Entering the auditorium, Laura, Paul, Chefelf, Yahtzee (in spirit), Tad the Banana, and I sat down. But before encountering Bruce Campbell, we were treated to a documentary of his professional life. I never before realized how truly depressing it really was. There was no swinging from ceilings or stealing priceless objects for Mister Bruce Campbell, prince of thieves. There were no chainsaws and babes. Watching the documentary, I painfully realized how utterly misplaced his skills were in simply signing autographs and taking pictures with people. The CIA could use a man like Bruce Campbell; what’s he doing signing stuff?
That’s what happens with the bureaucracy of Hollywood and just about every other major megacorporation. They simply don’t know how to evaluate a skill set and place people with any degree of efficiency.
In any case, as the documentary progressed, someone explained how they had their name officially changed to Xena: Warrior Princess. I confided to Chefelf that people like that should have their citizenship revoked. Tad agreed. There can only be one Xena: Warrior Princess. Except for those episodes where she also plays a non-warrior princess and a whore... and an archeologist... and various incarnations of whore.
And then the documentary ended and Bruce Campbell came out and talked for a bit and started signing things. I got him to sign Tad. After signing books, video tapes, nipples, ovaries, and ass cheeks all day, it must have come as a welcomed relief to be signing a grateful and awestruck banana.
Bruce Campbell signing Tad the banana, wondering why all of his fans are such fucking idiots.
I asked Bruce Campbell what he thought Tad said, and he figured “it has a kind of XXX thing going.” The girl whose job it was to take pictures also agreed with Laura that it looked like “tax”, but she was reading it upside down. And also, she probably doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Girls are like that.
Picture of an excited Tad the banana with his hero Bruce Campbell.
On the drive home, I was forced to give Tad to Laura in order to avoid the temptation of accidentally peeling and eating him. How could I possibly live with myself if I simply lost focus, forgot, and ate a banana signed by Bruce Campbell?
But now, Tad was something more. He was no longer just an everyday banana with words naturally occurring on him. He was a banana with words naturally occurring on him signed by Bruce Campbell!
Tad alongside a normal banana for comparison. Notice how Tad has letters and the banana is simply yellow.
Before leaving Bruce Campbell to his own devices, Tad and I offered him a part in our upcoming film. He was quick to appreciatively and enthusiastically grumble something about needing to get our finances in order before calling him about any movie project. Well, that shouldn’t be a problem any longer. With respect to that, I’ve been able to acquire a cardboard box and my mother’s Volvo for our purposes.
Currently, Tad and I are working on a script to send to Bruce Campbell. It stars Bruce Campbell, and Tad as a banana with words naturally occurring on him, signed by Bruce Campbell. Suffice it to say that everything they do is zany. This winning pair can’t possibly lose!
I intend to reveal some of the ideas Tad and I have worked out, but I’ve just realized that I can stretch this into a third article if I just stop here! Look for it in a few weeks!
Bruce Campbell endorsing L&E: “Lance and Eskimo Dot Com... what the fuck is that?
