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    L&EPaulEmail

    George Lucas's Neck Size is in Inverse Proportion the the Quality of his Films

    A photo essay by Paul

    Lucas directing THX-1138, a dystopian vision of a world where people are named "Windu".

    1971: THX 1138

    Neck to Film Quality Ratio: George Lucas's jowl area is small or nonexistent, more than adequately covered by a stylish goatee. THX 1138 is a taut, edgy dystopian thriller.

    Lucas requests more bling bling.

    1977: Star Wars

    Neck to Film Quality Ratio: Lucas's beard is at the height of its powers. Neck is not in evidence. Star Wars kicks ass. Young Paul wants a lightsaber for christmas. He recieves a glow-in-the-dark plastic tube that is unable to cut through steel girder. This is not Lucas's fault.

    A more mature Lucas wears black to symbolize his ever-increasing temptation to use the Dark Side of the force and the fact that he's a fucking cowboy.

    1983: Return of the Jedi

    Neck to Film Quality Ratio: A little throat skin peeps through. This is not serious yet, but it is to be watched. Return of the Jedi is pretty cool, but marred by disco song performed in Jabba's Palace (revealingly titled Lapi Neck) and the introduction of the ewoks.

    Lucas delivers his neck a stern warning: "Stop expansionist policies or face the consequences: MY HANDS AS I STRANGLE YOU!"

    1988: Tucker: The Man and his Dream

    Neck to Film Quality Ratio: Lucas is visibly battling his neck's evil powers, but its dominance is made apparent by that fact that Tucker: The Man and his Dream sucks.

    An ever more Ewok-like Lucas does tons of interviews and is ritually hand-fed choice morsels of tender beef dipped in royal jelly.

    1989-1998: Tons of documentaries about Star Wars

    Neck to Film Quality Ratio: The neck bides its time, slowly gathering its powers. Jimmy Smits is contacted about a role in an upcoming Star Wars movie.

    Observers note the fact that the neck has grown a sinister pair of eyes.

    1999: Lucas at premier of The Phantom Menace

    Neck to Film Quality Ratio: Menace sucks. Midichlorians, Jar Jar, and the pod race play-by-play/color commentator are just a few of many themes believe to have come about through the diabolocal machinations of Lucas's vile throat sac.

    Admirers come to see and touch Lucas, whom they believe to be Hsieh, the lovable Chinese panda.

    2002: Attack of the Clones

    Neck to Film Quality Ratio: Not as good as the original three movies, but arguably better than being crushed by a falling girder, Episode II's dreadfulness is mitigated by the hilarious casting of Jimmy Smits. Nevertheless, the 50's diner scene, the ridiculous Yoda lightsaber battle, and the fact that the movie is called "Attack of the Clones!!!" are considered by many to be signs that the neck's contempt for humanity knows no bounds.

    (artist's projection)

    2005: Episode III

    Neck to Film Quality Ratio: Lucas's throat is now the ultimate power in the universe. The American National Anthem is replaced with "The Jar Jar Binks Rap".

    *

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