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I used to have an e-mail account. I used to have an e-mail account, that is, before they started telling me I’d have to pay to keep it. Now, I do not have that account.

But getting mail was certainly fun. I love junkmail! And no matter how many times I get a “response” from “Crystal69” Subject: “Come and check out me and my friends”, I’m suckered into checking it out. There’s always that nagging concern that somehow I’m getting mail from an acquaintance of mine named Crystal that I’ve merely forgotten about. And maybe her and her friends really do have something important to show me. I read the e-mail with seriousness, and examine their site with thorough concern and curiosity. If Crystal means to tell me something, I’ll stick with it until everything is made clear. All I’ve been able to figure out so far is that Crystal69 and her friends need clothes. I responded telling her this much, but my e-mail service was discontinued before an appropriate “thank you” response could be received from her and her friends. If anyone knows where we can reach Crystal and her friends, please inform us so that we may help them in locating the nearest clothing store, or the Salvation Army, and much needed clothing.

Such e-mails are a common occurrence. But one e-mail message has always drawn my heightened curiosity. And that claim is “Enlarge Your Penis 5 inches, Guaranteed!” For the most part, this technology is something we’ve taken for granted. Just imagine a scenario in which we could go back in time to the year 1900.

Man in Past: So, what does the future hold for us?

Man from Future: President Bush is president.

Man in Past: Who’s President Bush?

Man from Future: A President.

Man in Past: Oh. What else is coming?

Man from Future: We have submarines to take us into the depths of the oceans and rockets that can shoot us into outer space.

Man in Past: Pff... I saw that one coming. What else?

Man from Future: With only 3 easy payments, you can enlarge your penis 5 inches, guaranteed!

Man in Past: Guaranteed? Your product simply couldn’t do that, could it?

Man from Future: Not only could my product do that, it’s guaranteed to do that!

Man in Past: Show me how it works.

     [Audience looks astounded.]

Man from Future: It’s simple, with our patented lift and cut system, you just...

You get the basic idea though. But here’s what I find fascinating. Each week, three of these e-mails used to show up in my inbox. Now, what if I was to take them up on this offer? Having enlarged my penis by 5 whole inches, I would return from whatever operation was required and contentedly check my e-mail, with a knowing smirk on my face. But then, that same day, another e-mail would arrive: “Enlarge Your Penis 5 inches, Guaranteed!” I would pause, and think to myself. I’ve already enlarged my penis by 5 inches. But this is an entirely different e-mail that claims I can add 5 more inches to my penis, guaranteed! Current penis size plus 5 inches! While penises have never fascinated me that much before, the mere implications of this event are staggering.

Suddenly, I imagine a penis enlarged indefinitely. A penis so large, that the urine is still traveling within it by the time your bladder has been completely emptied. The pee would not even have come out yet! Pee does not travel at the speed of light. It travels at the speed of urine. Unless, of course, fiber-optic cabling is installed in your penis, allowing for the pee to be converted into digital information packets of ones and zeros. In this fashion, you would either be able to expel pure light and communicate information through your penis near instantaneously, or a disk could simply be inserted into and then ejected from your butt and discarded.

Perhaps this is the business poor Crystal69 and her friends should have gotten into. They’d certainly be able to afford clothes, and penile telecommunications is such a rewarding industry.

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