15 Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

• chocolate is non-judgmental
• chocolate likes to cuddle
• no one ever heard of "chocolate crimes"
• if a maid left sex on your pillow, you would be sad
• chocolate is the ultimate expression of physical intimacy
• sex produces babies, and babies consume our world's precious zwieback reserve
• your boyfriend never starts crying and singing the French national anthem while eating chocolate
• chocolate isn't morally wrong
• when chocolate strains you to its manly bosom, you can feel its throbbing masculinity underneath its rough peasant garb
• unlike sex, chocolate never tries to pull off outdated rap slang, claiming that you are "fronting" and asking its peeps to give a shout out
• in televised debates, chocolate always wins because sex looks all jowly on camera
• physiologically speaking, the human orgasm uses the same muscles as being abandoned on a desert island
• chocolate never assembles in groups of 99 for a ceremony that teaches children to hate their Christian God (oh wait, that's why chocolate is better than Smurfs)
• Albert Schweitzer is made of fudge
• every time you have sex, another baby kitten dies