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Ah, the call of the fancypants!

Who hasn't passed a student or co-worker who wears a cambric neckerchief and flourishes a gold-headed cane, and who is currently being beaten to within an inch of his life or thrown into a dumpster, and said, "I wish I were that guy"?

A fancypants.But being a professional fancypants is no walk in the park. Oh, sure, it may look easy, but top fancypants celebrities must undergo years of rigorous training to perfect their craft. Tony Randall, for instance, spent three years in meditation and eleven years as an understudy to a ruffled velour jacket before netting his breakthrough role in The Odd Couple as Oscar's ruffled velour jacket.

That said, it may seem unlikely that reading one article will make you a fancypants overnight. But then again, it seems unlikely that someone taped real footage of Britney Spears having sex with a horse, and yet someone did! And that someone emails me, like, six times a day. The moral is "nothing perseveres like perseverence."

Before telling you how to be a fancypants, maybe I should explain what exactly a fancypants is. Since I'm not exactly certain myself, I turned to some unfailing internet resources, listed in ascending order of reliability: "No entry found for fancypants in the dictionary." "Did you mean fancy pants?" (Note: I recommend you search for "fancy pants" with the Child Filter ON.) "overly elegant or refined : LA-DI-DA" (Note: What does that mean?) "Sorry, the term 'overly elegant or refined : LA-DI-DA' is not in the dictionary. Check the spelling and try removing suffixes like '-ing' and '-s'."

In conclusion, the actual definition of "fancypants" isn't important. What's important is that it doesn't just refer to your pants. Your whole body can be fancy pants if you follow a few simple guidelines.

  • A fancypants is always picking off invisible motes of dust from his, and other's, clothes. You should do this. If there happen to be visible motes of dust on your clothes, DON't BE DISTRACTED! Prioritize. If necessary, hire someone to pick them off for you.

  • The true fancypants is an inveterate wine taster. Actual knowledge of wines is irrelevant. A lot can be accomplished with a gentle smacking of lips and the phrase "I am an inveterate wine taster." Actually, the word "inveterate" is a guaranteed winner and can be combined successfully with dozens of phrases, including
    • partygoer
    • clotheshorse
    • gourmand
    • horse whisperer
    • drug mule

  • Eyebrows up, eyelids down.

  • Your fancypants will generally laugh in some affected way. The true fancypants laugh is ALWAYS pronounced exactly as it is spelled. Try the following examples: "Huh huh huh." "Ha ha ha." "Ho ho ho." Have you been beaten to within an inch of your life? Then you're not doing it properly!

  • A word on the subject of names: Drake, yes; Slim, no. Morris yes; Stash, no.

  • You must always seek to push the bubble of finickiness. Eat only in the presence of a candelabra, or insist on a certain brand of oxygen.

  • You may wear fancy pants. However, you may not eat fancy pants. This is cannibalism.