I wrote this a few days back and I’ll be sending it along about now. Once I’ve succeeded in infiltrating this rival humor site, the world is ours!
Dear The Onion,
This letter has significance on various levels.
For instance, I’m currently seeking employment as a writer for a web-based humor web base.
There are a few obvious reasons to hire me as a writer. Not the least of which being because when I rule the world, The Onion will be my web zine anyway. Now might be a good time to start ingratiating yourselves with your inevitable master.
Secondly, I don’t think there’s any questioning the fact that I’m infinitely more humorous than you are. I know it might be a sore subject, so I’m attempting to deal with it as delicately as possible. It’s not your fault in the slightest; my greatness should not be a reason for bitterness, but rather for joy in the salvation and enlightenment I bring to this world. You don’t have any idea how much I actually hold back as far as the “humor” of my articles and this letter goes because I simply don’t want to blow your heads off with my magnificence. I can go on about this, but a meta-analysis of the logical proof documenting my humorous superiority would simply be a waste of our energies and bandwidth.
Another reason (the main reason) for this letter is clearly that I need an article for this week to post on LanceandEskimo.com. I got bored, began thinking of pickles and onions, and started typing this, and I’m sure as hell not going to start writing something else. I may be brilliant, but my laziness matches (if not exceeds) my brilliance. Thus, I have absolutely no option but to complete the writing of this letter.
While I’m making mention of my strengths, such as my turgid laziness, I should also note that I’m incredibly difficult to work with. I suppose I’ll have to applaud your patience with me in advance. If you require, I could easily forward letters of recommendation documenting my incomprehensible crankiness and gross sloth, but I think this letter speaks for itself.
I could now go on to list my skills and credentials, but I think we both know I’d just be making them up so there’s no use in wasting space for any of that.
Also, there are payment concerns which I should probably bring up now to get them out of the way. I would expect you to match or exceed my present salary because, currently, I receive payment in spice drops. And even now I’m still owed retroactive spice drops. And I always get stuck with the black ones that taste like Marlon Brando’s farts must taste like. Not that I’d know, but I distinctly got the impression of what they might taste like from my experiencing of The Island of Dr. Moreau when it came to TV a while back.
It has also come to my attention that other members of this website may be attempting to contact you as well. Because of this, I suppose I should make mention of a few things which might prove relevant in your employment considerations regarding my esteemed comrades. I hope this praise does them justice.
Chefelf is a drunk. He forces you to listen to stories about his childhood in the “Forbidden City” which he just makes up because he’s drunk. Paul Meats drowns puppies for his own personal amusement, and occasionally for the amusement of his comrades at Thunderdome. Currently, he is preparing to march his army of the undead on an unsuspecting Hobbiton. And, I have absolutely no evidence to back this up, but Laura’s a cannibal. It’s only a matter of time before we’ll begin smelling the reek of an Englishman’s delectable, honey-roasted rump on her breath.
Now, for the most part I see that you appear to be a newspaper, but most of the time your facts are simply wrong. I can do that as easily as the next fellow:
Afghanistan to Host Bake Sale Outside Local Shriner’s Auditorium: The country of Afghanistan will be hosting a bake sale in order to raise the much needed funds necessary to wage an extensive holy war against the United States. The Rice Krispies squares are expected to be their major source of funding in this war against the infidels, as well as being a delicious snack treat and source of 8 essential vitamins. While Kellogs has dismissed the Taliban’s call for a “holy war”, they are nevertheless forced to admit that their Rice Krispies squares may just be delicious enough to cause problems for the enemies of Islam.
Man Sticks Head Up His Own Ass: In Omaha, Nebraska the other day, as a result of nothing better to do, a man stuck his head up his own ass “to see where farts come from.” When prompted for further information, the man could not respond as he excitedly anticipated the approach of a massive fart to the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Unfortunately, wedging himself in for a better view, he somehow disappeared completely within his own ass. Understandably, the search party has completely given up hope.
A Step Is Taken to Place Tom Hanks On Every Domestic American Flight: With the increase of security at airports and on airplanes in the U.S., extra funding is being allocated to allow for Tom Hanks to be present during every flight undertaken in the United States. The reasoning behind this seems apparent. Also, despite the presence of “sky marshals”, it is believed that the presence of Tom Hanks might have a soothing effect upon a public that is still skeptical about flying. When reached for questioning, Tom Hanks simply replied “whatever I can do to make flying safer in this country, I’m willing to undertake. I don’t just see it as a way to make an easy $9 an hour, but also as my civic duty.”
I suppose I should be giving the rest of LanceandEskimo.com my 2 week notice about now, but they’d either be too drunk or gorged on human flesh to notice it. I’ll be starting work this Monday, but I expect a well regulated nap time between the hours of 9-11 A.M. and 12-5 P.M. I’m cranky when I don’t get my nap and purple spice drops. Also, it might be easier on everyone if we move offices a bit closer to where I live.
I’m sure you look forward to working with me. I look forward to you looking forward to working with me.
Jacques
Lance and Eskimo Dot Com - Now 98% Dolphin Safe!
