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Stop the Denial of Service Attacks:
A Plea for Sanity

Last Friday, at 3:57 PST, Lance and Eskimo Dot Com was attacked by hackers. A massive denial-of-service campaign was launched by a Chinese hacker group called The Freedom Board. The attack used a new type of security worm, the so-called "Red Worm," which bombards the website with HTTP requests. Somehow, this allows the hacker to put up his or her own content onto the site. How? It's all very technical, and I have been informed that it involves some sort of "protocol." Other things that may be involved are the "hyper-text markup language," which, from its name, seems to be some sort of hacker "hyper-language" which can override site content and deface or "mark up" the site with defamatory messages.

Captain Marvel

This is the picture that would have appeared in the brilliant Friday feature.

For an example of a hacked site, check out As you probably know by now, for the past few months there has been nothing on but the words "Hacked by the Chinese - F*** The American Government." No less affected is Lance and Eskimo Dot Com. On Friday, we had an extremely funny and clever story scheduled about Captain Marvel and how he was a really lame superhero. I mean, he's just like Superman, but worse! And that cape! Lame. But tragically, the Chinese replaced that story with no less than 3 stories about Perdro the elf. These stories were run without our knowledge or consent. We do not endorse the viewpoints in the story, and we disclaim any responsibility for the low, low quality of these stories.

Earlier today (Tuesday), the hackers contacted us, demanding that we embrace their own brand of totalitarian Communism, or, they claim, a new Perdro the Elf story will be uploaded to the site at irregular intervals. Our answer is simple. WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS. The line must be drawn here. Freedom Board, do your worst. It can't be worse than "Elves Vs. Society."

Another site struck by the Communist hackers is our sister site, They, too, wrote an Appeal for Sanity, but since the in-your-face smarminess of their appeal may make it superior to ours in the eyes of God, I'm going to include theirs, nearly in its entirety, just to cover all our bases. (In the following text, I have added references to because, just in case it helps ward off further hacker attacks, I want to enlist God's protection.)

Dear friends,

Some of you are aware that yesterday a successful hacking took place which rendered our Fellowship Forum message boards inoperable. Instead, you recieved message that simply read "Hacked by Chinese".

At this time, I ask that you pray for the person or persons who hacked our site. I ask that you pray that the Spirit of the Lord soften their hearts and lead them to use their obvious computer coding gift for good and not for evil. Pray that the scales might be removed from their eyes so that they clearly see the chains with which Satan has them bound.

Friends, don't let anyone fool you...SATAN HATES THESE SITES!! Both ... WUZUPGOD [and] are under constant attack and threat. We must pray diligently, asking God's protection and provision over us.

...In the bible God promises:

"Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me" (Psalm 50:15)

Let us all call upon him now and watch His mighty hand work. Thank you all in advance for your prayers!!

The same goes for us, except for pretty much all the stuff about the religion. In lieu of the grace of God, we have decided to go with a lame attempt to ingratiate ourselves to the Chinese hackers. Keep in mind, this is NOT NEGOTIATION! This is pandering.

  • Anything we say about Kurt Russell on this site should not be taken as an endorsement. His human rights violations in Little China were wrong, and we fully realize that.
  • I carried around a picture of Chairman Mao for a year, until I accidentally washed it and it ruined my wallet.
  • Here's a picture I drew in high school, which I submitted as part of my Fine Arts advanced placement project. It may be partially responsible for me getting a 1 on that AP. In a way, I am a Communist martyr. Down with the capitalist pig-dogs!

    Mao Tse-Tung Superstar

By His grace-