CHUD vs. the Board of Education
(Just What it Sounds Like)
A landmark court decision viewed as part of the core curriculum for every American History class syllabus in schools throughout the U.S., the case of CHUD vs. the Board of Education has gone on to define much of what our present day legal system stands for.
During the 1980s and 1990s, CHUD (or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) were subjected to harsh injustices of all kinds. Many prominent black leaders have likened the CHUD struggle to the African American’s own struggle for civil rights. But even then, many from across the board (white, black, Jewish, Christian) joined hands in their attempt to draw attention to the injustices that were being committed against the African American community. In contrast, during a 1984 CHUD march on the White House, despite the fact that a few other races and religions began the march with them, none were to be seen or heard from when it came time to rally before the Washington Monument. The CHUD stood alone.
CHUD freedom and self-esteem was at an all-time low. Dining establishments would simply refuse to serve them, and CHUD didn’t seem to be welcome anywhere. Their crude habits and all-consuming obsession with and taste for human flesh was often ridiculed. Whenever a child was late for supper or simply missing, the nearest CHUD would always be the first eyes would turn to.
Stereotypes were rampant, portraying CHUD as lazy and unindustrious, while, in fact, CHUD could often be seen prowling the streets, working late into the night, going about their various CHUD-related tasks when others had long since fallen to their placid sleep.
CHUD hate literature distributed during trial
But when the CHUD petitioned for desegregation in the Alabama school system, the world listened. The following is a key excerpt from the actual court transcripts of the case (all to be read with a thick Southern accent).
Prosecution: Your honor, we’d like to file a motion to suppress the cannibalism on the grounds that it may unfairly bias the jury.
Defense: Your honor! That’s my client’s entire defense!
Prosecution: Your honor, given this state’s bias toward CHUD, I see it as the only reasonable course of action.
Your Honor (perplexed): CHUD?
Prosecution: Should CHUD be segregated from the others just because they eat skin, whatever color it may happen to be? Once we’ve torn away and eaten the flesh, aren’t we all just the same underneath?... Before we eat that too.
Defense: Objection your honor; prosecution is playing race as an issue.
Your Honor: I’ll allow it. Continue.
Prosecution: Judge them not by the color of the skin they eat, but simply by the fact that they’re eating skin.
[Crowd in courtroom stands and claps.]
Some guy in the crowd: Ye-ah muthafuka right on!
Your Honor: Order in the court!
CHUD: I’ll have the defense counselor with a side of sauerkraut.
Defense: Your honor! I object to being eaten!
Prosecution: I object to defense counsel’s objection to being eaten. Defense is bringing up evidence that the court has agreed to suppress.
Defense: No we haven’t!
Prosecution: Your Honor, cannibalism was rendered inadmissible.
Defense: No it wasn’t!
Prosecution: Such a shame. This coming from such a tasty morsel as yourself.
Defense: Objection your honor. Counsel is assuming facts not in evidence.
Your Honor: Then your taste will be entered into the record. Bailiff CHUD Nougat, please enter defense counsel’s taste into record.
Defense: Objection withdrawn your honor.
Prosecution: Damn straight.
Defense: Isn’t prosecution supposed to be questioning the CHUD?
Prosecution: "The CHUD"? Your honor, I simply object to the circumstances of this trial, and such juvenile behavior and obvious bias.
Defense: Prosecution is showboating!
Your Honor: Under the peculiar circumstances, I’ll allow it.
Defense: Holy tree branches of fuck!
Your Honor: Defense counsel’s expletive so noted.
Defense: Cock sucking monkey-bat fuckers from hell!
Your Honor: You will only be given so much leeway in this, defense counsel.
Defense: Do we really want CHUD in our neighborhoods with our friends? Teaching our kids? Having sex with our wives? And then eating them all?... Is this what we want for our children? The next thing we know, they’ll be feasting on Christian babies, just like the Jews.
Prosecution: Your honor, CHUD are nothing like the Jews. CHUD just want what every other God-fearing American citizen wants, the opportunities laid out for them in the U.S. Constitution. The very lifeblood of this nation. After all, "U.S." spells "us".
Your Honor: I’m sorry. It appears that the emotions drawn out by this trial are running high and will require a short recess for us to compose ourselves. 15 minutes.
Suffice it to say that the CHUD fought on. Into the wee hours of the night, until, the courtroom was theirs. They did, as we all know, gain their political and personal freedoms. Yet, as we are constantly reminded, this will forever remain a filthy stain upon this great nation’s reputation. But then, as the saying goes, the rest of this mother-fucking-monkey-humping-sack-of-shit... is history.
During the 1980s and 1990s, CHUD (or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) were subjected to harsh injustices of all kinds. Many prominent black leaders have likened the CHUD struggle to the African American’s own struggle for civil rights. But even then, many from across the board (white, black, Jewish, Christian) joined hands in their attempt to draw attention to the injustices that were being committed against the African American community. In contrast, during a 1984 CHUD march on the White House, despite the fact that a few other races and religions began the march with them, none were to be seen or heard from when it came time to rally before the Washington Monument. The CHUD stood alone.
