A while back, I stumbled upon a massive dilemma. Perusing the titles of a local video store, I came across something that immediately made me want to rent a movie like I’ve never rented a movie before. I believe the title was something to the effect of: Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space.
But then, in that, the dilemma presented itself: would I have to sit through Leprechaun 1, 2, and 3 before I am worthy of Leprechaun 4? I remember seeing Back to the Future 1 and 3, but never 2, and that fact has not had a seemingly adverse effect upon me. Yet I am an obsessive type, and I could never fight off the anxiety of sitting through Leprechaun 4 knowing that I hadn’t truly “earned” it.
Having experienced parts of the initial leprechaun movie, various questions would arise if I simply skipped to Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space. And I’m almost certain they’re answered in either Leprechaun 1, 2, or 3.
What does the leprechaun need all that gold for? Does he intend to buy or invest with it? Does he monitor gold prices with anxiety? Does he have a subscription to The Wall Street Journal? If not, does the gold hold any other value for him? Inherent, symbolic, emotional, sentimental, or spiritual value? How does he handle practical concerns such as room and board? And, if not with gold, does he simply rely on magic? If the leprechaun wants a Snickers bar, does he have to find change for a gold coin, does he (in typical leprechaun fashion) steal the Snickers bar, or can he merely conjure up a magical Snickers bar? And is this ethical?
If the leprechaun had not pursued a murderous killing spree, could he not simply have retrieved his gold through the appropriate legal channels and been entitled to statutory compensation as well?
As for the entire leprechaun canon, having seen bits of the first leprechaun movie, I think I’ve got a pretty good idea what I’m in for. Putting all the movies together, I’m in for an epic. An epic leprechaun movie the likes of which the world has never seen (or at least the likes of which most people have not had the patience to see). A movie the likes of The Godfather or War and Peace in scope, leprechaun style.
In that regard, the central flaw of Tolstoy’s War and Peace is clearly that leprechauns do not play as integral a role as they should in the epic masterwork; and by that I mean there are absolutely no leprechauns whatsoever in War and Peace as Tolstoy seemingly envisioned it. Perhaps the versions I have experienced are only a result of poor translation and the absence of leprechauns is simply a case of their being untrue to Tolstoy’s artistic vision. Nevertheless, I am considering the forming of a petition to have leprechauns posthumously inserted into Tolstoy’s War and Peace. They would, no doubt, clear up many of the inconsistencies and much of the confusion left in the original work. For instance, much of Napoleon’s failure could most likely be attributed to leprechaun related instances which were perhaps edited out of the original work over concerns of length and readability.
Having myself watched parts of the movie Leprechaun, I can readily understand those concerns. I found it increasingly difficult to read Tolstoy’s War and Peace while the movie Leprechaun flashed away in the background as televised white noise.
The parts of Leprechaun I have seen (and the parts of War and Peace that I have read) have also terrified me away from eating Lucky Charms cereal. There’s always the fear that that little cartoon leprechaun will want his marshmallows back and a young Jennifer Aniston won’t be there to comfort me, as she was in the Leprechaun movie, comforting me from such an unfortunate Lepre-Epic.
Call me paranoid, but stranger things have happened. Particularly in those leprechaun movies.
Chances are, the Lucky Charms leprechaun would desire his marshmallows much the same as the movie leprechaun would desire his gold. My guess is that it has something to do with an obsessive hoarding compulsion that could be treated with either therapy or medication. Clearly, the gold and/or marshmallows could serve no other purpose to a magical leprechaun.
In that case, the leprechaun in question would truly have to step back and evaluate the quality of his life. His obsessive concern for gold and/or marshmallows, as the case may be, must then be gauged and analyzed in an attempt to recognize its counterproductive nature and overall emotional hindrance to the leprechaun’s quality of life. Why does he desire gold (and marshmallows) so much? And is it truly enhancing the quality of his life? Or merely fueling a counterproductive obsession that actually detracts from the leprechaun’s total creative output, potential, positively experiencing life, and successfully interacting with other leprechauns on a meaningful social level?
An imbalance during the Freudian “anal stage” of leprechaun development could possibly be taken as a significant factor of the problem. Perhaps 20 mg of Prozac would slowly get the leprechaun to open up and begin the process of social integration.
With the leprechaun’s interest in, and experience with, gold, perhaps the next step would be for him to conduct a thorough job search to help refocus his attentions. Perhaps something in banking. Or the food services, if it becomes necessary to keep the leprechaun away from the continual lure of gold-based anxiety and obsessions.
Perhaps even a move into the movie industry might not be such an unthinkable notion. After all, the leprechaun can then advertise his own difficulties to other leprechauns suffering from similar afflictions. Perhaps he could even enter into a series of movies documenting his life, his sense of isolation, and his coming to terms with such difficulties. Movies (or books) such as Gold: Dealing With Obsession Based Anxiety and Social Pressure in Contemporary Leprechaun Culture; or Leprechaun: My Life On the Dark Side of the Rainbow; or Leprechaun: Jennifer Aniston and I; or But Were the Marshmallows Hoarding Me?: Coming to Grips With Functional Psychosis.