This week, I'd like to discuss a few topics that are very close to me: John Wayne, Elvis, and shit.
Now, it has long been rumored that autopsies of these two great men have revealed something of immense fascination to the common man. Of course I'm referring to the fact that at the time of their deaths, somewhere between 40 to 67 pounds of fecal matter was apparently found lodged in their respective colons. Mmmm... Simply fascinating.
But something has been pressing on me for a while now. Now, admittedly, I wasn't paying much attention in high school biology class. Perhaps that's why I ended up taking it twice. But there was one particular fact that struck me as utterly profound at the time. And that fact was that our bodies are apparently comprised of about 75% water (actually 70-85% depending upon the price of the science book and whether the pages were laminated or not). Equally fascinating.
Which leaves me to wonder....
Now, assuming John Wayne weighed about 200 pounds at the time of his death, his body comprised of about 75% water... then some startling realizations are suddenly made!
It is entirely possible... nay, it is utterly irrefutable that John Wayne himself was comprised entirely of shit and water!!!!
1 part shit to 3 parts water yields John Wayne
Facts would seem to suggest that John Wayne... was not John Wayne at all!!!! Accordingly, it would be far more appropriate to simply define him as a 40 to 67 pound piece of shit floating in a toilet bowl of water. Or rather, floating in a man-shaped outer shell (or hull) casing of hardened shit.
Examining the facts at hand very closely, we find that Elvis himself was reputed to have died on his own toilet. Now, on it, or in it? I've presented my case... you be the judge.
This brings me to a conclusion I have long pondered. Upon a complete analysis of the given facts, it appears one thing is overwhelmingly clear... John Wayne and Elvis really were full of shit.
How to construct your very own John Wayne and/or Elvis
Send out for your free shit-kit today!
Necessary Ingredients: shit; water.
Necessary Equipment: toilet bowl.
1) Flush toilet.
2) Dump shit in water.
3) Mix shit and water thoroughly until it either begins singing, talking back to you, referring to you as a pilgrim, or attains a certain degree of undeniable sex appeal.