Statler [old guy in balcony]: I was scared as shit during the 70s. No one could see, but right behind the balcony, they were holding guns aimed at me and Waldorf. It was one big blur, the 70s. When we made “jokes” about the poor quality of the show, we weren’t joking. We were actually trying to send a message out to the audience. “Help, they’ve got guns pointed at us.” Remember that line: “it’s like some kind of torture to have to watch the show”; what do you think we meant? They only let us out once a week. The rest of the time they kept us chained in the basement. I mean, they weren’t totally inhumane, they let us watch episodes of Dallas down there. But Dallas? Come on.
Cookie Monster: Gonzo? Kermit told you that chicken anecdote, right? I used to hang around backstage all the time. You know, offset. I was there for all that behind the scenes crap. As for Gonzo, no one knew what the fuck he meant. But he was funny. A class act, I’ll give him that. So no one ever asked him about all those chickens. Fuck that shit; we didn’t want to know... Fuck.
Kermit: Half the time [Fozzie] was so fucked up he thought he was Gonzo. That’s probably why he thought he was funny. Because Gonzo was funny. He could make you think and laugh and smile, so you forgave all that crazy shit he pulled. Like driving his car into the swimming pool of that Holiday fucking Inn... Fuck that shit... Him and Keith Moon [the infamous drummer for the rock band The Who] were inseparable. They did everything together in the early 70s, and don’t ask me to clarify on that. There was Keith, Gonzo, and Animal. The three musketeers. You couldn’t separate them for anything. Not for shit. One time I came into this room and Keith and Gonzo were just sitting there staring up at the ceiling. And they were just trying to convince me that Gonzo was actually Bonzo, drummer for Led Zepplin. Whatever. And I was just like “fuck this shit”.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Whenever Kermie and Piggy were on the outs you could tell it. Kermit would always just be sitting around, taking a big ass bite out of some ham sandwich, smiling whenever Ms. Piggy walked by, as if to say “take that bitch”. But when they were together, it was all sparks. After all, Piggy was one hot dish back then; still is. You know what they say... “The other white meat”.
Rowlf [the dog]: Yeah. One night after some fucked up show, someone walked into [Kermit’s] dressing room and they caught him with a Fraggle halfway up his ass. It got leaked to the tabloids... and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
Gonzo: Smell this...
Rizzo [the rat]: No one cared what Kermit did on his own time. Half the show had something up their ass. Hey, at least it wasn’t me up there.
Scooter: Which Fraggle? How the fuck should I know? They all look the same to me; little psychedelic rodents.
Fozzie: Hey, whatever I did in Thailand, Amsterdam, and Iraq was 100% legal there. Let’s just say they never caught me with a Fraggle halfway up my ass.
Kermit: As I always tell people, the Fraggle wasn’t halfway up my ass, he was halfway out of my ass. It seems like such a minor distinction, but it’s really things like that that get the story all blown out of fucking proportion.
And such were the Muppets. A perfect analogy for what the world would come to realize. A group of puppets simply “blown out of fucking proportion”. But puppets that, for one brief moment, captured the world.
Kermit: It went beyond fucking legend. After a point, years after the show went off the air, I realized we weren’t just legend anymore. We were Gods.
Copyright (c) 2000-2002 Jacques