballpine hammer, and send any loosened skull fragments to me via your local postal service.
--Heccubus
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