Historical Note: It is interesting to note that, of the supposedly hundreds of dramas written by the ancient playwrights of Hanna-Barbera, only a relative handful survive in complete form. Notably: Voyage of the Mystery Machine, Picnic of the Gods, and Halt! That Pigeon Must Be Stopped at All Costs!, not to be mistaken with the later Cease Pigeon! Cease! which was most certainly written by a different playwright. The following play is regarded by many to have set the course later drama would proceed to take. And for that at least, it must be respected.
Droopy Dog, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus of Philology
Snagglepuss and his kin dance off to certain doom.
Snagglepuss Rex
The Tragedy of Snagglepuss, in two very short acts
Or
The Comedy of Yogi Bear, in two very short acts
Act the First
[Enter Hanna-Barbera All-star Chorus]
Choragus: All weep who know of the great woes to befall Jellystone National Park. Our beloved leader, Yogi Bear, so foully murdered by a bandit. Huckleberry Hound's head paraded upon the shields of our enemy. But ho! Along came a hero who would gather our people together and solve the riddle of Christmas. All hail king Snagglepuss! He who was found in a basket by the river, feet bound together.
[Enter Snagglepuss with advisor.]
Advisor: The Laff-a-lympics are to be held in Athens this year? Posh!
Snagglepuss: No laughter shall befall my ears until this great injustice has been repaired.
Advisor: Injustice, my liege?
Snagglepuss: Until the foul murderer of your leader, Yogi the bear, be brought to face their crime.
[Enter the blind seer Teresias.]
Teresias: King Snagglepuss.
Snagglepuss: Teresias. Friend.
Teresias: I come to warn you my lord. Cease your seeking or it will bring about your doom.
Snagglepuss: My doom! Gulp. I can't hide in Jellystone eeven... but no. I swear upon all that I shall not rest until I find this murderer.
Teresias: I beg you, no.
Snagglepuss: Away with you blind wizard! I shall avenge Yogi's death, whoever be responsible.
Teresias: No! You know not what you speak!
Snagglepuss: Silence! He shall be hung by the testicles, eeven, by the statue of Aristides the Flintstone...
Teresias: I beg of you, stop.
Snagglepuss: And he shall be raped in the town square by the village idiots. [To advisor:] Inform the sodomites Top Cat and QuickDraw McGraw.
Teresias: It is you who will suffer these punishments.
Snagglepuss: Away with you!
Teresias: It is you who have killed the king!
Snagglepuss: You speak in riddles, eeven.
Teresias: You are the ones the prophecy spoke of! You were the one destined to kill your father and marry your mother. And, for fear your parents had your feet sewn together, and as an infant cast you away in a basket.
Snagglepuss: So that's why I've always walked all dainty-like.
Teresias: You are your own father's killer!
Snagglepuss: Gulp! Exit, stage right eeven...
[Snagglepuss exits stage left (his tragic mistake)]
Choragus: Oh Snagglepuss. It was you who were the cause of our woes. And it is you who will be violated by a cat and horse. Snagglepus, at once our savior and our fiend. He who has brought these misfortunes upon himself. Why have the Gods played him as such? What shall become of Jellystone?
Act the Second
[Enter Snagglepuss, walking all funny-like, as if having been violated by a cat and horse.]
Snagglepuss: Alas! I have engaged in unholy relations with my mother; a cat, and a horse. Yet I know not which brings more shame upon me. Come my son Boo-Boo, you ill begotten spawn of this sinful union.
Boo-Boo: Duh, okay Yogi.
Snagglepuss: Poor Boo-Boo. He knows not what he speaks.
Boo-Boo: Duh, okay Yogi.
Snagglepuss: Away with me now, and may the Gods have mercy upon me.
[Enter Yogi Bear.]
Yogi: Are you gonna need that pic-a-nic basket?
Snagglepuss: Yogi! You were alive after all!
Yogi: I've merely been hibernating. Ey Boo-boo!
Boo-Boo: Duh, okay Yogi.
Snagglepuss: So all this was for nothing eeven. I cannot stands this. This is the worst Easter ever!
Boo-Boo: Duh, the true meaning of Easter isn't about getting presents, or finding eggs, or being defiled by house pets. It's about coming together in the spirit of humanity, sharing with your neighbors, and crucifying Christians.
Snagglepuss: That's right Boo-boo. We've been so preoccupied in our own struggles we've forgotten that Easter is all about crucifying Christians.
Yogi: This year, I propose we erect the biggest pagan monument the world has ever seen, erect double the amount of crosses, and prepare the sacrificial orgy!
Choragus: All hail King Yogi!
Snagglepuss: This shall be the best Easter ever!
[Exit Yogi and Snagglepuss.]
Choragus: Our lords Yogi and Snagglepuss have so decreed it. The true spirit of Easter remembered once again. Our King Yogi merely hibernating as bears do. But awakened now in time for the sacrificial orgy. Jellystone once again at peace, but at what cost? For our dear king Snagglepuss, yet destined to murder his father and ravage his mother as a result of this unholy bestial union.
Porky Pig: Bdigu Bdigu Bdigu, That's all folks!
Don't forget to catch next week's Tragedy: Et tu Snagglepuss?
