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•The Erotic Adventures of Scrooge McDuck
•The Ten Dollar Haircut

more by Paul


•Embassy Blues
•How to Safely Invade Iraq

more by Jacques


•Overrated: Ancient Egypt
•Overrated: Citizen Kane

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•Gullible's Travels: Day Twenty-Three
•Gullible's Travels: Day Twenty-Two

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•The Erotic Adventures of Scrooge McDuck

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15 Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

  • chocolate is non-judgmental
  • chocolate likes to cuddle
  • no one ever heard of "chocolate crimes"
  • if a maid left sex on your pillow, you would be sad
  • chocolate is the ultimate expression of physical intimacy
  • sex produces babies, and babies consume our world's precious zwieback reserve
  • your boyfriend never starts crying and singing the French national anthem while eating chocolate
  • chocolate isn't morally wrong
  • when chocolate strains you to its manly bosom, you can feel its throbbing masculinity underneath its rough peasant garb
  • unlike sex, chocolate never tries to pull off outdated rap slang, claiming that you are "fronting" and asking its peeps to give a shout out
  • in televised debates, chocolate always wins because sex looks all jowly on camera
  • physiologically speaking, the human orgasm uses the same muscles as being abandoned on a desert island
  • chocolate never assembles in groups of 99 for a ceremony that teaches children to hate their Christian God (oh wait, that's why chocolate is better than Smurfs)
  • Albert Schweitzer is made of fudge
  • every time you have sex, another baby kitten dies