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    L&EPaulEmail

    15 Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

    • chocolate is non-judgmental
    • chocolate likes to cuddle
    • no one ever heard of "chocolate crimes"
    • if a maid left sex on your pillow, you would be sad
    • chocolate is the ultimate expression of physical intimacy
    • sex produces babies, and babies consume our world's precious zwieback reserve
    • your boyfriend never starts crying and singing the French national anthem while eating chocolate
    • chocolate isn't morally wrong
    • when chocolate strains you to its manly bosom, you can feel its throbbing masculinity underneath its rough peasant garb
    • unlike sex, chocolate never tries to pull off outdated rap slang, claiming that you are "fronting" and asking its peeps to give a shout out
    • in televised debates, chocolate always wins because sex looks all jowly on camera
    • physiologically speaking, the human orgasm uses the same muscles as being abandoned on a desert island
    • chocolate never assembles in groups of 99 for a ceremony that teaches children to hate their Christian God (oh wait, that's why chocolate is better than Smurfs)
    • Albert Schweitzer is made of fudge
    • every time you have sex, another baby kitten dies

    *

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  • The Locust (pt. 2)
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